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I recently conducted a workshop for women on networking. One of the exercises we did involved evaluating our existing networking as to whether they met our goals. A number of the women had attended a particular breakfast meeting and found it helpful. As we discussed it quite a few women in the group said that, no matter how useful a breakfast meeting might be, they couldn't attend because they had children to organize. Their response was automatic. They did not even stop to think about whether it would be possible or how it could be organized. I asked if their men ever went to breakfast meetings. Many of them indicated that they did. Did their men ever stay home from a breakfast meeting they wanted to go to because they had children to organize? No, not really. Did they ever talk with the women about what they could do before they left to make things easier for her -- for example, making the children's lunches? No, not really. So why do the men feel that they can go to breakfast meetings without considering what is going to happen to their children, and women can't?
As women, we need to be assertive in negotiating with our men around the shared care of our children. It is a negotiation, not a fight. It is a conversation, but an important and crucial one if you both want a career and a family. So how do you start that conversation?
1.) Chose an appropriate time to initiate this important conversation. Timing is all important. You both need to be relaxed and able to focus. You need to choose a time when you are unlikely to be interrupted. Sometimes it can be good to foreshadow the discussion by saying early in the week, "Over the weekend I'd like us to find some time when we can talk about how we can work together in sharing our work and the children." That way, it is not sprung on him.
2.) Approach the discussion with a positive attitude. Believe in what you are doing. Believe in yourself. Believe that the two of you can work this through and that the outcome will be good for everyone.
3.) Be clear about your position. Get clear within yourself about what it is you want here. You want to go to this breakfast meeting once a month. You believe this is reasonable. You want your partner to be responsible for the children that morning. This, however, is not just about this event. It is about the two of you working more together as a team. You want to feel that you are both helping each other to be who he/she wants to be, and to achieve your respective hopes and dreams. You want to feel that your hopes and dreams are equally as important as his. You want to develop a way for the both of you to work through issues like this as they arise.
About the Author:
Maree Harris is a coach and workshop facilitator with a special interest in women and leadership.
