Why did I think I could have it all, all at the same time?

This weekend has been a time of change, small yet significant changes, in a very good way.

Friday didn't go so well. I ended up canceling a playdate, which meant trapping the children inside the house for the entire day. That's not good. But. I didn't feel so hot. And it's a good thing I acknowledged this, because by about 3:30 I had wasted away into uselessness.

My husband picked up the ball as soon as he got home. But I stressed myself about all I didn't get to and thought I should have. I couldn't see all I had done, only all I had left left undone. My mind is consumed daily with mental checklists for home, family, and work.

On Saturday I read a blog post that reminded me that less is more, and I need to step back and take stock sometimes: I needed to figure out how to find my own less is more.

Then, later, I read another blog post by a mom who was in a similar position to me: working from home while trying to parent and manage a household. Three full-time jobs all demanding the same slots of time.She ended with the changes she was making to help life roll more smoothly, more balanced. I was so ready to be inspired.

So, instead of working, doing chores, running errands, etc. on Saturday my family and I went to the fair and had fun. Oh, did we have fun.

When we got home, later, after we put the children to bed, my husband and I talked. I admitted I had pushed myself too hard last week, had done too much, even while fretting about how much was left undone. I confessed I felt I had brought on illness on Friday by not listening to my body and taking better care. Then I said I felt trapped between obligations and self-care. Mommies don't get sick days or time off.

He asked me, "If money wasn't an issue, what would you do? What would you let go of?"

I asked a question back, "Do you mean if money wasn't an issue or if money wasn't an object?" Without waiting for his answer, I pressed on, "You know what? I'd hire a cleaner for the house. Hands down the biggest source of conflict in this house is cleaning. It's easily one of my biggest areas of frustration and resentment. I'd be a lot less stressed if tidying and maintaining was all I had to do. I'd be a lot less annoyed if I didn't constantly walk through the house seeing chores I needed to do."

I paused to think, run through what I thought must be a hugely long list of things I wanted to offload. Instead, I only found one more thing: "And subcontract some of the work. I want a subcontractor."