The other day at a doc's appt my OB - she is new, we just moved - was taken aback by my response to her question about having more kids. I told her that I am not sure we will have more, although I never say never. She was visibly surprised, and fumbled for a response--as we chatted about this she then told me that of course, having another child would enrich the life of my daughter. Pause. Long, really long pause after this.

This is obviously a complex subject, but I am just really frazzled by the mini-lecture I got from her....

We've talked about this before around here, and I've even posted an article on it right here: Once a parent, twice a parent

Your OB/GYN may have been surprised by your response because you're relatively young to be making that decision. Been there too - my son was born when I was 20, and I was already pretty sure that was it for me, although we "left the door open" for a long time, so to speak. In any case, it isyour decision (with your husband) to make, and no one else's. My own feeling is that if you're ambivalent about having more children, it's probably better not to do it unless or until those feelings change, but no one else can tell you the "right" thing to do on this. As you say, it's a complex subject.

You were an only child yourself - do you feel mostly positive about that? Do you have friends with just one child that have decided to stay that way, and could you talk about this with them? But no matter how much input you get, no one else can - or should be - deciding this for you.

You should find a new ob. Her job is to support how you choose to manage your fertility, not counsel you on your choices.

Whose business is it? Yours and your partner's. No one else's. Not even your daughter's. Sure, maybe she'd like to have a sibling. She'd also like to have ice cream for dinner and skydive off the roof. There are choices children don't get to make. Choices in which, quite frankly, their opinion means nothing.

Nataly, at first I was a little shocked then I realized that you live in Newton now. Yup, no more NY. I could say more but I won't do that here! I've got friends there (hubby works there, too, and grew up in Belmont where the reaction would be the same I'm afraid). You strike me as a pretty confident person so you can either feel comfortable with your decision and stick with her, since it's probably only once a year, or you can interview new docs.

We were going to have 4 (well, I was only going to give birth to 4 then we were going to adopt). My doc was very supportive of that. After bringing home baby #2, at my 6 week, as he was telling me I should wait at least 6 months before going for it again I told him we were done. He laughed so hard, said he hadn't expected it but completely understands. His laughter shocked me at first since he had been so supportive of the big family but then I realized it is funny and he was supportive no matter what. I've been lucky w/ ob's...the one I used to go to in Watertown was fabulous but I think she's in Waltham now. She always made me feel comfortable, too. My primary doc, though, UGH, don't get me started on that. And out here it's too hard to get an appointment with a primary so I don't dare change.

Nataly ~ I have not had that experience with a doctor, but my family and friends (and even people I just met!) always ask me WHEN (not if) we are going to have another one. I am 32 and my hubby turns 33 this friday and we are pretty comfortable with the thought that Logan is going to be an only child. We did promise ourselves that we would revisit the issue again once I finished I graduate with my BA.

Honestly, I can't see myself wanting another child, for so many reasons. Everyone says that I will change my mind and I very well might, then again...I may not.

It gets to the point that I grow so tired of hearing all the reasons to have another without them taking in account all the advantages of just one as well.

I definately would be looking for another doctor Nataly, I have changed doctors for less major reasons than that, because I feel it is so important to have a doctor that fosters my decisions while still presenting me with all the information that I need.

Best of Luck!

A doctor to reccomending having another child just to "enrich" another child's life?! What about quality of that child's life? Or quality of the parent's life? Shouldn't things like: time spent with already present child(ren), goals of you & your spouse, finances be taken into consideration?

Many of us want and love our children but we are far from wanting the Duggars family way of life! One, two or three children that is for you and your spouse to decide.

But maybe she was just suffering a case of "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. Quite possibly she may be a very capable & a superb OB. You mentioned that you moved, do you know anyone in the area who has used her or knows of her reputation? It is definely worth looking into.

Best wishes.

Merrilyn - well put!

I have to agree with Merrilyn on checking out her reputation. I wish I had done that with the midwife I chose to deliver my daughter. I found a lot out the hard way...I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I hope that your experiences become much more positive...it sucks to be lectured by a doctor, especially when it's over a matter of opinion.

Nataly,
Merrylin hits the nail on the head. I had the opposite talk with my doctor.......I lost twins in between Nikkie and Zach I was a high risk but yet the Dr didn't want to tie my tubes she said I was to young. And I was lectured on how my quality of life would change and that she was sure I was in a place now that I didn't need more children......so dang after the check up and the move to another state for a job transfer and a blizzard we had Zach 13 yr age difference, 8 months on bed rest and 10 yrs later I have a wonderful son that is the love of my life......You'll know if you want more kids and if you do great if you don't great.......my Nikkie was fine growning up as an only child until Zach came along. Funny though she would beg me for a brother or sister and try to guilt me..."mom you know when you die and dad dies i'll be lonely no one to have holidays with"..........and that was like at 7,lololl.

I think I'm going to be a slightly dissenting voice here. In fact, I do think it's part of a doctor's role to provide counselling. I certainly wouldn't get rid of an otherwise sound healthcare practitioner because we have a difference of opinion.

However, having said that ... counselling on a personal matter like this should take the form of asking questions, determining your level of awareness, and helping you explore your options, not voicing an opinion. In fact, at the end of the conversation, you shouldn't know what her opinion on the matter is at all. Because that's not - or shouldn't be - what you're discussing.

But should a doctor help you weigh your choices as you make decisions? Unless you view your doctor strictly as a mechanic for your body, I think, yes, they do have a right to go beyond strictly the physical.