I still have days of doubt and hopelessness, that sometimes suck me back into my feelings of grief. But, at least now I can say that I also have times when my awareness and acceptance has become a friend to me. Excepting my limitations allows me to feel empowered to turn my life in a different direction, a direction I may not have seen had it not been for my hitting rock bottom with nowhere else to turn. I am still very afraid that I will fail, I am just more afraid of failing to even try. The one thing I have is my hope, and as long as I never let go of that, I think I will be o.k.
I do have a different kind of hope now than I did in the past. I don't hope to have my illness go away, I just hope that I can learn to live the best life I possibly can along side of it. I hope for the courage to not allow my illness to push me back into depression, and that if it does, I hope to find the strength to pull myself back out. I hope for my continued understanding that what weakens me, might also be what empowers me. I hope for the ability to allow the lessons I have learned through my own struggles, be a catalyst in helping others who may be in similar situations as I have been. I hope that I will never allow myself to lose hope again.
So, just in case my "lesson" was lost in this commentary, it was about acceptance. The sooner someone with a chronic illness can accept their condition, the sooner that person can begin to live the life they were meant to live. This doesn't happen overnight, you will have to go through the grieving process in your own way, but the sooner you begin your journey to acceptance, the sooner you will get there. And, time does have an eerie way of helping to heal our wounds.
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Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mandy Nelson - Dandysound on 10th October 2007