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Keeping it Spicy

Regaining your sexuality post-partum

by MaryP  |  2851 views  |  1 comment  |        Rate this now! 

Over in the forums, a three-month postpartum mother was wondering how to keep the relationship spiced up. Not surprisingly, she's not feeling very sexy right now, and yet she still wants to know she's attractive to her husband.

Rare is the mother who doesn't experience this. You're tired, you're adjusting physically and emotionally, you have a new emotional focus in your life. Your sex drive plummets post-partum, that's normal, but you don't want to leave your husband on the outside, all frustrated and feeling rejected (or worse, feeling replaced by this baby), and you don't want to lose that vital, energizing part of yourself, either! Even as you sigh at the very thought of sex right now, you also worry that you'll always feel this sexually neutral, and you don't want that, either! Not to worry: You'll get it back if you want it back.

First, start thinking of yourself as a sexual woman again. We tend, in this culture, to separate the sexual from the maternal. A mother can't be sexy -- she's just a mom! We talk about our "mom clothes" and our "mom hair", and we mean something less than flattering. (Now, why should this be, anyway? Those terms could mean something quite different -- but not in this culture!)

But just because you know you can be sexual and a mother, still doesn't mean you WANT to have sex right now. Your sex drive seems to have tanked. That's okay, that's normal. Give yourself time, and take it in baby steps.

Because what you need to do at this point is to rev up your sex drive. You don't go from 0 to 60 in two seconds, not if you want that engine to last! You go up steadily, increasing the revs and changing gears, a step at a time.

This point is key to your return to the world of sex and play: It doesn't always have to be sex. At this stage in your life, the thought of sex often holds little pleasure. Instead, it seems like yet another exhausting obligation someone is demanding of your exhausted, touched-out body!

So. Take some of the pressure off yourself by thinking outside the restrictions of intercourse. Do some things for yourself to make you feel pretty and feminine - and sexy! Because we all know that it can be hard to feel sexy when your sleep is disrupted a gazillion times a night, your body's still all soft and squooshy from the pregnancy, and you smell like sour milk half the time!

You will have to talk to your husband about this. Don't beat around the bush. Men are straightforward critters, and prefer straight talk. Tell him that you want your sex drive back, but you'll have to take it in stages -- which means that though you'll enjoy sexy play, you won't always want sex. (Use the car analogy from a few paragraphs up. That's a good 'guy' image.) Be fair: you can't bring him to the brink ten times in a row and never take him over. But you do need to know you can be playful and sexy without having to run the full marathon every time. And right now, it feels like a marathon, doesn't it?

About the Author

Mother of three (teens), step-mother of five (teens), home daycare operator of five (todders), and STILL SANE!! NOTHING is impossible...

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1 comment so far...

  • I think this is great advice at ANY stage of a relationship, really - there's definitely an ebb and flow over time (I haven't been postpartum for over 23 years, but have definitely had times when I just didn't feel "into it."). I may need to bookmark this one for reference :-)

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Florinda Pendley Vasquez on 22nd October 2007