Before eight o'clock this morning, I sat in my garage, inside my car having a snot-slinging crying fit. Why? The kids were already fed, dressed, and delivered to school--on a rainy morning, no less. I made them cinnamon toast with peanut butter and fresh strawberries for breakfast (and I remembered to wipe the baby down really well afterwards because his teacher is allergic to peanuts). I put my daughter's breakfast on her favorite pink plate and cut my son's strawberries into small bites.
Today is picture day, so they were sporting fresh haircuts and cute outfits. Homework, library books, signed forms, checks for pictures, healthy snack for after school, nap blankie, sippy cup, extra clothes—I had left no stone unturned. The dog slept in his crate. The bills were paid. Dinner simmered in the crock pot. The bathrooms sparkled. The laundry was folded atop the dryer. I had checked my work email twice already--before 8 am--and answered one high priority call.
Then I sat in the garage and cried. Because it still didn't feel like ENOUGH.
My husband is out of the country this week, so I've been doing double duty and cutting myself some slack (let's just say the baby has been eating A LOT of "f’ench f'ies"). Work is busy, school is busy, and the home still has to be tended to. I am spread thin. Which reminds me to add "lose 30 lbs and start working out again" to my list of things to do because I'm not thin--I'm spread thin--and I cannot seem to stop adding things to my stupid to do list!
So I cried. And I repeated these words until I started to believe them:
I have enough. I do enough. I am enough.
"I have enough"--This is easy for me to believe. It's just about things and I can look around and see that I have all of the things I need and many of the things I want. I have a home. Healthy kids. Strawberries to feed them. Seashells from vacation. A turkey made from little handprints. Retirement savings. Flowers in flower boxes. A job I enjoy. A car I can sit in when I need to cry.
"I do enough"—This is a little trickier, because I am a sucker for comparing myself to other moms and judging myself short. Stupid, I know, but a habit that's hard to break. Sure, I fed them strawberries for breakfast, but maybe they should have been organic? I got them to school on time, but other parents biked with their kids to school. That little girl has a hair bow--does my daughter want a hair bow? I signed the form, but a day late. I answered the emails...should I have been at my desk? I haven't made it to the school to have lunch with my daughter this year, and her school is only two blocks from my office. That laundry on the dryer needs to be put away. I hope I got all the peanut butter off of him...what if I missed some? Should it be organic peanut butter? Fair trade peanut butter? Organic, free-range, fair trade, non-GMO, reduced fat, hypoallergenic peanut butter...Another reminder to add that to the shopping list.