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In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Suzanne Riss, the Editor of Working Mother Magazine, talked about the fact that there is no such thing as work-life balance for working moms. From the interview:
Most working moms tell me it’s realizing that there’s no 50/50 split when it comes to balancing work and home. The image is that it should be equal. The more we recognize that, the better off we are and the saner we feel. Some days, moms have to give more at work if there’s a big project due and the kids might not see them as much. Other days, you’ll give more to your family. That’s one thing you make peace with, that you’re forced to make choices.
I think this is true and I’ve seen this play out in my own life. There is no balance - sometimes I am more of a mom, others I am more of a professional and entrepreneur. Somewhere in there I try to fit in being a wife, a daughter, and a friend, but it’s never in balance. (When we were thinking about the tagline for Work It, Mom! one of the first things we decided against was using the word balance in it. We didn’t want to promise something that we didn’t think existed. Juggle seemed much more fitting.)
While I’ve tried to accept the idea of there being no balance in my life I’ve struggled with constantly feeling that I am not being as great of a mom/professional/wife/daughter/friend as I’d like to be. I’ve heard this so often from other working moms and the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I am not fighting this mental battle alone.
I’ve also gotten better at the work-life juggle by learning to focus on certain things and go easier on others; letting go of my inner perfectionist is not easy, but it is essential to making this all work. I loved a recent article that Jordan, one of Work It, Mom! members, wrote about all the things that she does not do to create time for the things that she wants and has to do in her life. Check it out - lots of members responded and shared their own tips.
How do you deal with imbalance in your life as a working mom? Is it something you’ve accepted and found a way to make work? How do you deal with not being able to give 100% to your kids or work or relationships? Can you share some tips that work for you?
This entry was posted on Monday, August 27th, 2007 at 3:21 am and is filed under Balancing Act, Your life.
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August 27th, 2007 at 5:49 am
I work full time. My company is great in that we have flex time and family is priority. I am fortunate enough to live close by and get to go home at lunchtime to see my daughter for 30-40 minutes before returning to work. It really helps seeing her in the middle of the day to get me through. If it’s at all possible to have lunch with your kids/family at least once a week, that would be a tip for a more relaxed afternoon. Before she was born, I loved getting overtime. Now, I don’t want to do any at all because it sacrifices my time with her. She is only 11 months old and now is the time she is learning very quickly. I don’t want to miss a moment that I don’t have to. I still feel like I’m not there enough for her. I would love to be able to stay home with her at least until she starts school. It’s just impossible to afford that right now.
August 27th, 2007 at 9:03 am
I agree that “juggle” is probably a better description than “balance” for what we’re trying to manage. “Balance” implies an offset, an equal distribution - and as a CONSISTENT state, is pretty tough to achieve. And my feeling is that if you DON”t compromise sometimes, what really goes out of balance isn’t your schedule or your life, but your mental and emotional health - and if you don’t pay attention to that, your ability to juggle is what ends up getting compromised.
I also loved Jordan’s article, and I think the Working Mother editor is right. It’s about choices, and recognizing we can’t be everything to everyone all the time. We have to set standards for ourselves, not based on society’s expectations or unrealistic images. Being organized helps, but so does embracing flexibility and understanding that the parts of our lives often leak out of their little compartments - sometimes your family needs more, sometimes your job does, etc. I’ve been at the juggle for a LONG time, and I’m still learning, but these concepts have helped me - sometimes more than any specific tips.
August 27th, 2007 at 9:53 am
One thing that has really helped me is to delegate tasks. I pay a cleaning lady every two weeks to come in and clean so that I can have more time for more important things like building scary Play-doh creatures. I spend a bit more on prepared foods to cut down on cooking time. The thing that women have to realize is that they can’t be 100% perfect in any area of their life. Something’s always got to give. The challenge is to find ways to do *your* best at home and at work and cut down/delegate the things that don’t help you achieve either goal.
August 27th, 2007 at 10:42 am
I totally agree with your assessment that balance is the wrong term. I think we’re not trying to achieve work/life balance as much as work/life integration. I work from a home office, so in my case, it might be a more fluid situation than others who work outside of the home, but I find that most of my day (and certainly my endless “To Do” list) is consumed by both work and non-work activities. I’ve stopped beating myself up for the work-related items that don’t always get done during daylight hours, and started to recognize that I’m getting a lot of other stuff done. And while designing a brochure might be able to wait until the end of the day (meaning, after bedtime), shopping for groceries so we have food for lunch might not.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:16 am
I have had to let go some of the things I want to pursue, like my own creative writing and painting. It’s not so much that I don’t have any free time to pursue them– it’s just that I don’t have the energy anymore. By the time I am done with “have to” each day, the “want to” is limited to a historical romance and/or a bath.
August 28th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
I love that list of things people don’t do because they’re working. My list mirrors Jordan’s exactly. But there are several things I’ve compromised to “balance” my life and my sanity as a working mom, several of which I’ve shared on my blog. But mostly I’ve given up the delusion of being the perfect executive, wife and mother. And I say we should not only give up the delusion in our own minds, but we should give up the illusion of being perfect to everyone else. That one I haven’t quite mastered yet.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:34 am
I wrote about this topic on my blog (http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/2007/08/how-much-do-you-compromise.html).
Here’s my “compromise” list:
* Sleep (though it’s much better now than in the first few months)
* Socializing (especially during the week, plus we host many fewer parties than we used to)
* Money for fun stuff (formula, diapers, and a new set of clothes every few months get expensive)
* Me time (unless you count my commute to and from work–which I don’t)
* Reading (I think I’ve read three whole books since she was born; I used to read a ton)
* Extracurricular activities (Volunteering? Hobbies? Forget about it.)