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One of the most common and I think, quite good, pieces of advice I’ve heard about being a working mom is to look at my life in terms of phases or chapters. We all know that it’s almost impossible to “balance” work, family, and personal time/interests at the same time — there just isn’t enough time in each day and not enough mental and physical energy to give each the same level of attention. But if we look at life as a series of chapters — with some more focused on career, some more focused on kids and family, some on ourselves — perhaps the trade-offs we make all the time can be a bit less conflicting.
Like I said, I like this advice. Many times when I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my daughter because of work, I use it to make myself feel less horrible. “This phase of my life is work-heavy,” I think, “but it won’t be like this forever.”
But I’ll be honest with you — I only half buy this argument. The thing is, I love my daughter to pieces and I love spending time with her. Not only that, but I think it’s important for me and for her to spend time together, for her to know that I am there for her and not have to feel bad about coming into my office to ask me to play with her. Time is flying so quickly and she is changing so much that I can’t imagine just labeling this chapter of my life as more work-focused — I’ll miss too much and so will she.
In other words, the chapters or phases of my life are overlapping.
This is the time for me to build my career, to work my butt off to grow this company, to learn, to gain skills, to gain experience. The industry about which I am passionate — digital media/social media — is in its early stages now and I don’t want to miss being part of its evolution. I love what I do.
At the same time, my daughter needs me now more than she did when she was an infant (I was always very comfortable leaving her with a caring nanny who could feed her and put her to sleep even better than I or my husband). And from everything I hear from other moms, she will need me even more as she gets older and starts school.
So I’m facing a conundrum — I need and want to focus on my career so that I can be where I want to be now and later and I need and want to focus on my daughter and family. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I am running myself dry total lack of sleep, no time for me, no time to catch my breath.
I guess that’s it, right there — the big balance/juggle/fit thing all of us working moms are trying to figure out. And since I don’t have any brilliant ideas, I thought I’d ask you for yours.
How do you deal with competing priorities in your life? Do you follow the life is a series of phases idea? Have you found ways to integrate your work and family life in a way that doesn’t run you totally dry? Have you chosen to compromise on one aspect of your life that you plan to focus on more later?
This entry was posted on Saturday, April 19th, 2008 at 12:41 pm and is filed under Balancing Act, Working Women Issues, Your life.
Tags: career, Parenting & Family, stress, time, work-life balance, working full-time, working moms
April 20th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I do think we have life phases, but I also think we create them to a certain extent. For me, my kids are still little and they need lots of supervision. I could hire a nanny for them, but I want them to have me and my husband there, so I work in the kitchen (though I will have an office at some point) where I can watch them and they can come to me.
While this is a work intensive phase, that doesn´t mean you have to choose between working 24-7 and spending only time with your daughter. You might want to schedule bits of time (15-30 min) throughout the day to hang out with her.
Another idea I´ve heard some moms use with success is a kitchen timer. You set it for 15 min. increments and work for 15 min. then do something else for 15 min. If the kids bug you in your work time, you tell them to wait until the timer dings. It makes you take the time to do other things and it also lets kids know that you will be available in a set amount of time.
And an interesting link on sleep and health that I just found: http://healthybodynyc.com/2008/03/16/get-your-sleep-or-you-will-be-fat-sick/#comment-246
April 20th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I’m with you, Nataly. As the primary caregiver to my girls, I don’t get nearly enough work time and am chomping at the bit to be able to do more and take on more. It’s been gradual and wonderful and I wouldn’t trade these hours of play with my children BUT…it’s all overlapping for me, too. And I think it always will. Which kinda makes me happy.
April 20th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I personally simply don’t buy the chapters deal. Unless you are talking about a single day. I’ve got my kid chapter in the morning. After they are at school I have my work chapter. During lunch, I meet hubby and have my spouse chapter. Then after work I have my kid chapter again.
This has actually always worked pretty well - work would sometimes creep into the night for a work dinner or something. But, also kids would creep into work with sickness or a fieldtrip. So, for the past 9 years I’ve had kids, all in all it was “balanced.”
However, it’s been so successful that I have slowly (oh so slowly) climbed the ladder at work. Now - with my kids being 7 and 9 - work is very very much wanting to be the sole center of my world. With LOTS of travel, and and working long and late and early hours. The funny thing is - at this time because of softball, soccer, baseball, baton and taekwondo my kids ALSO want to be the sole center of my world.
I know now, that after 9 years of doing this - I don’t want a mostly-work chapter. Being at the top of the ladder just isn’t as important TO ME as it once was. I would rather have the kids sports. And it’s funny - I have such guilt if a miss a game. And on the flip side - I have such guilt if I have to leave work early for a game.
There is no “right” answer. A good friend of mine has kids the same age and has also moved up the corporate ladder, and she is choosing the work route right now. She has to travel all the time. She will likely keep moving up and doing awesome. This works for them and it’s their choice.
That simply wouldn’t work for us. I’m pretty sure I’m going to leave my job and do some consulting part time in about 6 months. It’s just what would work best for us and our kids temperments.
I have come to realize that balance isn’t a one size fits all proposal.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:06 am
Nataly - I don’t think there is a mother alive who doesn’t feel what you’re describing. Boxing your life off into phases is nearly impossible. As a single parent of 3, guilt has become something I basically expect to feel on a daily basis! How euphoric it would be to end a day and feel guiltless!
In all seriousness though, my balancing act consists of planning as much as possible, but going with the flow as changes occur. You might plan to work all afternoon, but when your daughter says “Mommy, I need you” — work comes to a screeching halt until you feel like your child and you have communicated and he/she is ok.
When my kids and I get home in the evening, they are in the kitchen with me going over their day, reviewing school stuff, while I’m preparing dinner, etc. When they were smaller, my children spent a lot of time “working with me”, either sitting on my lap while I worked on the computer, or drawing, writing, etc. in a chair next to me. We were together, which is what they wanted — my cubemate just happened to be ALOT younger and a little needier than most! LOL
Time with your children is absolutely priceless. Having some guilt now and then is one thing, but regret in later years is one feeling I hope to never experience.
You are teaching wonderful life lessons of ambition, empowerment, etc. You sound like a very loving, attentive mom and I’m sure your daughter feels that every day!
April 21st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I have that struggle too. I work FT as a parent educator serving at-risk families in my community. It’s a very high stress job, but, the hours are very flexible, which means I can be there for my kids more than most working moms, but, my hours are very flexible, which also means that I have to work at times that are inconvenient for the rest of the family. I am also attending college, which puts its own spin on life. And I have three kids, 13yo son, 4 & 6yo daughters, and a 12yo step-son that need me.
There is no easy answer, but the single thing that has helped me the most in the past, and something that I am working on doing again, is having a system that automates as much as possible. No, I don’t mean automate like building your own version of the Jetsons’ Rosie. *grin* I mean organizing your space, time, and stuff so that things make the most *sense* and breaking big jobs into little everyday habits. I learned it all from Flylady.net, and as corny as it all can get over there, the system really works. I was 6 months pregnant, working ft, raising two children, and going through a separation, and thanks to Flylady, it was th most peaceful time in my life. Okay, the Zoloft probably helped, too, but the Zoloft didn’t make me get everyone ready and delivered on time or cook a good meal every night, alright?
I just sat down and figured out my current habits/schedule, and by thinking it all through, I made changes like, keeping the kids’ clothes in my room, since that was where I dressed them every morning, and keeping the PopTarts or breakfast bars in the car, since we always ate on the way to school/work anyway. I used my crockpot almost every single day. I got rid of everything that I didn’t need, or love-less to manage and less to complicate things. The whole family did a five minute tidy before bed, and I made a commitment to myself to never leave myself dirty dishes to face first thing in the morning. I was happy, my house was clean, my kids were fed, and we all had more time to just be together. It was great.
Today, things are different, but I can still find that peace if I go through the process again. My routine is different, my environment is different, and the circumstances are different. But the simplicity of putting things in order remains the same. Finding the time to begin, well…..the first step is always the hardest, right?!