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My daughter is turning four in a few weeks (OMG!) and while the stubbornness of this age I could do without, I’m loving this time in her life. She says the funniest things, asks the cutest questions, and wants to do stuff together which is, for the most part, kind of fun. A member recently asked how many of us actually get on the floor and actively play with our kids and I proudly answered that yes, this is something I do as much as possible.
But as every working mom I know, I find myself under constant pressure to spend more quality time with my daughter and with ever-present guilt that I am not spending enough of it with her. I was talking to a friend recently who told me that she spends two hours with her kids every day and asked if I thought this was enough. I wanted to tell her it was a silly question and that it’s not the number of hours that count, but the thing it, I totally get where she is coming from. On most weekdays this is about the amount of time that I spend with my daughter and while we’re glued to each other on weekends (something I know that she won’t always like, especially as she gets older and wants to spend time with you know, cool people), I often find myself wondering whether this is enough and more, whether the time we spend together is truly quality time.
The other day my daughter ran up to me asking if we could go hunt wolves in our back yard (yes, apparently we have some) and I as I heard myself tell her to please go on the first hunting trip by herself and come back to report to me, I felt a huge rod of guilt strike me. Here I was, not working, with my daughter, and I wasn’t actively playing with her because I was so freakin’ exhausted. I made myself get up and go wolf-hunting immediately.
I recently came across a post by Christina over at ParentDish in which she talked about feeling that when she is with her son she should be fully engaged with him (playing, interacting, talking). She is a working mom and she cherishes the time she gets to spend with him, but sometimes she needs a break from building towers or playing pretend sharks and that’s when the guilt creeps in. (Oh, how I can relate!) I followed a link from Christina’s post to an article in which several anthropologists presented their views on this whole idea of parent-child play. Apparently, it’s mostly a middle-class Western world invention that’s relatively recent, and not one that everyone agrees is a good thing. I only wish a few anthropologists could assuage my working mom guilt!
Do you worry about spending enough quality time with your kids? Or do you believe they benefit from learning to play on their own?
This entry was posted on Monday, June 2nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm and is filed under Balancing Act, Parenting & Family, Working Women Issues.
Tags: guilt, quality time, working mom stress
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
When my oldest was little mom mom looked at me and said, “I never played with you, not like you play with her.” She repeated it a few days ago and I really thought about it. I don’t remember my parents ever getting on the floor with us or playing hide and seek or even coloring. And I don’t ever remember feeling neglected.
That being said, my two year old told me yesterday she wanted to sit in my lap and that I don’t need my ‘puter there. Broke my heart!
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Guilt does your children no good. when they grow up they will only remember the general feeling of their childhood. they have a wonderful way of absorbing your feelings….you don’t want them to absorb the feeling of guilt. (i grew up catholic…know all ’bout guilt sister!)when there is only enough time to bend over …look her in the eye and explain why you are working hard and make a firm plan for when you WILL have quality time together…put a little imagination in her head about how much fun it will be on the weekend or when ever..put her little head to work making plans for that day. they really can’t hardly tell the difference between reality and imagination at that age)put a star in your planner to show her she is on your agenda and she will feel real important and you can get back to work guilt free and she can look forward to your time together. Try hard to read a book together every night. But don’t perpetuate guilt OK? You’re doing a great job! here are some feelings to replace guilt…joy..for having a child…happiness for having a career…gratitude for that second heart you grew when your child was born! kudos
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:39 am
My mother stayed home with us when we were growing up and I never remember her playing with us. She made the meals and took care of the house and we played with each other or by ourselves. What I do remember is that we always ate dinner together and that she was always there when we needed her and overall, I was happy. I try to keep that in mind when I feel guilty about not playing Monopoly Jr. after a long day!
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Same for me! Our mom was home full time–cooking cleaning washing–she didn’t do volunteer work, didn’t spend much time playing etc. That being said, I love to spend time with my kids..we hang out, we play games, sports, cars, legos..but, I don’t get all guilty if I have other stuff to do, or if i just don’t want to. I don’t want them to learn the trick of guilting me into things. I want them to entertain themselves..I see it as time to treasure…but I treasure me time too!
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I play with my daughter, on a daily basis, because I want to. Because it makes me smile and inifuses me with happiness beyond belief.
BUT, I also believe it is important for her to expand her own imagination and to learn to entertain herself. I find this even more important as I watch some of my cousins who have no idea HOW to entertain themselves and who can not find intrinsic value in activities. There is only value for them if they get praise from their mother.
I do feel guilty sometimes when I am too busy or too tired, but I try not to because I know my daughter has it good and that her life is full of wonderful attention and love.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I try not to feel guilty when I am not htere with them 24/7. I own my business (out of the home) so I get the whole work, guilt thing…..but my kids don’t. I also don’t remember my parents playing with me much - but I had a great childhood and am very close with my parents. The difference is I don’t think my mom felt guilty - I wish I could feel the same.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
It seems that mothers have some kind of guilt gene and none of us is immune to its effects. I have to admit, I feel guilt when I take a nap instead of spending the time with my son. But really, oftentimes now that he’s older, he’s doing something like reading, drawing or playing a computer game and doesn’t need me hovering over him. When I’m rested (after said nap), I’m much more pleasant to be around.
I think kids who come from homes with parents who love them and made them feel secure will remember that when their older. So maybe we should stop feeling so guilty. I know, easier said than done.