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Thanks to Leslie Morgan Steiner over at On Balance for highlighting a new Pew Research Center study of factors that contribute to marital satisfaction.
Turns out, having kids doesn’t do much to create a happy marriage. According to the article about the study in the Washington Post,“on a list of nine contributors to success in marriage, children were trumped by faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship, household chore-sharing, economic factors such as adequate income and good housing, common religious beliefs, and shared tastes and interests.”
In addition, one of the key findings of the study is that “just four-in-ten (41%) say that children are very important to a successful marriage, compared with 65% of the public who felt this way as recently as 1990.”
When I read about the study’s findings, I nodded. Based on my personal experience, I don’t think that having children can make a marriage better or more successful. I think it can deepen the relationship between parents and add another dimension to it, but I wouldn’t say that having our daughter has improved our marriage. In fact, at times, it’s put tremendous stress on it and made it challenging to find time to invest in our relationship as people vs. as parents.
What do you think? How has having children affected your marriage or relationship? Do you agree with the findings of the study?
Afterthought: What I think is also interesting is that Sharing household chores has increased significantly in importance as a contributing factor to a successful marriage since 1990. As a busy working mom whose husband also works, I couldn’t agree more.
This entry was posted on Monday, July 2nd, 2007 at 6:52 am and is filed under Parenting & Family, Your life.
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July 2nd, 2007 at 8:37 am
I totally agree with this study. I’m in a very happy relationship and we are excited to have our first child this fall. However, I have to admit that secretly I worry if having a child and both parents working would put a strain on our marriage??? I hear so many people say: children are great but our relationship is definitely suffering. It kind of makes sense, parents have less time for themselves and for each other once they have a child. I think having a strong relationship/marriage with your partner is a MUST prior to having a family. So many people think that if they have a child, their problems will disappear. I think children are wonderful but they are not a solution for a weak marriage.
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:15 am
This sounds totally reasonable to me. It seems like in many marriages it ends up being about “the kids” and/or “the family” (which usually means the kids) after awhile, and “the couple” ends up getting lost somewhere, having not much in common anymore except the kids. That was definitely one of the things that occurred between my ex-husband and me. (Also from that experience, I can attest to the high importance of faithfulness, but won’t get into that discussion right now.) Also, especially in the early years, kids need so much time and attention that, especially when both parents are working too, there may not be a lot left over for each other. I think that once kids are in the picture, a couple may feel more like a family, but those joys definitely come in a package deal with stress. And I completely agree with Victoria about the importance of a strong relationship PRIOR to having kids.
I’m now remarried with two stepchildren, and I’ve heard that statistically, the biggest factor in breakups of second marriages is the children from the prior marriages. It does make forging a strong relationship as a couple more challenging when the kids are present from the get-go. But I’m very lucky so far. My stepkids are great people, and my husband and I are both committed to making everything work. Also, his shared-custody arrangement with his ex effectively gives us set amounts of “couple time” and “family time.”
I notice that factors related to sex and money both rank a lot higher than kids do in making a marriage work, and that makes sense since those are supposedly the things couples argue about the most.