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This past weekend my daughter went to a birthday party where the activity was to make a mask out of clay. My daughter is almost four, while the party was for a bunch of seven year-olds (we’re friends with the family so she was invited), and she couldn’t do this on her own, so I had to help out. (It turned out that many of the seven year-olds also couldn’t soften the clay/shape it/cut it/attached parts to it on their own, but that’s not the point.)
After I helped my daughter get her huge chunk of clay into a mask that did actually look like a cat, it was time to paint it. My daughter jumped to it and as you can imagine, the colors were all over the place, the red from the mouth was running into the face, the brown from the nose was running into the mouth, and when she took a huge brush of yellow (to do the eyes, mommy!) it splattered all over the blue background color.
As I was watching her do this, I was having an internal debate. I can summarize it like this:
“Let her make a mess of it, it’s her art project!”
“Helping her make the mask neater will make her happier later when it looks good!”
Finally I picked up a few brushes and cleaned up the edges, making the colors neater, and filling in the parts that my daughter had missed. I felt bad for being the kind of mom who feels compelled to do this — my entire life I’ve wanted to be more laid back but it’s just not in my genes — but she did seem happy with the outcome. As we were about to pick up the mask and bring it to the drying area I heard another mom, at the next table, tell her daughter that she was going to help her color her mask so it looks better.
Knowing that I wasn’t the only perfectionist in the room made me feel better, but not for long. As we rode home, with mask in tow, I felt really guilty. Was I stifling my daughter’s creativity because I helped her make her art project neater?
I’ll confess, this wasn’t the first time I did something like this. When my daughter and I make birthday cards for family members, I often help her so that they look nice. A friend recently mentioned that she does this and we had half-hour confession session about letting our perfectionism and neatness seep into our kids’ lives.
I feel slightly guilty every time I do something like helping my daughter make sure the colors on her clay mask don’t run together, but there is a part of me that likes teaching her how to make something look really nice beautiful. So I can’t decide:
Is this a mom-behavior I need to put an end to or can I cut myself some slack and just be who I am?
(Oh, and if you want to confess something similar that you do, feel free!)
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008 at 8:28 am and is filed under Family.
Tags: creativity, guilt, helping kids
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:47 am
I had the same struggle when my daughter was young. And to this day, it still drives me bonkers when I open the door to her bedroom and see clothes 3 feet thick on her floor, dishes and God knows what else in her room. It’s all I can do to NOT go in and clean up - I figure she’s the one who has to LIVE in this mess. I know that, hygentically, it’s NOT good, but as my BFF has repeatedly told me, it WILL get better and this WILL pass.
I think we all want our children to do well, to look good, and to be what we think they should be. However, as my BFF told me, at some point, THEY, not us, determine otherwise.
My daughter inheirated her paternal grandmother’s artistic side and qualities. Therefore, there’s a LOT of chaos that somehow manages to arrange itself into beauty. We’ve been thru the punk phase, the black clothes phase, the Britney Spears hooker phase, and lo and behold - I was informed that she wanted a REAL FLOWY gown for prom this year (course she’ll have to hide the nose ring that she just got, but that’s another story).
The point here is, as hard as it’s been, you’ve got to let them be them. And if it’s any consolation, my hubby used to go ballastic when she was small and had just started feeding herself. He wouldn’t let her do it cause he didn’t want the food going everywhere. My contention was, how’s she going to learn if you don’t let her do it. So what if it goes everywhere? That’s what paper towels and wet wipes are for. Besides, if she got it her hair, you take her upstairs and stick her in the bath and hose her off.
My biggest thing right now is learning to let go so that she can learn to drive. She wants SO much freedom but I keep telling her a car can be replaced, but she can’t. I know I have to start cutting the apron strings - she’s going to college in another 18 months or so after all - but it’s hard. It’s REALLY hard. And I never realized how hard until now.
All I can say is to take a look at WHY you’re doing it for her. Is it for her…or for YOU. And believe me, there’ll be a day in the not to distant future when she’ll look and tell you very emphatically, “No, I want to do this MYSELF.” And then you’ll have to see it as hers, regardless what whatever way she wants to do it, and regardless of how you want to see it. And you’ll have to accept it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:04 am
I know exactly what you mean. I was a teacher for years and am a mum of two very creative children - one of whom is also a perfectionist and one who certainly is not. Both are artistic. I used to “tidy” things up a bit both at home as a Mum ( I’m a granny now by the way) and as a teacher. I used to do it on the quiet when the paint had dried and the children weren’t there but only important changes which would make them feel better about the finish product and they thought they must have done it themselves!
But don’t be afraid to let them make a mess - they can “help” clean it up afterwards which is good training!
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:29 am
We struggle with this at my house too. And recently we have relented a LOT. My daughter is 8 so it’s harder to do things our way without her really understanding that’s what you’re doing. Plus, letting them do it their own way helps them learn.
We used to go to this place at the mall to paint pottery pieces. For a while we were going at least once a week. My daughter (about 5 or 6 at the time) would use as many colors as possible and just mix them all around and then paint over colors with another color. Then about a week later she’d look at it and say, “This isn’t very pretty.” And then we’d discuss what she could do next time so that she was happier with the outcome. Eventually we also limited her to about 5 colors so that she could still be creative, but we wouldn’t be wasting paint.
If we had always forced out ways on her, she wouldn’t have learned that. She just would’ve thought everything she did was beautiful. And there comes a point when a child needs to realize that.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
My mom did this to me the entire time I was growing up and while we have a good relationship, I still, at 38, prefer not to show her things I’ve ‘accomplished’. When I do something creative, hand-made or that’s a stretch in which I feel a sense of pride, I can almost ALWAYS look at it and think what flaw my mom would probably notice.
So my vote is to let her do it. Maybe she wants help — why not communicate your availability instead of taking over and ‘fixing’ things?
I’m proud of the fact that right at this very moment, the fitted sheet on my daughter’s new big-big (twin, not toddler
) bed is on inside out. Because she put it on all by herself and she was so proud when she showed me and no way was I going to take the wind out of her sails by re-doing it ‘right’.
AND my mom, who is babysitting today, is under strict instructions to leave it be.
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Because I have a HIGHLY opinionated and independent 3-year old, here’s what I do:
I ask her if she wants help.
If she wants help, then I’ll write words, make things straight, clean up the messy parts.
But if not, then it’s 100% Grace. She has every right to deny help - especially for a fun art project!
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Jen,
My mother was the same way - almost a neat freak. She was the epitome of “you can eat off the kitchen floor.” I’m not anywhere near that. I’ve got 2 dogs and 3 cats that come in and out, ergo I have enough dustbunnies to make an entire animal with. We’ve been in our house for 4 years now and not everything’s put up. When my mom was alive and I knew they were coming for a visit, I would clean house at break neck speed because there’s a difference in my clean and “mother clean.” I never felt like I could live up to her standards. I guess that’s why (tho I bitch about it) I allow the biohazard room exist.
The ironic thing with daughter and the room is this: She spent 3 1/2 years in the Navy League Sea Cadets and stated that when she makes her bed at band camps, she wants them to be “military made.” She can do it and perfers it. At least she learned something, tho she’d NEVER admit it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Oh man. I can so relate, although in a slightly different way. In my case, I stifle my daughter’s creativity not because I want to improve/neaten her work but because I can’t stand messy kids’ crafts. I mean: ARGH. I just hate messy paints etc, even washable ones. Yes, I need to become less uptight. I know it. I am working on it.
In any case, I have two recent examples to share that will show you what I mean. Example 1: A mom in my local moms group held a onesie tie-dyeing party a couple weeks ago. Lots of friends went. There was food and drink. Great concept. But I chickened out ’cause I couldn’t face the thought of kids and dyes together. Example 2: Last week it was my turn to volunteer at the moms morning out program Meegan attends each Tuesday. The craft that day was finger painting. It was washable paint. But I just let her miss her turn with the paints. Hey, she’s only 18 mths and she didn’t realize she’d been short-changed, but still…I felt guilty that she didn’t get the chance to make some mess. I know, I know, I will have to loosen up when she is older!
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
1. Going to buy a really big chill pill:)
2. So glad to hear I am not the only one
3. Thank you for the honesty!
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Diane,
Take it from someone who has been there and done that, you seriously need to let that child run in the mud and simply hose her down afterward. IMHO, your neatfreakness is gonna come back to bite you when she gets older. Add to the fact, you’re gonna run the risk, if you haven’t done so already, of getting a MAJOR reputation among the other moms AND then the kids later on.
The one thing I’ve learned is that there things that are WAY more important in life to worry about than if the kid gets dirty.
That’s why the good Lord made showers and washing machines. LOL
April 24th, 2008 at 6:18 am
Jan said it best.