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I ended up with knock down drag out post partum depression around 4 months after giving birth but even before that, there were signs.
Like the time I threw a dirty plate from the dinner table up in the air because I was so angry. Or when I screamed at my husband to "give me the baby, you can't keep her from me!" then ran through the house slamming doors and cursing at him to leave me alone. Or the time I out of the house screaming with the car keys, thinking I'd drive away (where? somewhere, anywhere) and he had to chase after me, wrap his arms around me tightly, and lead me back into the house.
When it hit hard, it wasn't depression in the way I had imagined depression. I wasn't really sad. I was angry. I was seething. I was absolutely furious. Everything set me off. In my mind, as long as I didn't want to hurt my baby, then everything would be okay. But I didn't think twice about wanting to hurt myself.
When it looked like I was going to be put on anti-depressants, I personally couldn't go there. I had heard too many stories about people who went on them and then committed suicide and knowing how sensitive I am to anything I put into my body, I feared that medication would send me over the edge.
So I turned to a naturopath and in one 2 hour visit, she pinpointed exactly what I needed. She said that the hormone imbalance I was feeling included large amounts of adrenaline and epinephrine pumping into my system and sending me into "fight or flight" mode. This definitely explained my state of constant panic. The only way I could describe it was that I was screaming inside. Constantly.
She gave me supplements to help my adrenal glands to stop overproducing adrenaline and an amino acid to spray under my tongue when I would start to feel panicky. Within a few days, I felt...as normal as one can feel after having a life changing and body changing event occur at age 41 (having a baby, of course).
I can't say normal because I'm not who I was before baby. I'm another person, totally changed, and half the time I'm not sure who I am. I've seen a therapist a few times now to explore this aspect of motherhood. Nobody told me I would feel like I'm losing my identity and an identity crisis could be part of PPD.
In the months since I started getting treatments for my PPD, I haven't had any out of control, irrational outbursts. And I'm not screaming inside. When I feel a scream creeping up, I spray the amino acid under my tongue a few times and then take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I have only had to do that one time in the last month.
