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I’ll just come out and say it:
Our daughter goes to sleep at 7pm and I really like having a few hours after she is asleep to do work, talk to my husband, or watch some silly TV. (OK, let’s be honest, mostly I spend the time working but the hour my husband and I spend together, eating dinner or catching up on a show is essential to my sanity.)
Don’t think that was selfish enough of a confession? I got more:
I worry that as our daughter gets older and goes to sleep later that this little time we do get to not be parents, but be us, adults, a couple, people, you name it, is going to shrink. And I worry about what that’s going to do to my already high stress level.
And yes, I feel guilty for thinking about this. I am a working mom and I work a lot. This means that I only see my daughter for a couple hours a day during the week. I should want her to go to sleep later so we can spend more time together. I friend recently said that she is happy that her son goes to sleep at 9pm because she gets to see him after work for a few hours. This really helped super-size my guilt.
I know that a work-life balance expert (who are those people, anyway?) would tell me to not be so hard on myself. And that it’s perfectly fine to want to have some time for myself outside of work and parenting. The rational me agrees and it’s advice I’ve given, to friends and here on Work It, Mom!.
But I still feel guilty. Sometimes the irrational perfection-seeking mom in me is just unstoppable.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 27th, 2008 at 5:29 pm and is filed under Balancing Act, Your life.
Tags: guilt, parenting, working mom
February 27th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
You are doing the right thing for your child. Kids need to go to sleep early. Keeping your daughter up late would not benefit her. I work too and my kids go to sleep early. Even as they’ve gotten to school age they need a lot of rest. Think of it as a bonus–healthy child getting the rest she needs and mom getting some down time!
February 27th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Let her sleep and maximize your time with her during the weekend. You also have to put things into prespective. What’s the use of working too much if you don’t get enough time to spend with the person you are working hard for? My wife and I struggle too with this issue and we do the best we can.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:37 am
Bless your heart. No need to feel guilty for what you’re feeling. Not in the least. It is important for couples to have alone time with one another. After all, without the “couple”, there is no family.
Yes, as she gets older, the 7pm bedtime will get pushed back to 7:30, then 8:00, then 8:30, and eventually, even 9 or so. This happens gradually though, over time. My husband and I get up a few minutes earlier in the morning to have coffee together in peace. We still have an hour after the kids go to bed, and then there is half hour when they are taking a bath, getting ready for bed, etc. No worries. As the kids get older, parents get more creative!
February 28th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Nataly, you just need to decide to do away with the guilt! Nothing you’re feeling is bad, but you’re making yourself FEEL like it is. Think about the role model you are providing your daughter. Sure, you want to make sure she has time to SEE that role model, but let sleeping kids lie. All too soon she’ll be a pre-teen and you’ll do what I did last night: I sat on the couch with my 11 year old, my laptop in front of me while watching American Idol with her. Things work out - just let it evolve and have confidence that you’re doing the best you can. That’s all anyone can ask!
February 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I agree with Sharon - kids NEED their sleep. Right now, dh and I work full time, ds goes to daycare every day from 8:30-5:30. It’s always a rushed evening, but he goes to bed at 7pm. We talk to other working parents who look at us in disbelief at this early bedtime, but in preschool, we get comments on how well behaved and easygoing he is. I like to think this is because he is well rested.
DH and I also cherish our quiet evenings to have dinner, talk and pursue personal interests. So DON’T feel guilty - you are not alone. And even as they grow and stay up later, they will be involved in their own interests more and be able to play independently. Then the teen years come when you can’t get them out of bed! So there will always be time for you, it will just shift a bit
February 28th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I agree with everyone here. Don’t feel guilty. I think as moms it is very easy for us to feel gultiy for just about everything. We want to do our best and the slightest bit of question in our minds, somehow leaves us feeling guilty.
When I was commuting, I still made sure my son went to bed at 7:00pm. They need their sleep to grow. It is very healthy for a child to sleep the recommended hrs.
It’s important you have your time with your husband and just time to unwind.
It’s possible your friend is filling her own guilt by saying liking that her child goes to bed later. Maybe not but we all have our set of guilt but don’t punish yourself.
I went to an event last night which was hosted by Rolemommy.com and they had a panel of entrepreneurial women on stage talking about the changes they made leaving corporate etc.. One woman, ex lawyer turned social worker, turned life coach said something so simple but to me and to most moms out there it’s not so simple. She said “you need to give yourself permission” to take time, etc..
FYI - WIM was mentioned as a site to go to for support and networking etc..
You are a great role model and no doubt, great mom.
February 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I’ll be honest, my 8 yr old step-daughter goes to bed at 9:30 (that’s when the lights are turned off). My husband always lets her stay up later on the weekends or non-school nights - usually 10 or 10:30. Most kids her age probably go bed earlier - especially on a school night - but we sleep until 7 or 7:30 on school days and later on non-school days so she’s still getting 9 to 10 hours each night.
Anyways, I hate the non-school nights particularly when it is a day off school but I still have to work the next day because if she stays up until 10:30 that means I only have an hour or so to do anything that I want/need to do before I go to bed.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Our kids also go to bed early (our 3.5 y.o. goes to sleep about 7:30 (it used to be 7 PM, but then things got more hectic and so dinner was about 6:45). Our third-grader goes to bed at 8PM, and he is one of only a handful of his peers who has an early bedtime.
I mentioned to my husband just last week that I was bummed that next year our son will probably want a later bedtime…but in the end, I think we’ll probably only push it back a bit. A babysitter/family friend told me she had an 8PM bedtime until her freshman year. She clarified she was allowed to do homework or read in bed, but by 8 o’clock, she was to be in her room. Special nights, of course, were exempted, but I thought this might be a good compromise for another year or two. Hubby and I get alone time, our son gets encouraged to read (no TV in his bedroom or video games on school nights), and he isn’t pressured to finish all his homework before 8 PM.
I think your confession is not something which you should feel guilty about in the slightest. But maybe that is because so many of us feel the same.
February 28th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Honestly, I think that many working moms feel that way. I know I do! Whenever one of my friends comment about how early my kids go to bed (7:30) I remind myself that they also get up early. And yes, my friends let their kids stay up late…but then the moms end up staying up incredibly late to get things done around the house. They can do it. I can’t - I have to get myself and everyone else up and out of the house early in the morning!
As far as the guilt, well, I can’t say much about that. It is a regular struggle for me!
February 28th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Remember Nataly that ‘work life balance’ is about balance for YOU as well as everyone and everything else. Sure it’s about having some kind of balance between work time and family time but what you’re talking about is ‘you’ time and you can’t do any of the rest of it without that.
Nothing to feel guilty about.
February 28th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
My kids also go to bed at 7pm. And my husband often works evenings, so I have 7-10 *all to myself* and *I love it*! Many nights, all I do is work on the computer for a bit and then veg in front of the TV. But it is the downtime for me and necessary to my sanity.
I too feel guilty when I realize I don’t spend much time with my kids during the week. But I banish that thought quickly because I’m doing the best I can.
I have a friend who uses the term “Secure the mask” to describe taking care of oneself first. You know, when you are on the airplane and the flight attendant says, “In case of loss of pressure, secure your oxygen mask before helping children or neighbors.”
If you don’t have oxygen, fat lot of good you’ll do anyone.
So putting my kids to bed at 7pm is my way of “securing the mask.”
February 28th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Isn’t this a perfect example of the “moms can’t win” dilemma? We work, we feel guilty. (Too little quality time with kids.) We don’t work, we feel guilty. (Not sharing the financial burden.) Etc. etc. I agree with the moms who say sleep is the best thing for your daughter at 7pm, not sitting up getting wired from overtiredness.
Anyway, there was one thing I really wanted to say, which is that moms who spend all day at home with their little ones - like me - have issues, too. Honestly, I often wish I could just give my daughter away temporarily. I would love some time alone to work without interruption, without being surrounded by toys and board books and crayons the dogs have chewed. So I feel very guilty about that, too. My point being: if you DID have more time to spend with your daughter, you might find yourself thinking these kinds of thoughts, too, after a few weeks alone with her all day! So, hope that helps!!
Oh, and one other contribution to this discussion: as your daughter grows, she will stay up later, but she’ll be more into doing her own thing, too. Probably… You know: homework, watching tv, talking on the phone to friends, etc. So you may eventually get the best of both worlds — it’ll just take a few years!
February 28th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I just went skiing with my mother and my uncle and my husband stayed home with my 3 kids. I was gone for 5 days. The lady who drives the shuttle from Park City to Salt Lake City asked me on my last day if I missed my kids and I told her “No.” I had the best time and I cannot wait to introduce them to skiing, so they can enjoy it as much as I do, if not more. I think the guilt thing lessens as you have more kids. I’m 38 and I expect to enjoy my kids for the next 60 years. How can I teach them to enjoy life if I cannot enjoy myself for 5 days in a beatiful place doing something I love with other people I love.
AmyE
Mother of 3
http://www.sofiabean.com
Love your attitude, AmyE — and so envious about your awesome trip!
-Nataly
February 29th, 2008 at 9:03 am
get over yourself and stop with the mommy-martyr nonesense. your kid went to bed at a decent hour. your kid is fed, housed, clothed, healthy with 2 healthy parents. why not try to think about things you all should be thankful for than finding ridiculous things to feel guilty over. your kid does not need you in her face 24/7. nor do you need to be in her face 24/7. this is NORMAL. get over yourself.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Isn’t it funny that we hear all the jokes out there about how moms can make everybody feel guilty? What you don’t hear is that we do it the most to OURSELVES! That’s why the first chapter of my book Mean Mom’s Club: the Mom’s Rule Book, is called “I’m going to be the perfect mom…yeah, right!” I bought out of the guilt long ago & was so much better balanced & enjoyed life so much more. My husband took a vacation every yr for just us when my son asked why they don’t get to go along, I said because moms & dads need time to themselves. I worked hard & got my master’s degree while raising the kids & started travelling when they were half grown. I think all of that taught them independence & allowed me to have a life outside of being mom. There probably were times when I “should’ve been there” but they did just fine & I was a better mom for having that balance in my life. So who cares who those “experts” are. You are who you are & that’ll be enough. Someone interviewed me once about being a working mom. She asked if I would be a stay home mom if I had the choice & when I answered no, I love my career, she looked stunned. Oh well.