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I’ve made more money than my husband for as long as we’ve known each other, right up until the point when I took the plunge and gave up the security and fat paycheck of my finance job to do something I’ve always wanted to do - become a full-time entrepreneur. I’ve always worked in business or finance, where people make a lot of money, my husband worked in several industries where average salaries are much lower. It never bothered me.
And then our daughter was born. I was happy to go back to work - I like to work, I want to work, and I have to work - but as time went on and I struggled to be a mom and keep up my stressful big-money-making career, I began to feel some resentment. I’d catch myself in envy of moms who had less stressful and lower paying jobs which they could afford to have because their husbands were the primary breadwinners.
Mixed in with this resentment was a tremendous feeling of betrayal and even shame. I felt like I was betraying the feminist ideals that I’d achieved through very hard work - becoming a successful woman in a male-dominated career field and doing it on my own terms. Here I was, a super-achiever by most standards, and the stress of it, the pressure of it was crushing me. Why wasn’t I strong enough to handle it? Why was being the primary breadwinner stressing me out so much instead of making me proud of the fact that I was able to support my family financially?
I was so happy to read a recent blog post by Self-Made Mom about this very issue. She is a successful professional and a mom, but her husband is the primary breadwinner for the family. And she wrote about the fact that she is happy about this, that right now, she really appreciates having the ability to have a job that she has (which includes some flexibility to work from home) and not have to worry about making the majority of the money for the family.
We put so much pressure on ourselves as women - to be incredible moms, great wives and partners, successful and high-achieving professionals. The modern woman is supposed to be able to do it all - superwomen, high achievers, trailblazers, Alpha Moms are terms we see so much in media stories talking about all the amazing things women are achieving. And by many accounts, we are doing it all - recent data suggests that more and more women are becoming the primary earners in their households.
But boy, do I wish I could give myself a break sometimes. I will likely always be the primary breadwinner in our family and I am OK with that; what I wish I could be OK with is the fact that sometimes I wish I weren’t.
This entry was posted on Monday, September 17th, 2007 at 5:33 am and is filed under Career Talk, Relationships & Marriage, Your life.
Tags: Alpha Mom, breadwinner, feminist issues
September 17th, 2007 at 6:10 am
I hold this position in my family too. After my daughter was born, my parents began staying with us to take care of her while we both worked since my dad had his own construction business and it was going slow at the time anyways. Then my hubby got a new job 45 minutes away making less than he was locally so his paycheck was ate up in gas money and I was left supporting 4 adults and a baby on just my income. My dad finally found a job after a long strenuous hunt, and my hubby got more hours at work, but I’m still making the majority of the income for the mortgage, car payment, and all the other bills that come with those. I envy some of the women I know that had low paying jobs that basically quit or went part time to be with their babies. I, on the otherhand, don’t have that option.
September 17th, 2007 at 8:59 am
My husband goes to school full time. He ocassionally works weekends or odd jobs to help supplement our income, but his responsibility is school. My responsibility is financially supporting our family and providing benefits and security through my job. For me, I think the stress of being the primary breadwinner is instinctual. I want to be the nurturer of my kids, not the provider. When my kids get sick, I want to drop everything and run home to cuddle with them on the couch. No one has ever mistaken me for a feminist, so I hope that I am not letting down future generations of women when I long for a career that comes second to my traditional roles as a mom.
September 17th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Primary breadwinner here, too.
I’m married to a teacher, I won’t ever have the flexibility of a work from home job, or, a low paying job that is “meaningful” in some way other than paying the bills.
Sometimes I think about it, but, not often. It just is what it is.
September 17th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Thanks for continuing to write this and have the conversation. As I heard from the readers who read my post, it’s all about choices, and having the choice to do what makes you happy.
September 17th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I was primary breadwinner for the first couple of years of my first marriage, when my son’s father was in grad school, but we evened out after awhile and then he moved ahead (but not all that much). I probably SHOULD be now, based on my position title and responsibilities, which are at higher levels than my husband’s, but since I work for a smallish nonprofit and he’s in Big Corporate, he makes more money (but again, not all that much). But since there’s not a big difference in our pay, with our costs of living it actually does require “co-breadwinners” in our house. But my husband wouldn’t mind at all if I made enough money to support us.
So I’m speaking as somewhat of an outsider here, but it seems to me that some of the provider pressure is probably like what men have felt for a long time in more traditional arrangements. But for women, even though we know that financial support is one way of taking care of our families, there’s still the pull to our more traditional roles in that caretaking at the same time. And that’s where our old friend guilt comes in.
December 15th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
It’s interesting reading the comments and realizing how unusual we are in that we are middle income — and I really mean middle, not high middle, income. I am a teacher, the primary breadwinner, and the provider of the benefits. Laws that regulate teacher salaries have a huge impact on my family because my income isn’t “extra.”
December 16th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Crushing is an understatement! At 51 I just wish I could retire in my late fifties to pursue something I want to do instead of being the beast of burden for the rest of my existence! Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband but the facts are the facts and I have to work to pay bills, not very romantic. Ladies, if ever you find yourselves divorced after 40, please think long and hard about remarriage for the sake of companionship, healthy sex life etc…After menopause my libido has disappeared, I gained 40 pounds and I blame it mostly on the crushing stress of having to support my husband because he can’t make any more money than it is possible for a 54 year while male in this country…Sad but true!