Define the problem and ask, immediately, “Is one of us just picking a fight?” Actually do this. Sometimes, this will be the end of the argument, for some arguments are not really about anything except one spouse picking a fight. But the spouse who is picking a fight needs to be honest about it. This can take practice and more than a little humility. If your spouse admits to picking a fight, don’t say, “I told you so.” Show them some respect for having been honest.
Each spouse gets a turn at saying what they need to way about the matter without interruption. This gives each person an opportunity to shed some baggage. This is needed in order to find a solution. But stop yourselves from going on and on, emoting about how upset you are.
Each spouse comes up with a solution. Make these reasonable and not irrational solutions. After you’ve both offered one, then you can brainstorm on the solution. Usually, you’ll come up with one together that is really good.