Group Discussions

College Kid Living At Home

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  Our only daughter (17 years old) just graduated form HS. She wants to attend UCLA but wants to take the community college route first per counselor's advise. So she will be living with us for the next 2 years while she attends a local college. At first her Dad and I were happy. We are not quite ready to let her go. But now I'm trying to figure out how to make this work when she turns 18 later this year. She's a child living at home but at the same time a virtual adult who wants more freedom. We've never been on this road before and I need advice from other Moms. What should I expect and how do you deal with rules and chores? Do they still apply? And how far do I implement and enforce them? I want us to continue to have a good relationship so I don't want to blow this. Help!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Maria Victoria on 11th July 2008
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  Maria Victoria, As long as they live in your and your husbands house they should always have rules- even though they are "grown" . They should still have chores too as they are a member of the family. Yes you have to decide how much "freedom" to give them . I've always let them know that if they don't like the rules-they don't have to stay here. I have always
  had they "help" if they are working with the household expenses- even $50.00 a week if it's all they can afford. It's best to teach them while they are at home that part of being grown is having responsibilities. bills.etc. They are going to be much better adults learning it now. Yes,
  you want to keep your good relationship-but you must always remain the parent. That means
  sometimes we do things that are the best for our children (even grown) not necessarily what they want or would like. But they grow and learn. Hope this was somewhat helpful.Eileen

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by eileen b on 11th July 2008
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  Hey Maria,
  I've got quite a while to go until my kids are ready for college, but I can tell you my thoughts as far as having your college-aged daughter living at home with you. I base my response on my own experience of 'sort of' living at home with my mom. My mother had a 3-apartment brownstone and I was in one of the apartments. I paid my mother rent, I went to school (undergrad), got a job and worked and then went to graduate school. All the while, I paid my mother rent, bought my own food, helped with the utilities and kept things neat and orderly.
  
  I don't believe my mother ever had to tell me to do any of that, it was a given. My rent was more like me giving something to my mother to help out with the mortgage and other expenses.
  
  As an adult, I did keep my own hours and I did my own thing. My mother never put any restraints on me as far as my coming or going but I always told her what I was doing.
  
  I think your daughter has to respect whatever rules you establish in your home. She should appreciate your generosity and do her best to be her best . . . get good grades and contribute to the household. In turn, you should treat her as an adult and let her do her thing (as long as it doesn't conflict with how things operate in your home).
  
  Best, p

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by BellyTees on 12th July 2008
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  Hi Maria,
  I am the same as Belly Tees, my son is no were near college but I lived at home with my parents while I went to a CC. The only difference was that I actually went away for a year and a half to a state university and couldn't afford tuition so I moved back home.
  
  The rule with my parents was simple I had to help out around the house, and I could stay out until as late as I want I just had to let them know where I was going and what time i planed on being home, and I had to wake them up when I got in so they knew I was ok. Also if something came up and it was going to be out later then I expected I had to call and let them know why.
  
  I didn't pay rent, but I also paid for my own school, so I guess that was a fair trade, I would have rather paid rent haha Tuition in NY is expensive even at the CC level
  
  I thought it was very fair. Considering a few of my friends who lived with their parents still had a curfew of 11.
  
  I had a great relationships with my parents the whole time I lived at home which was for about 2 years.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Doms_Mom on 12th July 2008
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  Maria,
  
  Sage advice from the others regarding the importance of laying down rules.
  
  I recommend sitting down with your daughter with some guidelines written down. That way there's no misunderstanding as to the fact that you: 1) appreciate that she's an adult, 2) are pleased that she'll be living with you while she's embarking on her college career, 3) want to ensure you and she have good communication through this transition and 4) expect that she respect your rules and requests for help around the house.
  
  Once you've put your needs/rules on the table, ask her for her input. Open communication on this subject will enable you two to grow into this new phase of life, give her the opportunity to provide feedback and, ultimately, help with her buy-in.
  
  For the past 15 years I've worked in higher education. There have been many studies done that illustrate parallels between a college student's success (matriculation and graduation) and the level of responsibility they take on outside the classroom. Students that are given rules to follow, take on jobs and those that take on responsibility with clubs do better than their peers that have no other responsibilities outside school. -- Seems simple, but the data associated with how much more successful these students are is astounding.
  
  In addition, I applaud your daughter for attending Community College as a prep to 4 year. There are HUGE financial benefits associated with attending a Community College, getting the general requirements completed, then transferring. You didn't mention where she was attending, but I know the California Community College system does a good job with transfer credits to their 4 year institutions.
  
  Good luck!!!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by HeatherSocks on 13th July 2008
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  Hi Maria,
  
  I now have two college age kids - one nearly 20 and one nearly 18. The younger one moved out last month and is sharing a townhouse with a few friends (he pays his rent and living expenses, we pay his college tuition and insurance for car and health).
  
  The older one continues to live at home. As part of the household, he has assigned chores that must be completed (sometimes he does them, sometimes he pays our youngest son, who is 15, to do them). We do have a curfew on the nights that my husband has to get up for work the next morning - he has to be in by midnight. We have a couple of dogs who go nuts when someone comes home and prefer to have everyone in at a reasonable hour. Exceptions are made for special events.
  
  We don't charge our live in college student rent, but he does pay for his own car (he owns his car), including gasoline, insurance, registration, etc. He does do the grocery shopping for one week a month and pays for that (about $125).
  
  If he was not a full time student, he would be paying room and board.
  
  I would lay out the ground rules now, discuss them with your husband and then present them to your daughter. We have done this with great success.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Karen on 13th July 2008
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  Thank you everyone! All your responses are very helpful. I actually got my husband to stop what he was doing this weekend to read your suggestions. We agree with most of what was said and we learned a lot from you Moms. We will be having the "talk" with our daughter, but we will wait till she gets back from her trip to England and Northern Ireland this August. We will let her enjoy her last summer of "childhood" and we will gently start her entrance into more adult responsibilities. Thanks again guys for taking the time to respond.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Maria Victoria on 15th July 2008