All good conversations start with a confession, so here’s mine: I feel like a failure.
You’ll notice that I said I feel like a failure rather than I am a failure because that is the nugget of what I’m going to be writing about here in The Failure Chronicles for Work It, Mom! How feeling like a failure is different from actually being a failure, and how anyone — no matter how un-failure-like they may appear to be to most people — can be consumed with the notion that they are a complete and utter loser. Which is just one of the many good things about failure: anyone can succeed at it.
As strange as it may sound, what I hope to do here on Work It, Mom! is the exact opposite: I’m going to be spending more time focusing on failure and less time trying to be successful. Because it’s my true belief (not to mention obsession) that focusing on failure -- the relativity of it (and the relativity of success), the upside of it (yes, there is an upside to failure), and the humor of it (yes, failure can be funny: trust me, you’ll see) – ultimately leads to the unlikeliest of places: success.
Failing seems to be what most working moms feel they’re doing most of the time, even if most of the time they’re doing an amazing job doing exactly the opposite: not failing. But with all the responsibilities of motherhood [the naps the snacks the clothes the cooking the cleaning the calendar the school the soccer the gymnastics the trains the dinosaurs the Goldfish the Bratz the Webkinz] – and all the responsibilities of employment [the work the deadlines the panic the pressure the angst the bills the bills the bills did I mention the bills?] – not to mention all the responsibilities of coupledom [the marriage the marriage the marriage] it’s no wonder that most of us, most of the time, feel like we’ve failed at something every single day.







18 comments so far...
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Shelly on 26th March 2008
I'm not sure I can always keep such a zen perspective, but it seems to be something to work towards.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kat on 25th January 2008
I guess I'm talking about the relativity of failure, aren't I? To me, failure occurs when you attempt a specific thing, and don't attain it. But a *specific* thing, not "I want to be a good mother", and anything less that that nebulous, ill-defined "goal" is failure. If that's not setting yourself up for failure, I don't know what is. It's both self-defeating and self-aggrandizing. And we have to KNOCK IT OFF.
Make your goals specific. Suitably challenging, but specific and within the realms of reality. If you don't achieve a goal, you may, if you wish, count that as a failure, learn from it and move on. But if you learn from it -- it's not failure.
It's when we're so afraid of failure, when we've tangled our goals in with our self-worth, so that a normal setback becomes something that we can't move past, that colours our attitude to ourselves and our capabilities ... then and only then is it truly failure.
Otherwise, it's just being human, it's just learning from life. Which is what we're supposed to be doing, all our lives long.
Falling short isn't failure. Wallowing is.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by MaryP on 10th November 2007
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Deeanna on 9th November 2007
Flag as inappropriate Posted by KathyHowe on 9th November 2007
Flag as inappropriate Posted by unkeptmomof3 on 9th November 2007
I don't know who said this quote or how it goes exactly, but it's to your point exactly...
"No one plans to fail; they fail, to plan."
I just realized that you can interpret this two ways. First, you fail b/c you didn't plan. Or, as I interpret it, you fail in order to start planning...it's all in the comma...can't wait to read more in your column!
-Carla
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Carla on 9th November 2007
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Laura Zigman on 8th November 2007
Yet another perfect point about the culture of failure and how, in the realm of motherhood - working or otherwise -- the message is that we are always failing. No matter what we do. I just wrote a piece about "Failing at Cancer" and it's all about how you can't win there either -- no matter what you do, you are still blamed for getting it or not surviving it. Same here. Much more to come and really looking forward to hearing your thoughts...
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Laura Zigman on 8th November 2007
I love what you said about failure being about "finding out." My point exactly (except of course that you were the one to put it so perfectly) about failure being good. More to come -- and so glad you're going to be part of the conversation!
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Laura Zigman on 8th November 2007
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Laura Zigman on 8th November 2007
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Laura Zigman on 8th November 2007