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I was at a restaurant for lunch yesterday and there were two women sitting at a table next to ours. While I was waiting for my lunch date to arrive I overheard them talking. I can’t make this stuff up:
Woman #1: “Did you hear that Jill got a new job?”
Woman #2: ” Yes, I ran into her husband at the school and he told me. It sounds amazing actually, but it’s full-time.”
Woman #1: “I know! She told me last time I saw her. It’s pretty intense and probably involves some travel. I just don’t get how she is going to pull it off and still find time for her kids. I don’t mean to judge, but I don’t think I could be a great mom if I worked full-time.”
Well then, lady, I am a bad mom then because I work full-time and then some. And so do more than 70% of the 30 million working moms in the US. We’re all ruining our kids’ lives, I am sure.
If you can’t tell, stuff like this ticks me off. I know it’s this woman’s opinion and she is free to share it in private with her friend but this isn’t the first time I hear something like this. A while ago I was interviewing a blogger who told me that the only women she really can’t relate to are moms who work full time and are invested in their career, because you know, moms should be moms first.
Besides that fact that we — and by “we” I mean, we, women — should take a little break from endless mutual judging, hearing things like this infuriates me because it assumes that we have endless choices when it comes to work. While many working moms want to work part-time, many jobs just can’t be done part-time, don’t provide good benefits, or enough income.
Yes, working full-time and being a mom is tough, I’m the first to admit. Some days I am really struggling and the guilt is ever-persistent. And having a few more hours off from work would be helpful and I am sure my daughter would love the extra time we could spend together. But you now what? This makes me a busy mom, not a bad mom and there is a big difference between the two.
Full-time working moms, do you ever feel judged by others? Do you care or just wave it off?
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 24th, 2008 at 11:27 am and is filed under Work, Working Mom Issues.
Tags: working full-time, working mothers, working part-time
April 24th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
If you change Jill to Bob, and mom to dad, you see how silly this conversation was.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Any sentence that begins with “I don’t mean to judge, but …” is probably going to end with judging. I’m just sayin’.
I’m cringing, though, because I can see myself expressing this sort of sentiment.
A better way to phrase it (better because it’s not so judgmental and better because it’s more accurate) would be to say that I wouldn’t want to TRY to be a good mom while negotiating a high-intensity full-time job. And that I think I am a better mom with a part-time job than I would be if I had a full-time job.
To be fair, the one I hear that really irks me is when I hear stay-at-home-full-time moms say that they’d be a SO MUCH BETTER mom if they worked. Maybe, but that sure as heck implies that it’s easier to be a mother if you’re working outside the home. Which, I think not so much.
It’s a hard job (parenting) no matter how you slice it. It makes me sad that we can’t seem to reconcile that fact with the different choices people make and, you know, MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Sheryl, before I had children, I believed exactly what you said–men aren’t judged for working full time and being dads! Why should women?!
I have 20 month old twins, and work full time in a very male-dominated field, with frequent and extended travel.
I’ve decided that it *is* different for moms than for dads. I am open to the notion that this may change as my children get older. My kids want me to comfort them first before they reach for dad. They really respond to each of us differently! No one was more surprised about this than me–my husband spends many days with the kids and does just as much diaper-changing than I do. In fact he feeds them meals more often than I do!
But they still have a special connection with me, for which I am grateful. Of course it adds to my conflict when I have to leave for work and for travel, but this is just the way it is…
Parenting is hard, no matter how you slice it.
I’m grateful to be able to make the choices I have.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
i think i would have had to turn to her and say “oh! you must be a GREAT mom them! Tell me, what exactly makes up a ‘great’ mom?” because, i just have a hard time believeing that the only way someone can be a ‘great’ mom is to be home and not working.
there are many many many ways of being a great mom! There are just too many variables to apply just one formula….
ticks me off too! if you didnt notice… ha!
April 24th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Just because I don’t feel like I could be a “good mom” if I worked full time outside of the home (between my outside job & my writing, I do work full time, just not out of the house) does not mean that other moms can’t.
It’s not in my personality at this point in my life to be able to step away from the demands at work, which would mean long hours and not seeing my son as much. So because I know my limitations, I choose to work part-time for the benefits and the rest of the time at home. But it’s different for every woman and there is NO WAY I can judge them for making different decisions.
As it is, even when I’m working from home I feel guilty for not giving my son as much attention as I feel I should. But that’s just me. My choices. Not anyone else’s.
I wish we’d all understand that more. Nataly, I’m sure you’re doing a fine job. Some women are better moms working outside the home, some aren’t. And some don’t really have a choice. I think we all do the best we can with what we’re given.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Nataly - will you be my best friend?? I always, always agree with you! This is my biggest pet peeve of all time with moms - the telling me, or insinuating, that I am lacking as a mom because I work.
My child rocks. I rock as a mom. And his daycare rocks. Our family rocks. The dynamic we have is exaclty what our dynamic should be - it fits all of us, and it’s the right thing for our family.
I have a bulletin board here at work, and I like to post little things on it that make me smile - for awhile, for some reason, I got a kick out of printing and tacking up some of those holier-than-thou SAHM statements from message boards that say things like, “Why on earth did you have children if you’re going to let someone else raise them?” Ah, I love those! The ignorance! The naivety! I love it! They make me laugh.
But then I think - how terribly sad for her daughter - to be raised with no options other than making a name for herself, or birthin’ some babes. God forbid the daughter have aspirations and dreams!!
April 24th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Nataly,
I frequently encountered the attitude you’ve described with more than a few of the SAHMs when my daughter attended a local parish school. At one point, these moms organized a “Mothers’ Tea” for the mothers of all the kids in my daughter’s grade. Several of us could not attend because it was held during work hours. When I was asked if I would be attending and I told them (graciously) no, but thank you, I was asked why. I told them that unfortunately it was during work hours. Well…you should have seen the distain on these two women’s faces. “Oh! We’re sorry,” they said, as if they felt sorry for me.
I swear, I almost wanted to turn and lay them out. I ran into another mom on the way to the car and turns out, she also works and got the same attitude.
Our mothers, and some of us, have fought hard for the ability to choose. Unfortunately, there are little snots out there who give SAHMs a bad name when they act like this. I am NOT a bad mom because I work outside the home. I would have, however, been a bad mom IF I had stayed at home. I don’t have the patience or inclination for it…or for those who have such attitudes as those you described.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I’m not sure how Woman #1 saying:’ “I know! She told me last time I saw her. It’s pretty intense and probably involves some travel. I just don’t get how she is going to pull it off and still find time for her kids. I don’t mean to judge, but I don’t think I could be a great mom if I worked full-time.” ‘ makes another mom who does work full time a bad mom!
Over the past 19 years, I’ve been a SAHM, a part time working mom and (for the past 8 years) a work at home mom. It seems no matter what I’ve been doing, there are always those who say “I couldn’t do that” as well as those who say “Good for you, I’m glad you’re doing what works for your family.”
I think the bottom line is we all, as mother’s, need to focus on what works for our family and not let someone else’s comments turn us into women who second guess our decisions or be placed in a position of defending them.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I falways find it amazing how most SAHM seem to spend most of their time cleaning, doing laundry, watching soaps, chatting on the phone etc paying little attention to what their children are doing while being parked in front of a TV babysitter yet they are convinced that they are “better” moms. Meanwhile my 2 children who went to a quality daycare, were busy doing art, learning to get along and play by the rules, playing group games, learning to read and do early math and had fun every day are deemed to be brought up by a “bad mom” simply because she works. I can always tell who the SAHM children are when we are out-they are the ones who are uncivilized and screaming their heads off and causing a rumpus.
April 24th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Ahem. Just because you are a good mom and work outside the home doesn’t mean I’m sitting at home - excuse me? - watching soaps.
People say all the time that they don’t think they could do what I do (SAHM and homeschooler). I could wind myself up about what they mean, or I could just accept it. You know what? I couldn’t do what most of you do. That’s why I chose this life for myself. It’s what works for me. It’s not an indictment of your choices.
I just will never understand why this issue turns women against each other.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:35 am
Just the ramblings of a career woman then and a stay at home mom now…
As a woman, neither my home life nor work defines me. It is a combination of both that brings me substance. It always has been! Pre-babies, I was a workaholic. but I’ve learned to acknowledge that my husband and kids come first, so I have slowed down at working. Yet I continue to strive to keep my career that I have worked so hard for.
With my ever excellent organizational skills, I somehow manage to master my househould. But I came to this point of my life, where I felt like I am rushing all the time — rushing to finish my paperworks so I can go home and take care of the kids so the hubby can have a shut-eye before his shift… rushing to put the kids to bed so I can clean the mess they’ve made so I can sleep and be ready for work the next day…
Sooo, I began to question myself. Am I being selfish by not wanting to just stay at home like other moms? Am I being stubborn by fitting my career to my busy family life? Is there such a thing as being able to juggle both? How do you achieve balance? How do you have the best of both worlds?
My husband and I were doing a great job juggling our careers and caring for our kids. That was until my husband’s work required him to travel last year. Since we didn’t send our kids to daycare or have a babysitter (I work long hours on my husband’s days off), I gave my two weeks notice. I have always been the primary caregiver to my kids, even when I was working 40-60 hours a week, and there wasn’t a single fiber in my being that compelled me to question myself if I was a good mom, I know I was a good mom!!!
Then I quit my job and was with them 24/7, this was the most domesticated I’ve ever been. The quality of our home life had changed from rushed and okay to a balanced routine. My kids were happier. My husband was happier. I was happier. Then my desire to rejoin the work force became nonesixtent.
I still see my co-workers, we have coffee and lunches every now and then. Their stories bring back memories of the nursing profession I so dearly hold close in my heart. But none entice me to give up what I do now. I sometimes miss our office hustle. I always think I could be doing a great job if I am there. But I never regret a day spent with my kids.
Never have I looked down on moms that opted to be stay-at-home, but I have always thought they were missing out on the rewards of what a career brings to a woman. Until I experienced it, then I realized it, motherhood is a career, a devotion on its own. And if a mommy could afford to stay at home with the kids, then by all means, she should savor it.
If a mother works, by choice or necessity, she is not a bad mother. Having been there and done that, I have high regards to those who are able to keep up with the tiring demands of working while being a mom.
It all bottoms down to what works for the family… working then worked for us, staying at home works for us now. We, and when I say we, we — women and moms should stop the comparison — of career woman and stay at home moms, it pales to what is really important, our kids!
As for me, my kids are only young for a while, I can give up my j-o-b for now, after all, I am confident that my career will still be there… long after my kids are grown, and I’m on my own again.
– angel, mommy of 2 toddlers, and i call it not “uncivilized” but “energetic and eager to explore the world”
April 25th, 2008 at 10:46 am
To be honest, I don’t really care if others think I’m a good mom or not! I KNOW I am. I work 50+ hours a week and that includes a couple of nights and every other weekend. Is it frustrating not to be there for everything that is going on? Sure, but Daddy does a darn good job of picking up where I left off. My kids love me and I adore them! The only time I get a twinge of guilt is when I’m working late and my oldests has had a rough day, she’ll call to talk to me and end up crying ’cause she misses me. To be honest I think all moms, SAH or working have that guilt button that their kids are masters at pushing!
The coolest thing of all is that my girls are seeing that a man can cook, change diapers, and be there for them always. And that it’s okay to challenge traditional roles as long as it works for your whole family!
April 25th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I have struggled with this for nearly two years now. ALL my girlfriends who have children made the decision to leave their careers to stay home and a few passed judgement when I didn’t make the same decision.
My husband and I really struggled with the decision. We both saw the tremendous value of staying at home to raise children, but we also knew there was value in both parents providing for the family.
Since then I have found some working mommy friends who are able to balance mothering and careers (though not always gracefully; sometimes we arrive at meetings wearing white stuff on our shoulders) and have really leaned on them. And it has helped me deal with the judgement.
One working mommy is an HR professional and she sees mothers returning to the workplace after a 3-5 year absence that have out-of-date skills and have difficulty finding jobs. I remind myself that I am doing what is best for my family over the long term. And right now that means my career allows us the extra dollars to stick in our child’s college fund. It also means I am contributing to my 401k. It means that I am keeping my skills fresh and working towards advancing in my field. It’s showing my child that his mother is a confidant woman capable of managing both the home (with help from her husband) and a career.
And when my SAH friends make the occasional comment like, “I don’t know how you manage (which is usually said in a tone that suggests that don’t think I am managing it all that well)” I quickly answer, “Honey, I don’t know how you do it! Cause I get 8 hours a day, 5 days a week where I have the freedom to use the bathroom without a toddler clinging to my leg or pulling toliet paper from the roll.” That comment alone usually stops the other “well meaning” comments.
April 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I understand the working mother’s perspective; I have a 4 month old daughter and currently work 40+ hours a week. I own my decision, but I question it every day, because I want the best for her, and I know there are no do-overs.
It is because I understand how hard this can be that I wouldn’t be offended to overhear that conversation. I hope that right now I am a great mom and working full time, but I’m not always confident.
Some women use the logic that they are better mothers when fulfilled by a career than as unfulfilled SAHMs; would it be offensive if they stated, “I don’t think I could be a great mom if I stayed home full-time”?
Or, to further the logic of swapping the gender roles from mom to dad, what about ANY concern for work-life balance:
I don’t think I could be a great [volunteer firefighter] if I [danced with a professional ballet company] full-time.
Moms on both sides of the issue need to stop wasting energy judging AND feeling judged. If, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” then maybe our reactions to such overheard conversations are most revealing of our own self-doubts.
Some women are fulfilled and best suited to staying home; others to working outside the home. There are a vast variety of socio-enviro-political factors that weight into this very individual equation. It is not easy for most of us, no matter the approach, and we all hav the right to our own decision.
Think how much we might get done if we spent 10% of the time debating each other on some related pursuit, like campaigning for longer, better-paid maternity leaves.
I am disappointed to find strife when I search for resources to support me in being the best mother and worker and person that I can be.
April 25th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
I´m a full time working mom, at home. I think it presents its own set of challenges that aren´t really looked at in the Mommy wars. Not only does a work at home mom have to put in a full day´s work, she´s doing it while watching kids and making meals, stopping fights and calming tantrums! I think everyone needs to make the decision work for them. Some moms aren´t fulfilled being at home and just looking after kids, while others are perfectly happy in that role. I personally find that I need to work, but I can do this from home so I don´t feel that I´m missing out on too much.
April 26th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
There can be a major disconnect between SAHM and full time working mothers. Of 8 mothers of children under 3 on our street, there are only two of us who work. I find that by continuing to work, I am less likely to get caught up in the neighborhood gossip (whose dog pooped on whose lawn) and happier than I would be if I stayed home.
Most importantly, my son is doing great. He is well cared for, extremely verbal, empathetic and can cope with a wide variety of people and situations. He is friendly and happy. My management skills which I have honed over my career help me to be a very good mother and run my household very well.
Thirteen years from now, these SAHM may need to have a difficult discussion with their children on why they can’t attend the college of their dreams or letting their children know how much debt they will graduate college with. My choice to work now will save me from that conversation, and give my son the absolute best start to his adult life that I can give.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:57 pm
I would be an absolutely terribly mom if I worked full time and/ or outside of the home.
I know because I tried it.
I love my job. LOVE my job. And I get easily caught up in travel and over committment. I can’t just do it half heartedly, and it is all too easy to forget those precious faces at home when my adrenaline gets pumping and my heart starts racing about some new book to write, some new client to train, some new class to teach or mountain to climb.
I had to wrestle myself down after the birth of our son and committ to a lesser agenda of writing at home… and get more creative. We’ve recently begun webcast training which I can do from my home office, which is WONDERFUL. But I had to keep looking, keep fighting and keeping searching for ways to keep my butt HERE in THIS chair instead of on the road or at client’s offices.
I read somewhere, I think it was The Female Brain, that the hormone that makes us able to put up with the noise and clutter of a home full of small children comes from hugs and skin to skin contact. The more you are away from that contact, the harder it gets to come home and take the tears with the smiles and the cute with the sticky. I must be someone who needs a steady rush of that hormone, because I know that I cannot be away all day every day and still feel connected to my family.
I do have childcare (though someday I will tell you the story about how i got through three days of webcasts using a portacrib and creative naptimes), but it is right down the street and my hours are flexible.
I don’t think that everyone who works full time out of the house and travels is a bad mom. I just know that I AM when I work that way.