       |
-a1677f67c9e0342b5dd4dd69762a0c43.jpg)
Many times when I mention to someone my guilt about not spending enough time with my daughter they say to focus on the quality of time I spend with her vs. quantity. I always nod not just to be polite but because I believe that quality does matter and kids don’t sit there with clocks keeping track of how many hours a day we spend with them.
I also think back to my childhood, when my mom worked nights and we’d see each other for just a few minutes at night during the work week. What I remember is my excitement of jumping around and recounting my day to her (as she tried to grab something to eat and take off her heels), the way her face was glowing when she listened to me, the sweetness of her kiss when she and my dad tucked me in. I also remember the weekends which the three of us would usually spend together and I cringe with guilt thinking back to becoming a teenager and telling my parents that I don’t want to hang out with them so much any more. My mom worked and worked a lot, but I never felt a lack of closeness between us from that.
But what I’ve learned is that quality of time with my daughter does not just appear — I have to put in the effort to make our limited time together great and focused on being together. Some things have been easy — no phone, no computer, no Blackberry when I am with her (except for when she is home sick and I have to get work done). Some things have been more difficult — not letting my mind wonder to the long to-do list or the chores I have to get done or what in the world am I going to make for dinner. I am getting better at this and I’ve made it a priority to try and be there, in the moment, when we’re together.
I’ve also changed my idea of what quality time means: I used to envision it as a long stretch of time but I now see any time we are in the same place as a chance to really interact in a quality way. Most days I drive my daughter to and from school, so in the car I annoy her to death asking questions about school or trying to sing together (depending on the day, she takes part). I ask her to help me cook, which makes the process longer and messier, but turns a chore it into time we actually spend together having fun. We try to play a board game or do some arts and crafts every day after dinner (that is, if we’re not dancing around our living room), which has made each night feel special in some way.
Once I became focused on this idea of finding small pockets of minutes here and there that I could turn into quality of time with my daughter, I’ve found that I feel guilty less often and we’ve gotten some fun little routines now that I love. (I still have a hard time taking time for myself away on weekends, but I’m working on it.)
Have you found creative ways to have more quality time with your kids? Do you believe in the idea of quality over quantity? Sound off in the comments!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 3:20 pm and is filed under Balancing Act, Working Women Issues, Your life.
Tags: guilt, kids, quality time, working mom
March 26th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I struggle with this as well. I make the effort in the morning to sit and have breakfast with DS each day. I resist the urge to run around and get things done while he is finishing his meal, and instead sit and chat with him about what might happen that day. Often he’ll start a word game - name opposites, or rhyming words, or words that start with the Letter of the Week. Also, on the way to daycare, sometimes we listen to music, but most days we talk about whatever comes up. He’s only 4, but I hope that he will always open up to me and talk as freely! After dinners, we try to play a game or color - NO tv or computer time during the week at our house. It makes a difference, and we find that when we do invest in the quality time, he is more content to play by himself for bits of time on the weekend.
March 26th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one struggling with this. I’m really trying to make quality the focus of the time I spend with my kids, too.
March 27th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I believe that what kids really want is to ‘be heard’ and to ‘feel included.’ I’ve always had a business, since my kids were infants, so I’ve been on the GO, literally for over 14 years. But, it’s always been a top priority to stay ‘in touch’ and tuned-in’ to my kids. And, now, as I have two, young teens, I’m SO glad I’ve done this! It’s allowed us to have an open-line of communication, and I THINK I’m on top of what’s gonig on with them!
Just last night, my 14-year old daughter came into the family room, plopped down in the big recliner that swallows her tiny frame, and started chattering about several of her close friends at school. By just listening, I now know that there’s a ‘weight-thing’ that is becoming obsessive with these girls…….my daughter has always been petite, and on the lighter side, and a couple of her friends are trying to encourage her to gain weight, telling her she’s too thin. (I immediataely perked up, concerned about all the body-image things going on, especially with young teens.) Thankfully, though, my daughter seems to have a good self-image and she’s okay with being how God’s made her…….I WILL, however, be staying on top of this, because I know all too well the peer pressures that are out there. I am certain, though, that if she and I had not had such an open line of communication, that she may not have shared this with me.
Now, many moms may not have considered out chat to be ‘quality time,’ but I certainly DO!
March 27th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I agree that the quality of the time is critical. ALL relationships take effort–and sometimes I think we forget that this is true about our children. Mary clearly understands that and it’s obviously paying off with her teenagers–I hope I will do as well as she! Like Nataly, I find “car time” to be great–we’re there together, talking and singing, sharing our ideas about the upcoming day. We also share meals; we sit down together, as a family, virtually every night. One thing we’ve done to build in a “quality time ritual” is to schedule “movie night” every Friday. That means an old table cloth piled on the family room table (Elizabeth was barely four when we began this; the second week, she excitedly pulled that ratty tablecloth out–it had already become a ritual). Dinner is pizza or sushi or some other “finger food,” with some finger veggies. It’s a ritual we all look forward to!
Best,
Jeanne
March 27th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Squeeze it, Nataly, wherever you can get it. It’s reading things like this that remind me to do the same. And remind me to listen to my gals. For us, those are the key moments. I’ll be squeezing over here, too!!