Member Articles

What is mourning?  Mourning are the defined acts and rituals a person performs after a death or loss.  Wakes, sitting shiva, burning candles, wearing a deceased loved ones clothing are examples of how we comfort and console ourselves.  During the holidays, setting a place for the deceased at the table would be another rite of mourning.

What does coping really mean? There are no rules regarding bereavement, especially during holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.  Coping means being who we need to be and doing what we want to despite the advice and influence of family, friends and society.  If others want to help you, the best way is to communicate what you need and avoid trying to please others because you are afraid of offending them by not taking their wisdom.  Coping may mean crying, laughing, getting angry and throwing a pillow all in the same hour.  It may mean exercising for hours, baking 400 cookies, or sitting in your bedroom listening to gloomy music.  The only exception is if you feel that after a period of time, which varies with each person and their responsibilities, especially if you have young children, that you are becoming dyfunctional and deteriorating then you need to consider doing whatever it takes to start the healing process including speaking to your pastor, joining a support group or seeing a grief therapist.

Lastly, people often ask when will the pain stop, how long will I feel this emptiness, this loneliness. Focus not on the time, but the journey because with every loss there are lessons and gifts that are left behind to be learned and unwrapped.

* Story from A Decembered Grief by Harold Ivan Smith, adapted by Anne Brenner in Mourning and Mitzvah.