Every time I walk into my laundry room I see the free sample cans of formula sitting there, tempting me. I HATE BREASTFEEDING ... there I said it. Let the La Leche League come hunt me down. I want to like it, but I just don't. I want to do it for my daughter, but the stress of it all can't be good for either of us. Every day I consider giving up.
Week 5: Now she's screaming every time I try to breastfeed her. Does she have nipple confusion already? Thrush? Clearly she hates breastfeeding too. I'm a failure at this.
I can't help but wonder if I would still be fighting this hard to do it if it wasn't supposed to help me lose weight. There I said that too. I'll also say that during much of my time spent pumping I consider the need for a breast lift at some point in the near future. Could I do it? What kind of message would that send my daughter? How much would it cost, and how badly would it hurt?
Week 6: Somehow (probably from the guilt) I haven't given up, but I've given in to giving her a couple of bottles of formula a day. The rest of her meals are breast milk. I get her to nurse a couple times each day for a while before she screams, and the rest is pumped. When someone asks me if I'm breastfeeding, I give them kind of a dumb, blank look. Sometimes I try to explain the mishmash of meals she's getting. Once I just burst into tears.
And that's where we are now: some pumping, some nursing and some bottles of formula. Because I can't pump as often as necessary and because she's not nursing regularly, my milk supply isn't increasing quickly enough to keep up with her. I see more and more formula in our future, and I wonder how long I'll rent the breast pump.
But I'm OK with this situation ... mostly. There's still a lingering sense of guilt with each bottle of formula I feed her. I know I could have tried harder, done more. But that's how it is with parenting. There will always be more we could have done, should have done - more books that could have been read, more games that could have been played, more healthy meals cooked, more patience practiced. But we can't beat ourselves up for it all. We have to find a balance ... or at least strive to.
One thing I know I'll never question though is if I loved them enough. And for me, that's enough.
While Lila Claire is my second child, this has really been my first experience with breastfeeding. Because my son was born so prematurely, he wasn't able to latch on. I pumped for about four months so that he would have breast milk to supplement the formula he had to have for his growth.







5 comments so far...
I never got the hang of pumping, the amount of time it took to produce 4 oz, I couldn't actually consider myself to be working and taking the amount of time to produce the bottles she would need while I was away.
So she became a dual kid; formula at daycare & breast at home. That was the real dream. I was no longer tense & stressed about trying to produce the milk, she was not screaming hungry and we still had times of feeding.
As noted, the hardest were the other moms, unfortunately the leader of the local La Leche League goes to my church; I learned to avoid her. Because what can anyone every really know about anyone else's circumstances? And who is anyone to judge another mother's decision on feeding her child?
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mich on 4th February 2010
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Octavia3 on 15th June 2009
I didn't breastfeed and I wasn't breastfed either. My reasoning - why should I have all the fun with being up during the middle of the night with feedings? :-D We simply switched off the 2am every other night. Worked like a charm and, tho she had her share of ear infections and strep, which I might add are common with breast fed kids too, she was fine. Quite frankly, I never gave it a 2nd thought. And lo and behold, I wasn't harassed about it either. Course I think that also had to do with my attitude of not letting someone guilt-trip me into something I had no wish or intention of doing anyway.
Just take your time. If it's to be, it will be. If not, don't worry about it. Formula is fine. Besides, with the formula, then hubby can do it too and let YOU get some sleep. :-D
Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 4th June 2009
Flag as inappropriate Posted by TLoiselle on 23rd April 2009
Flag as inappropriate Posted by z on 23rd April 2009