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I'm new to this site, and boy do i need advice about my husband helping!

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  For the big introduction first! lol! My name is courtany, i work full time for a law firm as a secretary, i'm 20 years old, my husbands name is kiley(kyle), works as a web developer, and is 23. We have a 9 month old son. My mother in law lives with me, and has since I was 7 months pregnant(thats another story), my mother in law is a BIG help, but my husband hardly helps at all. For example: he has given our son a bath twice in his whole life, changed maybe 5-10 diapers, and leaves his clothes on the floor for me to pick up, and also leaves a mess when he eats and expects me to clean it up. We both work full time. Also, my mother in law (Big Help) is moving out before christmas, so I will need my husband to help me out more when she leaves, seeing as he hardly helps me at all, what would your advice be for him to help me out more? i've tried saying "honey, i'm really tired when i get home from work, can you atleast take the trash out without me having to ask you, and can you please help me out more around the house?"<< in a nice way...then i tried the "bitch way" by yelling at him, practically sounding like i'm needing to go into a mental institution, but it sure felt good, of course that way didnt go as expected either. So please any suggestions, hit them my way! PLEASE!!!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Courtany on Last Monday
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  Hi, Courtany!
  Welcome to Work It, Mom! - glad you found us
  I am married to one of those rare husbands who do help BUT after 10 years together I still end up nagging quite a bit about things he can do better. I don't like to nag, but between work, our daughter, house stuff - it's stressful. I've found that a few things work better:
  
  -Asking him to do very specific things rather than being general. So instead of Honey, it's really messy around the house, can you clean up? say something Could you please throw out the old magazines, straighten up the living room, and take out the trash?
  
  -Showing appreciation. It's kind of like with kids and I laugh when I do it, but when he cleans up something without my asking I am all smiles
  
  -Creating a quick list of things for him to do weekly so he doesn't have to think about it. For example, my version of a messy house is different from his, so we just have a quick list of things he does weekly, whether or not he thinks the house needs it.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Nataly on Last Monday
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  Welcome to WIM, Courtany! I'm betting someone around here has some great advice for you and, if not, maybe you can start experimenting and chronicalling your experience here!??! I can't help too much on this front from my own experience (hubby makes the bed while I'm still in it) but I do know that boycotting the chores doesn't work. If you don't scrub the tub then he probably won't notice and it will just be harder next time.
  
  Is there any way you can talk to MIL about this? She probably knows him pretty well and maybe even helped him to develop this dependence on others doing the work. She may be able to point him in the right direction. A heart-to-heart can't hurt either. The right timing and pointing out what you do around the house and what it means for him and your son could be all it takes. Point out that if something happened to you that meant you couldn't even lift your son for a week, let alone bathe him, laundry, etc, what would he do? And make it a full discussion, without pointing fingers, and allow him to think about it for a couple of days.
  
  Good luck! It's easy for me to say these things since i don't know you guys or how he'd react. I'm interested in knowing what other ladies have for advice.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mandy Nelson - Dandysound on Last Monday
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  Just read Nataly's post and I agree completely. While my hubby is very helpful, he works best when rewarded with the same praise I'd give a two year old. He's even pointed out that if I talked to him the same way when I really needed him to do something then he wouldn't get offended and would happily do things. Might be worth a shot!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mandy Nelson - Dandysound on Last Monday
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  My husband is reeeasonably helpful. I cut him a lot of slack because he's a full time student. And I'm lucky that we're compatible in our messiness. And in our attitude about who's responsible for cleaning the mess.
  
  Sadly, you've got a "floor baby" and that whole dirt builds immunity thing only goes so far.
  
  First, let's give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Is there any chance he's doing more than you're giving him credit for? I get frustrated with my hubby, but I remind myself that he lives to rake and clean out the gutters (no lie!) and plans every trip we've ever taken. Maybe make a list of everything you both do around the house each week. Include yard work, trip planning, errand running, bills, cooking, etc. Also list what your MIL does on a regular basis. Show your husband the lists and see if he thinks they're accurate. Ask what he thinks you and he can do once your MIL isn't around to help.
  
  You can also work together to figure out the minimum level of clean you require in your house. Everyone has different standards of clean. Do you need to vacuum weekly or will once a month do? RealSimple.com has some great tutorials on scheduling and streamlining cleaning. I used their info to create a cleaning schedule with daily tasks, weekly tasks assigned to a specific day, monthly tasks, quarterly tasks, and semi-annual tasks. Now, before you go getting the wrong idea, I'll tell you I rarely use it. I'm a planner, not a doer. But, I can get the house company clean in a week without too much effort, I've defined my minimum levels of clean, and I never have "clean the whole house" on my to do list. If any task gets missed, it doesn't move to tomorrow, it moves to The Next Week. This sort of plan probably works best for the at home mom that I am, but plan something that works for you. Maybe designate Saturday as cleaning day and then go out for dinner afterwards.
  
  I highly recommend this article: "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage"
  By AMY SUTHERLAND in the New York Times archives.
  http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.h tml?_r=1&oref=slogin
  One, it's funny, but it's also a different approach to getting your husband to cooperate. (btw, the book is good, but very different from the article)
  
  The key is to put things on his list that he likes to do. (The real key is to get HIM to put the things on his list.) Is he always running to the store? Give him the shopping list. Loves to cook, let him take that on. Play to his strengths. And your weaknesses. My husband is the go to guy for phone calls because I hate that.
  
  I swear, I'm almost done. If you're the Chief Financial Officer of the family, find enough room in the budget to hire a housekeeper. With a kid and two working parents, it should be a necessity. Even if it's only for once a month, or cleaning the Big 3 (kitchen, baths and bedrooms). It will help. And if he's reluctant to spend the money, it may help him step up to the plate.
  
  Best of luck!!!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Jenns on Last Monday
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  Wow Jenns! I am really going to have to check out the website about the cleaning schedules. That sounds awesome.
  
  My husband is pretty helpful too, but like Mandy said he doesn't notice the same things around the house that I do. For him the kitchen is the biggest priority in the house, but it would never occur to him to wipe off the counters or the stove.
  
  As for changing diapers, before our daughter was born my husband read something Jack Black said about being a father. He said that his wife was in charge of the feedings so he was going to be on poop duty. Well for some reason that got my husband fired up and he does diaper duty (when he's home that is). It's really nice! It hasn't all been roses though. There have been times when I have had to tell him that he needs to take a more responsibility. For instance he agreed to do diaper changes, but I had to tell him every time that babyjama needed a change. It seemed like more work to ask him to do it than to just do it myself. I let him know, and now he actually comes up and checks her to see if she needs a change (I check her too, but the pressure is off). Anyway, the most important thing is to let him know how the responsibility of it all feels to you. I'm sure you guys can negotiate a solution.

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by mamajama on Last Tuesday
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  Jenns - I loved that article! (Printed it out and gave to my husband

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Nataly on Last Tuesday
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  Ok, here´s my suggestion, which might sound a bit weird, but it works. Sex. I´m guessing that with a 9 month old and your MIL in the house, your sex life is probably not the same as before.
  
  So you can use it as a bargaining tool . . . tell him that you are really tired when you come home from work and then having to clean up after him and the baby really wears you out and that there is no way you can get in the mood when you are so exhausted.
  
  Now, guys don´t get hints, so you will have to come right out and tell him that you would love to have the energy to have sex, but in order for that to happen, he needs to pick up his clothes and take his own dishes to the sink, etc. Be specific, as someone mentioned above. I think you will most likely see some results very soon. Of course, then you have to hold up your end of the bargain, but it is worth it!

  Flag as inappropriate Posted by Genesis on 14th December 2007