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Phobias

6 stupid things that scare me silly

by Jeannie MacDonald  |  622 views  |  0 comments  |      Rate this now! 

What are you afraid of?

I mean, aside from the usual suspects, like terrorism and cellulite?

Fortunately, I’m not held hostage by a fear of chopsticks (onsecotaleophobia) or clowns (oulrophobia). My fears are a little more obscure than that:

1.) Postslumberpartyphobia. Sending your kid to a birthday sleepover is a double-edged sword. The good side: a little less chaos at home, a little more “You Time” (pint of Chunky Monkey, purely optional). The bad side: your angel returns the next morning, jacked up on sugar, Cheetohs and sleep deprivation. But hey, look on the bright side. They didn’t play “High School Musical” 15 times in a row at your house!

2.) Retailshakedownphobia. There aren’t enough wine spritzers in the world to make me attend a Pampered Chef or Longaberger party. Yes, I could buy a $100 basket with a $37 liner, but frankly, I’d rather fund my retirement. And to those hostesses who claim, “You don’t have to buy anything. Just come!” I beg to differ. The estrogen-fueled peer pressure at these events takes a page from the Mob playbook. Soon, I’m slapping down $59 for the “Ultimate Mandoline” so I’m not shunned by the women in my ‘hood.

3.) Latrinachatphobia. This is a two-parter. Part one: having a co-worker continue a lengthy conversation as I go into the loo (seriously, closing the door means I’ll pick this up in a minute). The sequel: having someone in the adjacent stall continue their cell phone conversation while doing their business. Both involve the same conundrum: When’s a girl supposed to flush?

4.) Nudiegymphobia. Modesty is severely underrated and overdue for a comeback. Like when I’m in the locker room at the gym? Don’t want to talk with naked strangers about whether I’ve taken the Pilates class. I understand there’s a period of necessary nudity before and after you shower, but I’m not particularly comfortable chatting when I can see your tampon string dangling. Really. Do everyone a favor. Grab a towel. Then we’ll talk.

5.) Apostrophobia. Others can sail through life, blissfully unaware of spelling errors and bad punctuation, but I am a writer. It’s traumatic to see phrases like, “The biggest sale in it’s history” or “Your cordially invited…” All I can do is wince, avert my gaze and move on. My only solace is that millions of grammar junkies (OK, at least 12!) share my pain.

6.) Ventischmentiphobia. Sometimes, a person just wants a simple cup of coffee. Don’t really want to learn a new language to do it. So, Starbucks. Time to retire the cult lingo. Since I can’t remember which is bigger, the “venti” or “grande,” I’ll be chillin’ at Dunkin’ Donuts ‘til you get over yourself.

Now, it's your turn to 'fess up to YOUR phobias!

 

 

 

About the Author

Jeannie MacDonald is a freelance writer, wife, and mother of one, who lives on the New Hampshire seacoast.

Read more by Jeannie MacDonald




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