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… and I hate that I wonder if she is right.
Today was a big day for me and my parents. 19 years ago on May 21st we got on a plane from Russia to Austria — it was the day we left our country and began the process of immigration to the US. Every year we celebrate this day in some way and this year was super cool (don’t I sound like I am 12?) because we actually live close by and could celebrate together.
We went out to lunch and as soon as I walked in my mom asked me if I got any sleep last night. I actually thought I looked pretty good (thank you, MAC concealer!), but mom knows best. I havent’ gotten that much sleep all week and I made the mistake of telling her about it. Which led to a conversation we’ve been having a lot lately, in which my mom tells me that I am nuts for disregarding the fact that I am a woman and trying to live my life as a man and a woman at the same time.
Before you start Googling me to see if I’ve had a sex change operation, let me stop you — it’s a lot less juicy than that. What my mom means, as she has explained to me, is that in her opinion it is not possible for a woman to be a mom, spend time with her kids and family, organize the household, take care of herself, and pursue an ultra demanding career at the same time. In other words, you can’t have it all and you’re a fool for trying. (Side note — my mom worked all her life and still does. But her career, while intense at times, has been one with flexibility, limited hours, and family-friendly.)
I remember the first time she said something like that to me. What I remember most is that I argued with her like there is no tomorrow, trying to convince her how wrong she was.
Today was different. As I tried to decide what kind of sushi to order, I told my mom that I thought that she was right — that I know well that I can’t do it all and that trying to do it all is taking a toll on me. It’s just that I haven’t figured out which ball to drop been willing to choose a ball to drop.
Last night when I was cutting vegetables so that I could get the chicken curry going in the slow cooker in the morning I thought to myself that I should be sleeping instead and that my daughter would be fine eating hot dogs or a frozen meal instead. But I’m stubborn so finished cutting the veggies anyway. And here’s where irony is precious — I was so exhausted this morning that I forgot to actually put the ingredients into the slow cooker and start it. That’s right, hot dogs. And she was fine. And so was I. But everyone is having this awesome chicken curry tomorrow.)
I know I am raising one of those BIG issues in this post and I really don’t mean to be. I am just curious to hear what balls in your work-life juggle you’ve decided to drop, at least temporarily.
Have you scaled back in your career? Gotten more laid back about cleaning or cooking? Stopped talking to your spouse or partner? (I am not kidding with this one — a friend said to me that she and her husband have Tuesday nights as work nights. They agree to work as late as they need to, no guilt for not spending time together involved.) We all know we can’t do it all –so please share what you’ve decided not to do.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 10:02 pm and is filed under Work/Life Balance, Working Mom Issues, Your life.
Tags: balancing work and family, career, work-life juggle
May 21st, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Take a look at my messy house, and you’ll know the answer.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
I scaled back my hours at work and took a flax position where I only work 60% time (and its all from home). I know I won’t be getting promoted as quickly, but its worth it to be here with my kids when they are little and still actually WANT to hang out with me.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
That was FLEX position, not FLAX.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 am
yeah, messy house is probably the big winner here too! that and sporatic healthy meals - mostly healthy ’snack foods’ like hummus and crackers that my snackloving family is fine with for ‘dinner’ (as long as there is maybe some popcorn later on) - hey it’s better than fast food! of course this also means sporatic family dinner time. mostly it’s my commute/career that doenst often let me get home 7ish most nights and it’s just not fair to make a toddler wait that long for dinner!
however, we DO usually sit down and they have an after dinner snack while i have my dinner and we all chat about our days. All in the compromise…
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
Housecleaning, definitely. I know I should outsource it, but I’m in that classic rock-and-a-hard-place position of feeling like I don’t have the money to pay a housecleaner right now.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
The best decision I ever made was to outsource the housecleaning. If I could afford I daily housekeeper to totally manage the house, I would. But for now the weekly housecleaning is enough to keep me sane.
We are landscaping the front and back yards this summer, so a gardener will be added to the list. Although this doesnt save me any time - I think my spouse will appreciate never having to mow the lawn again.
I’ve tried using meal services, but found that cooking actually relaxes me so I keep that on my priority list.
Although, I have only made it to the gym three times in the last year - so clearly I need to work on that one.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
i think i may be on the verge of giving up SOMETHING (anything?) in favor of a weekly cleaning person. the mess is driving me insane and leading to many empty threats about weekend cleaning frenzies that rarely ever materialize.
i also like your idea for lawn service, i keep hoping a neighborhood kid will come around and offer to cut the grass for like $10 a week
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Housekeeping (though I’ve never been great with that, so I don’t know that I dropped that ball so much as never really having picked it up).
I’m not recommending this, but staying fit has fallen by the wayside in a big way.
I rarely socialize outside of work unless I can include my kids in it.
I have recently started one night a week where I stay at work through dinnertime, then go straight to a weekly evening activity. My husband feeds the kids dinner and puts them to bed. One night a week of that I OK with me, and it gives me some nice catch-up time in the office at a time when there aren’t many people around to distract me.
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
…we totally let the housecleaning go. At least, I do.My hubby’s a bit of a neatnik and he gets a little freaked out but lately we just get to it less frequently. There are toys all over the living room floor (and pieces of toys are missing and I can’t FIND them), and I haven’t cleaned/vacuumed in forever.
I’ve also been ‘phoning in’ dinners. Hotdogs, indeed, Nataly. And pizza and fish sticks and Applebees. Sigh.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Definitely housekeeping for me too.
I also decided to no longer be on my Sunday School class’s leadership team. Most of my class is made up of singles and I just don’t have the time to devote to it that they want me to devote to it.
I haven’t gone to my Bible Study recently, but now that school is out and there is no longer that rush of everything that has to be done for Friday…maybe I will go again. Although next week I’m out of town on business and the following week my 2nd job starts up again and I have to work on the night that bible study is. So probably not.
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:06 am
Some days I think you mom may be right. It feels a little like everything is half done. Sort of clean house, sort of accomplished what I wanted to at work, sort of spent time with my husband. I have let things go recently to do more with the kids. Ride bikes or watch a movie or just be together.
May 25th, 2008 at 5:14 am
I have scaled back the career — left the management track and now work half-time as a contractor.
As a result of working, part of the childcare (20 hr/wk) is done by a nanny.
Outsourced the cleaning AND the laundry.
My husband has taken over cooking the main dish (usually chicken or pork) for dinner. We eat at 8pm and don’t have fruit or vegetables unless I jump in and make side dishes.
As a result, my life is much less stressed than most of the bloggers here. I guess I place a higher value on enjoying these years than on reaching my potential professionally.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I dropped the career ball (for now; and yes, I do believe I’ll be able to find work again when I want it) for the very reasons/stress you mention. I know myself and know that I could NEVER survive trying to juggle babies, house management, healthy cooking and food-shopping, cleaning, and demanding career at the same time. Never. The stress would kill me. So, when I had my first daughter, I left full-time work for part-time, then left part-time for occasional freelance writing and consulting. By dropping the “demanding career” ball, I have allowed myself to be able to keep the parenting, cooking, cleaning, and household management balls firmly in the air.
Just what worked for me. (note: this was not easy financially, however.)