Hello, I am a working mom. There are so many new issues this way of life presents!

One is the emotional difficulty: My 6-month old daughter is in daycare. I have had a hard time adjusting. I worry about the effect leaving her in daycare has/will have on her. I miss her dearly while I work. Does anyone else have a hard time? Does it get better?

Also pumping at work and breastfeeding. How is that working for you?

If you have to work, what kind of effect has that had on your relationship/marriage?

Thank you for your thoughts!

I had a hard time too;such a hard time that when my baby was 6 months I started a home-based business so I could stay home with him. I am living my dream.

Hi, Amber, welcome to Work It, Mom! I think you'll find a lot of good information, advice, and support here... we're all in the same (or similar) boat!

I'm having a hard time with daycare right now, too -- my 15-month old, who has been in care for 7 months now, suddenly doesn't want me to leave him there. He cries, he clings, my heart breaks... I know he's in good hands, but this is killing me right now. Does your day care let you check in? Pick up or drop off early or late some days? How long has your daughter been in care? I do think that it is, in some ways, just as hard -- or harder -- on the parents while the kids adjust.

Pumping at work and breast feeding... I could go on and on and on, but instead I'll give you a few links to some great advice and discussions we've had here at Work It, Mom.

A few discussion threads about pumping:
http://www.workitmom.com/1275_1409_0.html
http://www.workitmom.com/question-1591

A great, great article by relaxnsmile, about how she managed it (and questions and answers about it):http://www.workitmom.com/article-1595

Another great article, one member's personal experience: http://www.workitmom.com/article-637

A primer on different kinds of pumps: http://www.workitmom.com/article-1966

Another article with tips: http://www.workitmom.com/article-370

The relationship question you ask is a really good one... I'll bet a lot of people are wondering the same thing. I'll post is as a separate thread, so it doesn't get lost in this one!

Hi, Amber!

First of all, welcome to WIM.
I know how you feel -- it's a really tough transition. My daughter started later than yours, but boy, did I stress. I really believe that it's great for kids to be in a good daycare -- socialization, being with other kids -- and I am sure she is fine there, it's just we moms tend to be so tough on ourselves.

Hang in there!

Amber,

It does get easier, it becomes more manageable.

I have two boys and they both have been in daycare since they were 3 months old. I cried and cried the first week even though I knew it was the right thing to do for our family. And I like working! Anyway, trust me, the kids turn out alright. My two boys are doing fine. Because they went thru all the germs at daycare, when my older son went to kindergarten, he was never out sick. Many teachers and school principals have told me that they love it when the kids went to daycare first because the kids know about sharing, getting in line, etc. and they are usually better prepared for learning.

Bottom line, is this - the kids will be fine. It is really about you - forget the guilt - what do you want? If you truly want to stay home, then you may want to take appropriate steps to make that happen at some point in the future- work less hours, less days, work at home, etc. If you enjoy working, then let yourself know that the kids turn out fine and it is the best thing for your family.

Lylah,

My son went thru a period when all of a sudden, he did not want to go to daycare. All the teachers told me that nothing was unusual - no teacher left, no child in his room moved, etc. After days of battling every morning and suffering a heartache everyday, we called our doctor. He said it is usual for kids to go thru a stage like this. As long as the atmosphere at daycare is fine, then keep bringing him to daycare and it will pass. Sure enough, after about 4-6 weeks(LONG WEEKS THEY WERE!), it stopped and he was fine with going to daycare again.

Good luck to both of you!

SK

Thanks for the heads up, SK! The other day I hung around outside and peeked in the windows (told the teachers first, of course) and saw that he was just fine after a few minutes. Which helped me get my mind around it, but doesn't really help with the guilt or the heartache. He's also teething right now -- 6 new teeth at once. That'll ruin anyone's day right there...

But it's good to know that it'll pass... I'll be prepared for a few (long) weeks!

Leaving my youngest in daycare KILLED me. I struggled with having another woman in her life, doing the things I should be doing... things I wanted to be doing. I was forced by life's circumstances to work outside the home from the time my baby was 6 months old. She was my only child to ever go to daycare. I understand how you feel... it can be heart wrenching. It does get easier...2.5 years later I have finally been able to leave the workforce and start my own biz. I am thrilled to be pulling little critter out of daycare this week! Today she is sitting snuggled next to me on the couch as I post this. Part of my non-J.O.B. is helping others learn to work from home. http://www.deliveringonthepromise.com/JErvin This has been an AMAZING opportunity for our family!

Good luck, Amber!!

Lylah: My toddler is also 15mo. She does not go to daycare. BUT: boy does she know how to whine and cry for mommy. My point is, I've realized they go through stages of being clingy and needy, and I think they'd be that way whether they're in daycare or at home with mommy all day. I would have to say that when my girl has gone through these clingy stages, she is pure hell to be around all day - so your little one might not be any happier if you were home! Hope that makes sense... (I'm tired...)

I firmly believe that there are trade-offs, whether you work outside or inside the home. I, too, have to work outside the home (and therefore, have two daughters under 4 in daycare)--and really resented it for a while. Until I realized that:

a) My girls LOVE going to daycare
b) They still prefer me over their daycare provider, hands down, all the time
c) The daycare provider's perfume DOES wash off, and my children don't have to smell like her once we get home, and
d) I am very fortunate to have a well-paying and flexible job and I OWE it to my children to not only accept our situation but thrive and do my best for them--and that will lead to doing my best for me, too.

All that being said, I cried and cried when they were babies, and they cried and cried when they were toddlers, and my nearly-4 year old loves to throw out guilt-bombs ("I really miss you when you are gone to work. SOME mommies get to stay home with the daughters"), but I think they're going to grow up just fine. And I think I will, too.

Diane, that totally makes sense! Thanks for giving me a good reality check!

I'm late in the game on this discussion (but I work! I can't get here that often!!!)

Wanted to offer some advice to Amber and anyone else who struggles with this...make friends with the people at your daycare. Become involved - get there 10 minutes early, or stay and chat when you pick up. (I know, I know - who has the time??)

My anxiety level really lowered once I took the view that my son's daycare is a community, too - an environment - and one that I should be involved in. We started a parent Involvement Committee that puts on events, family nights at Chuck.E.Cheese, mom's night out, etc. We do things for the teachers, reach out to the new parents, and more. It really doesn't add that much more to my day, and it makes me feel really connected to my son - I can share his day more, in a way.

The bonus is the friends I've made. My immediate circle of daily-contact friends is now almost entirely comprised of moms I met hanging out at my son's daycare!

It's such a tough world for a working mom. Ya just gotta tweak your environment to suit your needs and ease your guilt. Good luck!!

Also late to this discussion, but wanted to reinforce Shannon and SK's comments- my two boys were in day care as infants ( both started part time at 3 months, then full time at 6 months), and I pumped at work too. With my first, I cried a little bit, but what felt worse was this big hole in my body left by my child while I was at work. It really felt like there was physical damage done to me. I was able to go and nurse my son over my lunch hour, which helped me so much. I got to be with him, he and I got to nurse, and i got to sit with the two amazing women that took care of him. That made my life at work even more stressful (I could drive to day care, nurse, drive back to work in just under an hour, so I ate a sandwich in the care- how relaxing), but also helped me stay connected to my son. I feel like I was very lucky to have a job that I really loved, and supportive people at work that were glad to see me back, and that helped too. And once I made some connections with some of the other parents at the day care, I really was able to feel good about our situation. Now that this baby is a five year old, I definitely see how he has benefited from day care. He has no problem with the basic social structures of taking turns, waiting in line, eating lunch with a group, sitting in his spot on the conversation mat, etc, etc.

The big thing with all of that is that you have to trust yourself and the situation that it's going to work out with benefits. So if you don't feel that way, then as others have talked about in their situations, then maybe having your child in day care isn't the right choice for you and your family.

I'm glad you're reaching out and talking about how you're feeling. This is why it truly does take a village!

Shannon hit the nail on the head here. Make friends with the daycare teachers and you will not regret it! I never drop and run and I used to drop in once or twice a week on my son and spend my entire lunch hour with him. I know they treat me differently than the moms who come in talking on their cell phones, never stopping to talk. Mostly, it makes me feel less like a tyrant when I question something because we already have a good repore and they don't get defensive right off the bat.

We actually started out going down the nanny road when I first went back to work. It was difficult to find someone we were comfortable with and ultimately she did not fulfill our expectations, so we went with The Goddard School for daycare. I am so happy we ended up where we are. There is no TV in the room and they have a "lesson plan" every day with activities. The teachers are wonderful and he really enjoys it there. We haven't gone through the major separation anxiety stage yet (had a mini-stage, but it did not apply to his daycare--he wouldn't go to my MIL, but had no issues with me walking out the door at daycare, LOL)

Here's something to think about--having now a 6th grader who is almost too old for day care...

I knew when my kids were born, I had to work. They both went to day care at6 weeks. I did not have a choice but found day care at my spouse's work location so that was great. My kids got all the silly illnesses out of the way before they started school, they got to meet a tremendously diverse group of kids and families (from all different economic situations) and they know how to get along with people! They were well prepared to enter public school---knew how to behave, vs kids who did not have an opportunity to go to pre-school.

I don't regret that they had this opportunity. They learned how to solve problems, make their own friends, learn how to get along and to follow rules. They still remember their day care teachers fondly. I know we were lucky to get what we did, but I know that they were better prepared for school.

I'm more concerned about a 6th grader who doesn't want to go anymore after school and wants to come home by herself! That is another issue I am trying to prepare for...

I feel for the pain that you are going through. Though my son is now 7, I still remember the day he started daycare/pre-school. He was 3 months and 1 week old. I asked my husband to stay home with him for the first week I went back to work. I wanted him to bond with David and it made is a smidge better for me going to work.

I am a workaholic. I did not expect to be hit so hard going back to work. I agree with other comments about a huge hole....I was not so worried about my baby as I was about how I was doing with out him! He was totally fine.

I was raised with a stay-at-home-mom, but she sent us to "Tree Top Day-Care" once a week just so we could learn social skills, problem skills, rules, etc.

Here is how I made sure he would stay fine (and I continue this now that he is in grade school)
I told the staff in his room that I really cared about his day and the more they could write or share with me the better! I did not check up on them, but shared him with them.

I had him at a place I knew he would get physical attention and held and loved.

I'd ask about what he did that was new. Turns out, they helped me be a better mom because if it had not been for the care providers that told me he was ready for X, I probably would have held him back!

I told them new things he did at home. New foods he was eating, new activities, etc.

I thanked them for the care they showed my son.

When I would pick him up in the evening, I would get on the floor and play with everyone for a few minutes (I would do that in the morning too when I was not scrambling out of bed.) I got to know his friends. They got to know me. [Hugs from a room of toddlers is THE BEST!]

I was GRATEFUL for the love and attention he received from others (and still am.) I want him to know a large support network in life and how to reach out to that network when needed. No matter how much love they gave him, he knew who mom was.

I made sure to spend focused time with just him when I was not at work and he was not at "school." We had (and have) our time together regularly.

When he got older, I had him tell me about the papers he brought home or about an activity they did that day, or about the food that his favorite Ms. Sue made.

I spent a significant amount of time researching the facility he would go to. I did not want a babysitter. I wanted a place that would allow him to grow and be challenged at an age appropriate level. I looked for diversity. We found a place where the teachers were literally from all over the world. He learned about differences very early. I believe that he is much more tolerant of people that are different from him b/c of it and that is important to us. We also looked for a place that focused on not only educational things (ABCs, 123s) but also a place that taught proper social skills too (teamwork, kindness, consideration, respect, etc.)

My son benefited greatly from going to pre-school. He learned how to get along with others. He learned how to make decisions independently. He learned about a slew of things that had he been at home would not have happened. He also learned that Mom loved him, but she also was independent and provided for the family.

Now that he is going into 2nd grade, I can only look back at those days with great fondness. He goes to before and after care on varying days. I have a fortunate situation that I now own my own business, so sometimes I do the stay-at-home-mom thing and we spend time and other times he goes to a care giver. He loves both.

Lylah, I'm glad that you have found your little one calms down when you leave. I have been working with children since I was 10 and every one I ever watched pulled that "trick" on their parents. It is horribly hard to hear your little one scream and cry and then wonder what you have done. David cried for a full year of drop offs. We knew he was OK, because after the door would close on the classroom, the crying would stop like he flipped a light switch! At that age they are just learning how much control they can gather.

Good luck to all of you!

I have recently placed my two in daycare also. It has been a tough transition for me, not really them. I have recently looked into different work from home ideas so that I could go back to staying home with my children. Recently I found a wonderful company that is very easy and has no start up fees. It is VERY easy to start making money soon and is unlike any other Work from Home scams. I am hoping to be able to make as much money or ever more than I do working outside of home very soon. Visit my website for more info. http://www.freedomunitedteam.com/TS2254

It gets way easier. The earlier you leave them the better they adjust. I left my son when he was 2 months and he loves it. It has made our relationship better because we are excited to see each other at the end of the day. He loves all the toys and kids. He gets really excited to go every day. He has learned a lot from watching the older kids. I'm thinking that you picked a great place so you and your baby should adjust fine.