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I was on the phone with a business contact earlier today. We were having a great conversation and he suggested that we meet in person. Since he is based in a different city, I responded by saying something like: “That’s a great idea! I am going to be there on (such and such) date and would love to meet. I try not to travel too much because I have a young daughter and if you have free time, this would work out well.”
As soon as I said this, I’d realized that I probably made the mistake of outing my mom-identity too soon in our professional relationship. After all, this guy has an important job with an important company that could help Work It, Mom! in the future. And here I was, saying that I don’t like to travel too much because I am a mom.
He responded by saying he was going to check his calendar and we went on with the conversation. But I was completely distracted trying to figure out if he no longer took me seriously. Does he think I am too lazy to travel frequently? Is he now wondering just how committed I am to growing Work It, Mom! into a successful business?
Almost a year ago I wrote about coming out of the closet as a mom. I can report that since then, I’ve gotten more comfortable and much more forward about bringing my mom identity to work. Obviously, since I run a company for working moms, my own identity as a working mom is essential to what I do, and is actually part of my job. But I’ve found that I mention being a mom in business conversations more frequently, regardless of whether we’re actually talking about Work It, Mom!.
But after this call today I started to wonder if, in my case, the pendulum has swung too much in one direction.
When I worked in the male-dominated world of venture capital, I rarely mentioned being a mom to colleagues or business contacts, and made up a great variety of excuses that had nothing to do with my daughter when, in fact, I had to leave early to take her to the doctor or stay home with her because the nanny was sick. Now, I talk about being a mom freely, whether I am talking to a business contact who is fellow working mom or a single guy without kids. (No, I don’t take out my little photo album to share photos of my daughter or share the latest cute things she is doing — but I do say things like I prefer not to travel too often because I don’t like to be away from my daughter overnight.)
The balance between my identity as a mom and as a business person and entrepreneur is proving more difficult to find than I think I imagined. (Balance? Hard to find? What a surprise!) So I am curious — how much of your mom-self do you bring to work?
This entry was posted on Monday, April 28th, 2008 at 9:18 pm and is filed under Career Talk, Uncategorized, Working Women Issues.
Tags: mom identity, women in the workplace, work etiquette, working mom
April 28th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Terrific topic, Natal!
I think I bring a lot of my “mom-self” into my work. Even though I work for myself, mainly out of my home office, I do find myself saying things like you did about traveling.
In addition to working at home, I’ve also been a homeschooling parent for the past ten years. Of my three kids, I am now only homeschooling my youngest (a high school sophomore). So, I try to schedule meetings around his day, if possible.
I do tell clients if I can’t meet on Tuesday, for example, because we have a skating class. Most of my clients know I’m a mom; many know we homeschool. It hasn’t been an issue and if it did, I think I would reconsider working with that particular client.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:55 am
I don’t think what you said should in any way compromise you being taken seriously as an entrepreneur. I agree balance is important, but as you said, it’s not like you asked him if he wanted to see pictures of your child. That would be over the top. Having a child may in some ways determine how you do business, i.e. limiting your travel. But so what? And if these are really people you are going to do business with, they should know upfront how you operate.
In the past when I have had job interviews, I always found a way to slip in the fact I have kids and how old they are. I don’t want to work for anyone who would hold that against me - which aside from being against the law, just makes the day to day juggling much harder. I’ve been there and it feels lousy.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
It’s not easy, for sure. As time went on for me, I had to make a decision. Did I want to be known as The Professional who was also a Mom or The Mom who was also a Professional. At this point there is no other self than my Mom-self. I find that my nurturing abilities and my attention to detail are a huge asset and far out weigh any detraments.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Because of the industry that I work in (baby gear manufacturing/marketing), it is actually a plus that I am a parent. I feel that my perspective is taken more seriously because I am a parent & I live & breathe our products everyday.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
As an author, I never mind letting people know I have kids. As a music professional, I tend to keep it to myself because it is a male dominated business. My own experience is that men tend to view you differently if you are a working mom (and not their boss). If they ask, I tell them. If not, I let them draw their own conclusions.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I was just thinking the same thing recently–esp. about the travel issue. I’m getting ready to transition to a new position in my company (position TBD but the old job is winding down) and I’m afraid I might be advertising too much that I don’t want to travel. This could be a real problem in my future position, and I don’t want to tip my hand if a new job is something really cool…
April 29th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
My answer — HECK NO! Let’s be moms and be proud. And let’s be clear with (first and foremost) ourselves, our bosses and our business associates what we are and are not willing to do. I’ve always been very vocal about my own parameters. I’ve limited travel, limited work hours and arranged for flexible schedules. But to be fair to my job, I did make exceptions to my limitations whenever the job truly called for it. I think it’s turned out to be a fair deal for all concerned. But we’ll never actually get what we want, and no one will respect our boundaries, if we’re too afraid to clearly define them.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I doubt it was a big surprise to him — surely anyone would realize the founder of a company called, “Work it, Mom!” has kids!
May 1st, 2008 at 8:13 am
I’m always way open at work about my kids, my blog, my vagina. It’s probably why I dont’ work in management.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
At my current job I don’t hide the fact that I’m a Mom but the topic rarely comes up. But….I today I actually did send out an email to my other work-at-home colleagues that I would be out most of the day due to my daughter’s surgery.