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Little Known Laws of Parenting

Observations from eight years of being a mom.

by Karen Webb  |  2187 views  |  0 comments  |        Rate this now! 

  • There is a mathematical formula to calculate the time it takes for two children to get every toy they have, half their clothes, three blankets, and most of the couch cushions and assemble it all into a really cool fort (a.k.a. a really big mess in your living room). It's a linear relationship based on the number of hours you have spent tidying up. It takes approximately ten minutes of fort building for every 2.3 hours of tidying or cleaning. I have this on a spreadsheet.
  • Start getting very suspicious and expect a phone call from an angry neighbor, a perturbed teacher, or the mother of one of your child's classmates when you observe your child: a) spontaneously cleaning his/her room; b) making you a card which lists in great detail all of the reasons why they love you; c) offer you some of their leftover Halloween candy (particularly if it's March); or d) tell you that you are the best mom in the whole wide world even though you work too much and don't spend a lot of time with him/her.
  • Your child will repeat any offensive language you utter, particularly four-letter words, and will choose to do so in a situation that causes you the most embarrassment. Case in point, mom cuts her finger while cutting red peppers to pack a “healthy snack” for child's lunch (red, because the green ones she just cut are yucky and apparently tear-provoking.) In severe pain, she utters the big one, the Mother Theresa of all curse words, the F-bomb, and then promptly tries to cover it up by saying “fudge, I said fudge.” The child will either a) correct the mom in front of the dad by saying “no, you said ____,” b) tell grandma (a.k.a. your mother-in-law) that you said ____, c) tell his/her teacher and classmates that you said ____, or d) tell everyone in the supermarket, grocery clerks, shoppers, and cashiers included, that you said ____.
  • Your child will choose the most inopportune moment to climb into your lap, jump into your arms, or pull your neck down to kiss you for the simple purpose of letting you know much they love you. Drop everything and enjoy this special moment.
  • Karen Webb is a freelance writer, screenwriter, and marketing consultant who lives in the Boston area with her husband and two children.  Karen owns Pinch Hit Productions, a film production company, and Pinch Hit Marketing, a strategic marketing consulting company.  Her script "Green Grass,” an award-winner at the 2007 Vail Film Festival, is currently in pre-production and scheduled to begin filming in June.  She can be reached at karen.webb@comcast.net .

    About the Author

    Karen Webb is a freelance writer, screenwriter, and marketing consultant who lives in the Boston area with her husband and two children.

    Read more by Karen Webb




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