I think my husband's family thinks that I just sit around eating bon-bons all day. I'm a first time mom with a three month old and I'm working part time from home. Honestly my plate is as full as it could possibly be, but my in-laws are constantly making comments and asking questions like "what do you DO during the day?" After the comments I usually can't get a word in before the subject is changed. It's quite frustrating, and frankly it hurts my feelings...They aren't a "work it out" type of family, but I have a hard time letting it all roll off my back.

Am I overreacting? What's your family situation like?

wow. Reminds me of the kids dad's extended family when I had my son. But instead of what do you do all day I got why don't you finish school. He's a month old now, why don't you go back. I was 17 at the time of his birth and 18 by the time they started on me. I felt like such an outcast from that family. It drove me to the point of not even acknowledging them. My family is the polar opposite.. my grandmother wanted to know why I'd want to go back to school if I was raising the boy on my own. I've got nothing for you but let it go. No you are not overreacting and I think it's time for your husband to pipe up and start supporting your decision to stay at home with your child. It's his family... he knows how they can be, let him take the hurt away from you. Good Luck I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job as a mom

heh.

I'd tell them that I sit on my ass eating bon bons and watching soaps all day.

Seriously, if you feel the need to address it with them you first need to let go of the idea that you need to DEFEND what you do all day.

What you do is important work and you need to be PROUD of what you do if you want to address it with them in away that will make them go "WOW. She's really juggling a lot of things exceptionally well!"

Make a list of the things you do from caring for the baby, to managing the house, to the work you do. Once YOU fully understand what you do, and it's importance, you will be much more confident about making them respect what you do all day.

If you want to take it a step further jot down what you do and WHY it is important. What would be the impact to your family if you didn't do those things?

"I feed the baby three times a day because if I don't the kid either ends up malnourished or in child protection services. I'm sure, Mr. Inlaw that you can see the IMPORTANCE of feeding the baby three times a day."

Thanks ladies! That definitely helps.

SweetyPi, glad to know others have been there!

KathyHowe, great advice. I will definitely be compiling my list for the next time it comes up.

I don't hear any negative comments- I don't hear any comments at all! Sometimes, my own mother tells me about some fabulous job somewhere that I would never be able to work because I have 4 children and other goals...but they mostly just don't address the issue...

mine was the opposite... my MIL made comments about why dont i stay home and take care of my son and the house and wait on my husband. harrumph. luckily my hubby stood up for me and let her know that he is proud of me and my career and that she needs to watch it! This is why i love him of course it is probably because i give him 'the look' that says 'if you dont say something *I* will and that will not be good for you' LOL

Maybe talk to your hubby ane let him know that you are proud of staying at home and feel this is the best decision for your family and how you really want his family to know this. sometimes wording things in the 'this is my choice and i love my life!' brings people around.

I guess people will always have their opinions and we have to just allow them to think what they want...Does it ever get easier though?

It gets easier, yes.. but it takes a while.. it took me having a "handicapped" child in order for people ot lay off... but then all of a sudden it was, you poor dear... That's when I started using the f-word alot. I don't think you have to just allow them... I think it's a balance, like life is. I think if they have the audacity to make you feel less of a person, you have the right to tell them to go take a hike. I'm sure you can be more diplomatic about it then I was tho.

SweetyPi - I think this line is the best thing I have read all week:

"I think if they have the audacity to make you feel less of a person, you have the right to tell them to go take a hike. "

shanks... and I was being all pc and stuff... doesn't happen much. It's true tho, isn't it? NO ONE has the right or privilege to make another human feel less like a human. And it being family makes it worse.

Like Kate, I've had a lot of the opposite... when I was pregnant with my second baby (who is also our fifth child), one of my coworkers took me aside and told me that if I chose not to return from maternity leave she'd totally understand. My neighbor asked, point-blank, "You're not going to go back to work, right?" A member of my extended family tells her kids that she loved them too much to go to work and put them in daycare -- and then her kids come over and ask my kids why I don't love them.

Honestly, though? If you're a mom, you're working. Period. Doesn't matter where.

My extended family...hmm, on my husband's side they have been great the whole time, very supportive and helpful. On my side, however, my mother continues to be perplexed by my job (academic editor). Although I run two offices and direct three other full time editors, she still seems to be waiting for me to get a "real job", that is, something that makes her look good. When I was a kid growing up and I said I wanted to be a writer, she would say "A FAMOUS writer"; if I said I was thinking about being a lawyer, "A FAMOUS lawyer". When I earned a BA and MA in history, she was all "A FAMOUS historian," and I told her I would be lucky to shop up in someone else's footnotes (which I have-- go me!!). Mom is a knee-jerk feminist and had the only all-woman architecture office in the Pacific Northwest, head of the Architect's Association, in Rotary, etc. I am sure that she thought that with herself as an example I would turn out to be Super Child, go out and stick it to the Man.

Dad, however, when I asked what I should be when I grew up, always said, "be happy," and that is still my number one priority. ACtually he wanted me to buy a VW bus, get a big German Shepherd, and drive throughout the US, writing and doing photography. Instead, at 24, I ran away to Istanbul.

Dad died when my daughter was three. My mother continues in her own way to never let me forget that she is the center of the universe. In terms of helping with my daughter physically, she has never offered to look after her when I go home to visit, rarely even has a one-on-one conversation with my daughter-- I really think that somewhere along the line in her feminist rhetoric the part about how being a caregiver means exploitation became fossilized.

I consider myself a feminist, but I have carved my own path. I live how I want to live, not how someone else's preconceived notions dictate. My MIL is a feminist too, she had a career as a chemical engineer, but she is as loving as can be (as is FIL).

KatieK - love what you wrote - and wow, what a great combo in your genes! My parents are kind of funny - they always say they just want me to be happy, but I know they love all my accomplishments and not sure how they'd feel if I were just happy and not accomplishing stuff and doing well. (When I was in 9th grade I brought home a rare B - yes, I was a nerd like that, go ahead, make fun. My mom said "Oh, ok. But how come you didn't get an A?" Right. Just be happy

LOL at Nataly's comment about her B grade growing up. I was a terrible student and called school The Seven Social Hours. My mom, funny girl that she is, had "WHEW! You made it!" written on my high school graduation cake.

As far as parents go, mine are all about being happy too. But how you get there is the complicated part. Their world view is so different than any other people that I've ever met. They teach that our feelings are communications of what we need to do in our lives. So when we feel something, it's necessary to find out what that feeling is communicating, and act accordingly. That's the only way to achieve happiness....It's a hard standard to live up to, and I have to admit that sometimes I'm completely on board and other times I think it's too hard.

KatieK: There's a quote that I have always loved...

"One day, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you will be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the pope. ' Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." -- Pablo Picasso

Good for you for carving your own path!