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According to a Universitiy of Illinois study from 2003 (yes, we just came across this article, thanks to Diane, from WomensDish), it appears that this is the case. The study found that married working moms were much more stressed out during the 5:30-7:30pm time window than their single working mom counterparts. From the article:
Single moms may feel less bound to live up to magazine-cover images and standards of the normative American two-parent family — such as dinner on the table at 6. Without the presence of a husband and father who has to be catered to, things become more simple and flexible.
When I graduated from college and moved to New York City I worked at a job that kept me in the office 12 hours a day. When I came home and collapsed on my couch, dinner often consisted of cereal or crackers and cheese. A year later my husband moved in with me (well, my future husband I should say) and I found myself feeling bad if we didn’t eat something more substantial for dinner. He’d always tell me that it’s fine, he is more than happy to eat cereal, but still, the nurturer in me felt bad.
We’ve now been married for almost six years, have a toddler, and two demanding jobs. Our daughter eats early and by the time she is asleep, we’ve done more work, and gotten things organized for the next day, there’s little energy left to make dinner. But we try - a salad, an omelet, leftovers from the weekend. I do find myself feeling guilty that I am not cooking a nice dinner for us from time to time and I try to do this on weekends. (My husband is an amazingly helpful guy, but cooking is just not his area of expertise. He does mix up a mean bowl of cereal!) Do I feel pressured by my husband to make dinner? Quite the opposite - he is always telling me to not worry about it. I think I feel the pressure because I grew up in a family that valued family dinner time and I think it’s a nice way to spend some time together after the daily run-around.
What about you? If you are married or are in a relationship, do you feel pressure to make dinner for the family? Do you do it because you enjoy it? Single moms, sounds off - do you agree with the findings in this article?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 15th, 2007 at 7:00 am and is filed under Parenting & Family.
Tags: family dinner, home responsibilities, married working moms, single working moms
August 15th, 2007 at 8:36 am
My situation’s a lot like yours, Nataly. Any pressure I feel surrounding dinnertime is pretty much self-imposed. But it really only kicks in on the nights and weekends when my stepkids are with us, and I think that’s totally in line with that quote you cited from that study about the “normative” family model. I do enjoy cooking, but don’t like having to do it in a hurry after a long commute home. My husband’s a lot more laid-back about it than I am, and we try to trade off dinner prep on weeknights with the kids, but I really like to cook at least once on the weekends. On the nights the kids are at their mom’s, it’s often sandwiches or something really simple for us.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:25 am
Family dinner is important to me. So I make it a priority to plan in advance. There a lots of cookbooks that cater to the working mom - Rachel Ray, Cooking Lite, etc all have meals that can get on the table in under 30 minutes.
I found the hardest part was always deciding what to eat with the ingredients that we have in the house. On Sunday morning, I go through the cookbooks and make out a weekly menu. I take a quick stock of what I need to purchase and make a trip up to the store for that week’s menu.
When I get home from work, it is easy to get to work on a dinner knowing that I already have a plan and that we have all the ingredients to get it done. Dinner doesn’t have to be fancy - some of my favorite go-to meals are super easy like cheese quesadillas or english muffin pizzas. But the point is that we all sit together as a family and eat together.
August 15th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Hi Nataly - Thought you would like that study. As a single mom, I have to admit I’m pretty much worry free at the dinner hour. I can always convince my kid to have “breakfast for dinner,” go out to get sushi, or his favorite “all appetizers”. We also break every “family dinner” rule by watching movies during dinner. But, it’s been just the two of us for 7.5 years and we have much more interactive conversations about the movies than we did when we just stared at one another. And he eats more vegetables. But we do try every other week to have other single moms and kids over for a “family dinner”. Yep. No Martha Stewart worries about protocol in this house!
Diane
August 15th, 2007 at 11:37 am
I can’t imagine single mothers have it easier. For us, it is not some stereotype we are trying to live up to but just the reality that for that “witching hour” period every day, three kids (and I) are hungry, wound up, and would prefer to eat healthy food than grab some processed, prepackaged junk from the cupboard. (Which is what they all try to do if I can’t get them fed fast enough. That is, of course, after they pummel each other to death over which TV program they will watch while dinner is being prepared) My husband doesn’t get in from his crappy commute until 7pm and the kids just can’t wait that long. Besides, if we did wait that long, we would not get baths, homework, and books done in time for them to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Single mothers of the world - bless you! I don’t know how you do it. At least I get a glass of wine when my husband gets home and takes over the bath routine.
Here are some tips I’ve learned from the brilliant moms I surround myself with:
* Have another family join you for the dinner hour. I know it sounds crazy, but the comradery of having another grownup around, even if it adds a few more kids to the mix, really helps me keep from screaming my head off. Also, my kids tend to behave slightly better when we have visitors.
* Buy pre-washed baby carrots, sugar snap peas, grape tomatoes, and pre-cut zucchini (I know they cost more but it is worth it) and put them on the table with a bowl of ranch dressing as soon as you walk in the door. That way you buy yourself time to get things together and head off the charge for the cookie cupboard.
* Enlist the kids’ help. I just bought my 8-year old son two cookbooks (Betty Crocker’s kids cookbook and Williams-Sonoma’s Fun Food.) He is now officially responsible for one meal per week as part of his allowance chores. These books have great step-by-step guides and he is really learning an appreciation for food, as well as how much work it takes to get a meal on the table. My daughters are too young to cook so they are in charge of setting the table, putting everyone’s school bags away, taking out the recycling, etc.
* Try “Super Suppers” or “Dream Dinners”. This is just such an awesome concept - you spend about 2 hours per month at a commercial-sized kitchen preparing meals which you then freeze and cook when you need them. Everything is set up and waiting for you. You can follow their recipes or add or eliminate items your family doesn’t eat. And you can buy as few or as many as you want. Then you walk away and someone else cleans up the mess. So, each night when you get home, you just pop one in the oven and delicious food is soon ready.
* If all else fails, hire someone to cook dinner for your family. Seriously, quality time with your family is so precious, why spend it screaming like a maniac (or is that just me…)
August 15th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Kelly - thanks for the great tips. My daughter is only three but already I see that meal prep goes easier if I get her involved - it’s more of a mess and it’s slower, but we get it done!
August 15th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Before my live-in boyfriend and I moved in together, and while our daughter was still too young to even crawl…we made a deal. I’d cook and he’d buy the groceries. (He makes substantially more money than me.)
I, like the rest of you, lived on cereal and Lean Cuisine, (not to mention just alcohol of any form) when I was single. I (patting myself on the back here) am a fabulous cook. I enjoy it tremendously, but not when it’s just for me.
So, when we started spending so much time together, I began cooking for the two of us.
Because he buys, I have an extremely well-stocked pantry and freezer.
If you plan, like Birdie, you can still change your mind - but it’s cheaper and you still have a lot of ingredients from which to choose in your fridge.
We bought our 19 month old all kinds of miniature cooking pots and utensils from Ikea and she has her own cabinet in the kitchen. “Cook” and “help” were two of her first words.
As long as I keep her involved, and put an “appetizer” on the table for her - like olives, cheese, crackers, hummus and sometimes, cheerios - she’s happy.
I don’t always feel the pressure to cook. We eat takeout - we go out - or we warm up lean cuisine or make sandwiches.
While I don’t feel pressure, I do understand how imperative it is to sit around a table together as a family - even if it’s while your child is eating and you’re not. (If they eat before you.)
So many studies conclude the importance of this time. And yet, we can’t all afford the luxury of paying someone to cook for us.
August 15th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Kelly, we get glasses of wine too. We just choose when we’ll have them rather than waiting around for someone else to make it ok.
I think like most things, it’s not black and white, but depends on the family and the personalities.
I loathe cooking. So family dinners really aren’t my thing. I don’t need everyone sitting around appreciating my food. Hell, I don’t appreciate my food sometimes!
I mostly try to make sure that The Ladies have a healthy diet, but chances are, the only time they experience the whole Nelson Family Dinner treatment is when we eat at my moms. Around here, I’m happy to let them eat in front of the tv, and if it ends up that they’ve grazed their way through witching hour on cheese, fruit, and cut up veggies, well, I don’t find myself too fussed over it.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
I think having a sit-down, family dinner at least four or five nights a week is hugely important. It really is a special time during the day when we can connect with each other. I don’t feel pressured to do it because “they” say it is important, but I do make it a priority because I think it is important and I value this time I get to spend with the rest of my family. For our family, the emphasis is on the sitting down at the table together part, and not the meal itself. 10 years ago I put much more pressure on myself to put a meal on the table of which June Cleaver would be proud. But I’ve gotten over that. Way over that. I do still do a lot of cooking from scratch due to my husband’s dietary restrictions (extremely low sodium) but many nights we eat simple things like soup and sandwiches, spaghetti, chicken breasts, baked fish. Not gourmet but healthy and nutritious. I’ve also come to accept that it’s ok to get a rotisserie chicken from the deli rather than roast a chicken at home and it’s actually more economical to pay the $3.99 a pound for the fresh salad at the salad bar than buy all the salad fixins and them throw them away because they turned to mush in the bottom drawer of the fridge. It does take a little work and planning to make family dinner hour a reality, but it is time well spent.
Here are a few of my suggestions for making this work:
Make friends with your crockpot. There’s a great cookbook called Fix It and Forget It, with many yummy recipes. Spend 10 minutes in the morning loading the ingredients into the pot and you’ll come home to dinner.
Make a big dinner on Saturday or Sunday and eat the leftovers on Tuesday or Wednesday.
Once a month cook several big batches of spaghetti, chili, meatloaf, etc. and freeze these. There are several excellent books on once a month cooking out there.
If you really don’t enjoy cooking, see what the grocery store has to offer. Our deli has a great many heat and eat type foods you can buy by the pound, they also have those lifesavers (aka rotisserie chickens), sushi, a huge salad and fruit bar, and of course your typical deli stuff for sandwiches. The frozen food section also has many wonderful items that can be prepared in the oven or a skillet. Cheaper and healthier than eating out or fast food.
August 16th, 2007 at 7:17 am
I’m a single mom and dinner never stresses me out. Of course I don’t COOK either so the fact that we eat out a lot and order pizza delivered could be part of it. LOL
August 16th, 2007 at 11:11 am
The multitude of intelligent comments have covered my situation as well. Here’s a short summery: My husband and son “bond” at the grocery store each week when they do the shopping. I do the majority of the cooking because my husband doesn’t get home until later. My crockpot is essential. So are planned-overs: creative use of leftovers from a weekend cooking binge. The kids know that if we have sloppy joes or spaghetti with meatsauce, a crockpot of chili is likely to turn up soon! That said, I find myself reaching for “easy” meals like chicken nuggets or fish stix much too often. I’m still working on cooking more from scratch, because we’re running into problems with weight and cholesterol. Well, off I go to start the breadmaker…