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Lisa Belkin has written another uber-piece in the New York Times Magazine about couples attempting to equally share childcare and household responsibilities and I’ve just had a chance to read through it. (Her original uber-piece being The Opt Out Revolution.)
It’s long, but if you’re married or have a partner or have been married or are just interested in family dynamics, you should read it. It is way too rich with detail for me to summarize, but a few things stuck me:
According to one researcher Ms. Belkin talks about in the article, “…the single-most-predictive factor of how equal a couple will be… is how equal their friends are.” It seems we can’t escape social norms, or at least not the majority of us. Women are considered primary childcare providers, whether or not we work, and men’s primary responsibility is to be the family’s breadwinner.
Of course as soon as I read this I started thinking about our friends. For the most part, my husband does a lot more household chores and is more involved in childcare and childcare-related decisions than any of our friends. But right before I was about to rejoice at proving the research wrong, I realized that exception likely proves the rule.
The other point that struck me in the article, similarly related to social norms, was the perception of job flexibility. One researcher’s study illustrated how the wife’s job was always perceived as more flexible than her husband’s.
By way of example she describes two actual couples, one in which he is a college professor and she is a physician and one in which she is a college professor and he is a physician. In either case, Deutsch says “both the husband and wife claimed the man’s job was less flexible.”
I think this is powerful and scary. With all the talk of changing perceptions and traditional roles, of increasing number of dads who want to stay home full-time with their kids, Ms. Belkin’s article and the research she highlights suggests that we’re not as far from where we started as it might appear. I can think of two or three families we know where both parents have demanding jobs and it is the wife who is always taking kids to the doctor or leaving work early to make it to soccer practice. Even in our family, where my husband is one of those ultra-involved dads, if my daughter is sick or needs to be picked up early I am the first person who looks at my schedule to see if I can do it.
Do you agree that social norms have a lot to do with how your family splits up responsibilities? Are you comfortable with how much you and your partner contribute in terms of household work and childcare or do you wish it were more equal? Do you think equal parenting is possible?
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 12th, 2008 at 8:46 am and is filed under Balancing Act, Relationships & Marriage, Working Women Issues.
Tags: equal parenting, household chores, job flexibility, marriage, social norms
June 12th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I think the social aspect is spot on. Fortunately we set up our routines before moving to a new neighborhood that is full of stay at home moms. We are for the most part 50/50 and strive to remain that way.
Since living on this street we have actually had the other men say jokingly (but you know they were a little bit serious) that I was a “bad influence” on their SAH wives because I teach them to have expectations that their husband’s should be more helpful around the house and with the kids.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Social norms have a lot to do with it. Before and when I was pregnant we were pretty egalitarian but ever since the baby was born my husband has for some reason decided his job takes precedence over everything (despite the fact that I earn more), that I am the baby expert, and that all household chores are my responsibility. My head is still spinning from the rapid turnaround. I’m not sure how to get us back on track.
June 12th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Before kids, we each earned 50% of the income and I probably did 60-70% of the household management. I paid bills, hired the cleaner, shopped for groceries, did the laundry, etc, and he cooked dinner in additional to the traditional “guy” chores of home repairs and lawn care.
Now that we’re parents, he earns 2/3 of the income and does about 1/3 of the childcare, while I earn 1/3 of the income (20hr/wk contracting) and do about 2/3 of the childcare (including selection and management of preschool and part-time nanny.) I still do more household management and he still cooks dinner.
I’ve very happy with this arrangement, and personally prefer to work part-time in order to spend more time with my preschooler, despite the cost to my career. I know that if I was working full time he would step up and do more, but it would never be 50% of childcare and household management, so life would be much more stressful.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Ugh. This new Belkin piece has me all riled up, quite frankly. I’m so glad you’re blogging about it, Nataly. I just finished reading it in full and, yes, it covers a lot of ground. I scanned all the comments, too. I found it quite depressing to read. No, I don’t think it’s possible. It’s just a horrible tangle of biology, society, choices, peer pressure etc.
Is it inevitable that women like me must be stuck with the work-kids-housework juggle… and resenting it? What’s incredibly annoying is that my spouse, a lovely man (don’t get me wrong), honestly believes we split all the housework. I mean, he really believes it.
To make things worse, I made the mistake of discussing the article with him. (Why, oh why, do I always think this will make things easier?!) I’ll spare you all the gory details, but he got defensive and so did I and he ended up saying that it makes sense that he does less housework and childcare since he earns much more money than I do. Yes, he actually said it out loud. I. Am. Seething.
Oh, but back to my point.
Which is you can plead, coerce, threaten, whatever, but most men just will not do much housework. It’s just not important to them. This is the sad conclusion I’ve reached. Sorry to be such a downer.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:20 am
interesting. it reminds me to thank my hubby and how great he is. Maybe it’s because of my commute, maybe it’s because i am the breadwinner - but hubby is the one who always gets the sick kid from daycare and takes him home or to the doctor’s or whatever is required. only once in 2 years has he asked me to take over these duties. I think there are a lot more factors than social influence - some comes down to plain old expectations.
I mean expectations of ourselves! We tend to be the ones who put that pressure on ourselves. Delegating is an art - especially when you are delegating to your spouse.
As for cleaning, i think most just really don’t see the mess until it’s clean and they now have space to dump stuff (unless they are OCD about cleaning - but that’s different)
Also - how many men are taught as little boys the how/when/what to clean? My little guy already helps me dust and likes sweaping and vacuuming! I will do what i can to continue the trend! Because his daddy has NO CLUE!
June 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I’m a rare wife and mother whose husband does more housework and childcare than I do. But my husband is 10+ years into his career and has a 8-4:30 job with one of the nation’s largest insurance companies. IT has never been downsized, flexible schedules are the norm, family life rules. On the other hand, I’m one year out of law school and trying to establish a career as an attorney so I need to be at work and my work is less flexible and less family friendly. I detailed our chore distribution over at Two Women Blogging and the more commentary I read about the article the more I realize how awesome it is we got this worked out. When I stayed home for a year doing the lions’ share of the housework and childcare was one of the unhappiest years I’ve ever had.