One thing I have learned is not to assume I know what my spouse wants. I also understand that a love one will cover up their true feelings if they think it makes the other happy. This only leads to resentment.

I have not been married long but I share the load. Men today (in the civilize areas) are not the same as our fathers. According to the 2000 census 1/3 of couples with a stay at home spouse had the guy stay home. that says something.

Plus research has shown that it is not the amount of time a parent stays with their child, it is the quality.

My mom drove me nuts staying home all day when I was a little. it was great when she worked. Just having “alone time” real alone time was great. I could read without being interrupted. or just learning from different people.

Then again I always have been an independent person.

As far as nannies go…try a young nursing practitioner or physician’s assistant. Even ones looking for p/t while finishing school. that is what we did. she was a little green but she bent over backwards because she is a medical professional who was going to use us a reference for a future job when finished with school. ( we paid $12/hr) in up-state NYS

Some of the best care. and she spoke French.

I work full time from home with travel to other cities (as does m husband) and still managed to teach my kid Japanese and Italian. Which at 8 month now she can say hello in and respond to other phrases. And she took her first steps for my husband a day ago (I missed it…cause I slept in) .

It is not necessary to stay home. We live on one income and the other goes towards our kid’s college, retirement, and first house fund. Yes really. Everything else she has to pay for. (we can’t do everything for her)

In conclusion do what makes both spouses feel good.

I may be unusually lucky, but my husband–who works in academia for a very modest salary, and yes, we do make do on that one salary alone, and no, we don’t live in an inexpensive area, so yes, it can be done–expresses relief and gratitude on a regular basis that he never has to worry, during his work-day, about his girls being cared for by someone who may mistreat them, doesn’t love them, or doesn’t know them and their needs well. I think that makes up for the pressure.

But it actually makes sense to me that men who aren’t in super-high-earning jobs would feel financial pressure as providers when they have wives at home with the kids. As both you and Kate have mentioned, two incomes are pretty much necessary for many families these days - regardless of how much of the total household income each partner brings in - so losing part of that, as well as adding the costs of a child - hey, who WOULDN’T feel pressured? I’ve also known a few guys who have been pretty proud to have wives with careers.

My current husband’s ex-wife stayed home with their kids, and even though they had both agreed with that choice, he’s told me that being the sole provider was definitely stressful for him. Of course, ideally we’d be independently wealthy and neither of us would have to “provide.”

I am also the breadwinner and always have been and YES it is a lot of pressure! And when we REALLY relied totally on my salary for a while when he tried to go out on his own I was FREAKED OUT!! While I was originally frustrated that he doesn’t make more money to help out the family, I have come to an understanding and there are positives that would not be possible if he were in another job so I am ok with it for now! Not to say it won’t resurface again!

Since we tend to have a complete role reversal from the typical dual income family, I would not be at all surprised if men feel very much the same way. I had just never looked at it from that perspective or heard it! thank you for sharing!!