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A friend of mine was visiting this weekend. She just got engaged and we were sitting around talking about wedding plans and our other friends who recently got married. One of them is an uber-successful career woman, someone who has always been very ambitious. My friend who was visiting said that it made sense to her to wait to have kids until your career is more established. She told me she has no idea how I’ve kept it all together with my previous insane job, now running a company, and taking care of my daughter. She herself doesn’t plan on having kids for a while.
My daughter was born when I was 28. Our family comes from Russia and this is considered an ancient age to have your first child. But among our friends we were definitely on younger side when we became parents. I thought about how having a child would impact my career but I grew up with young parents and I’ve always wanted to be one. Same for my husband.
I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes think that having a child later in my life, after my career and my business were a bit more established might have made things easier. I would be able to get more done, stay more focused, and probably make more progress quicker. But I remember the chart that my OB gave me once that showed how the difficulty of getting pregnant and the chance of various health risks for the child and mother increase pretty steadily as the woman gets older. I have friends who’ve been trying to get pregnant for years and they are just a bit older than me. They would give up their career success in a minute to have a healthy child.
My friend who is thinking about having kids later in life so that she can get more established in her career is not alone. The average age of first-time mothers has been steadily climbing in the US, from 21 in 1970 to 25 in 2005. Any woman reading the endless articles about moms opting out of the workforce or employers cutting back on maternity benefits is right to consider how her career might be impacted by having a child.
Did you think about your career when you decided when to have kids? Do you think having kids later in life is a good way to boost your career?
This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 6:01 pm and is filed under Balancing Act, Parenting & Family, Working Women Issues.
Tags: balancing work and family, career and kids, first-time moms, waiting to have kids
June 17th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I’ve been on both sides. I was young with my first (19) and older with my last two (31 and 34). Taking out of the picture the marriage question, I would say, have kids early! It is so much easier having a child early while in school or just out of school and taking the time to spend with them than it was well into my career.
But, if your taking the traditional route of getting married first, I don’t think women have much of a choice. Most don’t marry until after 25, and many not until 30 or more. After 30 the reality is that the clock started ticking and it is more difficult.
I can’t believe that me, the career crazed mother, would even say such a thing, but our mothers and grandmothers had it right. Get married and with kids early, then start the career. What is the difference if you start your career at 25 anyway?
I think women think that they have to approach their career like a man so it is college, career, kids. But, I’m not bought into that. Being on both sides (younger/older) has been an interesting journey.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:46 am
I’ve been all over the map with this one but none of it had to do with career. Just dmb mistakes and bad man choices. I had twins that died at birth when I was 17, divorced at 18 but still helped my ex raise his son from a previous relationship (he was 7 when I was 20). He didn’t live with me full time so it’s not quite the same as having your own. I gave birth to my next child at 27. Unfortunately he was very sick for the first 4 years of his life. My ex (#2) was a useless, abusive jerk so I was really a single mom (with really awesome parents!). I married my now husband when I was 32 and my son was 5. He had had a vasectomy because he had the 2 kids he wanted. I didn’t. I wanted more. He had a reversal and then…no baby. A fertility doctor told me in 2001 when I was 35 that we would not conceive without invetro. I got a dog. I was devestated. In 2003 a different doctor said we should try artificial insemination. We got our first boy on the first try. Our second boy took 5 tries with a miscarriage in the middle. I am now 42 with a 15 year old, an almost 4 year old and a 17 month old. I am at odds. I adore my little boys and am so grateful to have them. On the other hand, what was I thinking! I am too old for this!! I think it just comes down to personal choice.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:07 am
This is a tough one. I think that women in their 20s don’t have as many fertility issues to deal with, but I think there are benefits to waiting. In my case, I never planned to have kids. That is, until my biological clock kicked in around 29.
As an older mom, I think I’m more patient than I would have been when I was younger, and I didn’t feel I was missing out on things because I’d already spent my 20s going out.
I don’t think I have the energy that some of the young moms have though. And as a result of waiting, I was only able to have one child because of my medical issues after I had my son. So I guess I’d say there are pluses and minuses to both.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:16 am
I had David when I was 29 and at the time I considered myself old for having children! My mom was 23 when she had me. I have to admit though, we waited quite a while to have him because I wanted to get to a certain point in my career b4 having kids.
So, David was actually project planned! (Yes, I really was that “anal” back then…) I raced up that corporate ladder as fast as I could and then got pregnant.
I am very very glad that I made that choice. Since I did not have “ball and chain” commitments at home (their words not mine) I received a number of assignments and opportunities that I would not have gotten otherwise. That allowed me to move up my career progression much faster than most of my peers.
I had the energy to put in outrageous hours and travel all over the place. (Fortunately, my husband was very understanding.)
Once I had David all of that stopped. I knew that once I became a mom I would not WANT to do all of those things. Long hours and loads of travel were no longer as fun as they once were.
Now, as it turned out, after having David, I was a different person. (For me a better person.) All of that climbing was getting me altitude sickness I think! In the end, I left that corporate job when he was almost 2 years old. Have not looked back… but that is another story for another day.
Ultimately, I think the choice of earlier or later depends on your goals and the culture of the industry and company where you are working.
Great question!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I had our son (first and only child) three weeks before my 40th birthday. No regrets. I did the career thing and that was important to me when I did it. When I finally had the urge to have a child, I was ready. I know, for me, I wasn’t ready before that.
And, that’s the important thing - being ready for a huge commitment for the rest of your life. When you choose to have a child isn’t really the point. It’s knowing that you and your partner are prepared to be the very best parents possible. It’s knowing that you’re ready to give everything of yourself to raising a person who will be an asset to the world. It’s knowing that the world no longer revolves around you, and you’re good with that.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
i think it just depends on the circumstances really. if you get married later your career is probably already in motion and then you look for a spot where it wont be so impacting to be out on maternity leave.
I got married at 26 and if i had to do it over? yes, i would have had kids earlier! I always thought i would stay home with my babies so i kept waiting for that time when my husbands career would pick up and i could do that. Finally i had to come to terms with the fact that i will ALWAYS be the primary earner in our household! Once we both realized and accepted that we moved forward, had our awesome son and it has been the best decision! sometimes circumstances happen for a reason
that said - the VP i report up through in my new position had babies young and stayed home. once she got back in the work force she moved up quickly and has been in this VP position for a few years. i think there are definitly times that you can apply many of your ‘mom skills’ to the corporate world and she has done a great job!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I had my first at 28 and my second at 31 (I just turned 32), and I feel like I made enough progress in my career that I was able to negotiate decent maternity leaves and leave work at a reasonable hour.
I’m the primary breadwinner so there was no thought to my leaving my job. Fortunately I love it.
I’m glad I didn’t have kids earlier. Perhaps I should have waited another year or two so I wouldn’t be the youngest mom at the preschool, but I don’t have any regrets.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I had my son at 26 - which in Silicon Valley I might as well had been 17. I was the youngest mom in my mother’s group by a good 10 years. It was isolating for support since all but one of my same age friends didn’t have kids. I still had friends who were living with their parents when I gave birth to Darius!
Career wise, I think that having Darius when I did was great. Because of finances, I could only afford to take 16 weeks off (that included 4-weeks of mandatory bed rest before he was born). While I was out, the group I managed fell apart and my value was proven. I came back to a mess, had it cleaned up within a week and a few months later landed a big promotion.
Becoming a mother gave me a new ambitious drive. Since he was born 4 years ago, I’ve had three promotions. So I don’t think it has hurt me at all.
I don’t know if we will have more kids - maybe in another year or two. Living in the Bay Area is so expensive, I’m not sure we could afford another round of infant day care and all the expenses. Besides, I think 1 child and a career is a good balance for me. Not sure how I would deal with it all with more kids.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
For me, the decision was very much about wanting to wait until I was married and had a husband to share the experience. Let me stress that this was a very personal decision, and before that happened, I came to terms with the fact that I might never find someone and get married and have children. I totally respect, and seriously considered having a baby before that happened.
As for the career question, due to the timing of the marriage, I certainly had a well-established career before we had our daughter, but not by design. I had to work in order to support myself, and am naturally the sort of person that if I do something I am going to strive to do well at it. However, I never, ever had a career ambition or goal in mind (and still don’t). Certainly in the last 4 years I have had success in my career but haven’t ‘progressed’ in the traditional sense due to my priorities having shifted, and some specific decisions that I made in terms of what opportunities/roles to pursue (or not).
Had I met and married someone earlier in my life, I certainly would have been younger (I was 30) when I had my first). On the other hand, boy did I have fun being young, single and supporting myself independently
June 19th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I had my son at 29 and feel that was a good age, for me, to have a baby. I was definitely not at a place where I was “settled” in my career, but I had had a few years to work, gain experience, learn, and when I decided to try to get pregnant I knew that if push came to shove I would be always be able to get a decent job and support myself and my son without any help from anyone. That was a pretty critical milestone for me, and one that I needed to reach for myself before I had children.
I see a lot of women waiting until their late 30s to have children and I hope their plans do work out for them. At 29 my husband and I had to seek fertility treatment due to a male infertility issue and there was a big chart in the wall of the exam room that showed how precipitously a woman’s fertility declines after 35. Whatever reservations I had about trying as hard as I could to have a baby before 35 went away after I saw that chart. I have a friend who started trying for a baby at 37 and gave up at age 41 after trying everything. She has regrets, even though a lot of why she waited to have children was due to circumstances outside her control. I had control of my circumstances and decided early on that I would rather regret not having a stellar career than not having a baby.
Am I where I thought I would be with my career by this age? No, but honestly it has nothing to do with me being a mother and facing “mommy discrimination,” and it also doesn’t really bother me. My decision to have a baby is the best one I ever made. At the end of the day, no matter how crappy my job is, I have my little boy and he makes life worth living for me. Honestly, the only thing that has happened with my career since I had him was that I care less about being a big success on the job and more about what happens in my life outside of work. My life is rich and full and all the components of it - my son, my marriage, my job, my friendships, my family relationships - all come together to create the life I live every day. Right now, I really am more focused on being a great mom than I am on climbing the corporate ladder and I am totally OK with that. I work both out of choice and necessity, and I honestly enjoy working, but my most important job is mothering my son. I am only 31 and feel there is lots of time to worry about career success later, when he is older. Right now I am happy to have a less-important job that allows me amazing flexibility to be with my son a lot of the time.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer but I will say this. The time women have to have children is much shorter than the amount of time we have to have a career. I am not saying the two are or should be mutually exclusive. But a lifetime is in actuality much longer than it feels like it is when you’re 22. I was one of those people who was always impatient and wanted things to happen fast. I definitely could have taken more time to get where I am now, and not suffered any ill effects. Conversely, I’m glad I didn’t have children at 22 because I know I did not have the patience or selflessness required to do a good job of parenting at that age. 29 was the right age for me, everyone else’s mileage may vary.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I know too many women that waited, and then had problems getting pregnant. I was 25, 28 and 30 with my 3. I was 23 when I got married. I already felt old starting at 25, because my mom got married when she was 18 and had me at 19 and my brother at 20.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I started a career first and have my first child at 30 and second at 32. This is considered very late by our family standards. But I enjoyed my life and career before kids. And I have established myslef enough at work to be able to take the time I need for my kids without getting booted out of the company.
Though, I sometimes think it would be nice to have the energy of a 22 yr old n ow so I could keep up with my kids. I also think that if i had kids earlier (before we got dependent on my income) the chances of me continuing my career after kids would have been slim.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I had my daughter late, but it wasn’t a career decision, really. It was more of a matter of finding out who I was first.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:14 am
I’m still trying to figure out how this web site works.I thought that I had posted this somewhere else but I can’t seem to find it.
I’m 44 and I have a 14 month old baby. She was sort-of planned but not this late in life….that’s just the way it happened. I am still in shock actually. I think it’s hard for me because so much of my life is defined by my pre-baby era and I feel like that has slipped away. It’s going to take me another 40 yrs to get use to my new life. I love my daughter more than anything in the whole world but I miss my old life. I miss being able to be me without worrying how it affects her. It’s hard and sometimes I feel depressed and I feel guilt and other feelings that randomly come and go.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I started early on purpose: I was 24 when I began my first pregnancy. My career wasn’t doing anything good, and I figured that if I got childbearing out of the way earlyish, I’d have a big chunk of time later: if my first child was 18 when I was not even 40, that’s still 25 years until retirement. And that was assuming I didn’t go back to work full-time when he started first-grade at age 6.
Then I went and messed with the plan by having a bunch more kids. But if I go back full-time when my current youngest is 6, I’ll be 40 and will STILL have 25 years until typical retirement.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I became a mom at 42, and my son is now 5. i work parttime from home as an author, speaker, founder, Motherhood Later….Than Sooner, an on/offline resource/community for 35+ moms.
I am definitely more conscious of who I am and what is important to me as a 40 something mom. I adore my son, but do find it challenging since I spent so many more years working than someone in their 20s, for example, and am used to being autonomous in that way. It’s a big adjustment juggling, yet still yearning to create and follow my entrepreneurial desires.
I think you have to be really consious of your time, set priorities, take care of yourself on the health front, interact with other empowering moms, and cut yourself some slack when you can’t do it all as efficiently as you once might have been able.
You can’t be both a perfect parent and professional….there is no such thing….we do the best we can….but that’s not always easy to accept.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:05 am
I found love very early and got married at 22. I worked during that time but returned to school because i finally saw a career vision. So now i’m 26 and in the midst of job cuts and layoffs i’m hunting for my dream job…but strangely i keep getting this feeling that it would be better for me to have a baby now. Maybe it is my biological clock kicking in but all i’ve been thinking and reading about is having a baby. I would rather have a baby now than face complications later due to age/ health and look back only to regret not trying earlier. Career is important but that can always wait.