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My daughter’s birthday party was two weeks ago and I have not yet written a single Thank You note.
There, I said it. I am a horribly impolite mom and I’m casting an impoliteness shadow over my daughter.
But I promise that I have GREAT excuses. I’ve had two business trips in the last two weeks and my husband had one; this business trip collision meant that all non-essential things besides making sure we were all fed and where we needed to be on time had to wait. We’re in the midst of buying a new house — I don’t think I need to explain much more about what that does whatever delicate work-life “balance” we manage to achieve on a daily basis. Work has been crazy (yes, I know I keep saying that, but truly, this time I really mean that it was crazier than usual) and really stressful.
I had planned to write them tonight, but due to the two birthday parties and a barbecue we went to this weekend I have yet to make dinner for tomorrow, so that takes precedence. At this rate, if I get them done by next weekend I will be surprised.
To make matters worse we just got a thank you note from a birthday party we went to last weekend. I know how hard both of those parents work so my working too much doesn’t seem like a good excuse any more.
Do you prioritize getting things like writing Thank You notes done or let them slide?
This entry was posted on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 7:43 pm and is filed under Family, Your life.
Tags: balancing work and family, kids activities, thank you note
June 29th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Sorry–we have a rule that you can’t play with a toy until the note is written, so the boys get to work early on those. For my non-literate son that means I write a short note as he opens the present and he has to sign at least a few letters of his name before he can play with it. Doing this means everything gets done right away. Try not to feel guilty, though. That doesn’t help anything!
June 29th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Oh, Jen, that’s such a great rule. I am going to try and stick to it from now on — literally will bring notes with me when we go to open presents. But this still leaves me with a pile to do this week:)
June 29th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Write two a night. Just two. Have your daughter sign at least the first letter of her name on each, so it’s not just you working on them. Two a night isn’t overwhelming, and they’ll all get done eventually!
June 29th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
This is actually something I was thinking about and wanted to write a note about this.
Recently my son’s friend had a birthday. The parents wrote out invitations, made amazing goody bags, and then sent out written thank you cards. They made me sick.
Where did these parents find time to do all that while having three young children. When my son had his birthday I called everyone to tell them about the party. I had a great party at My Gym. Everyone had a blast. I had no time for goody bags. Honest I think it’s a waste of time and money. (why am I giving out presents when it’s my son’s birthday?). I thanked everyone for coming and for the presents verbally at the end of the party. I did not send out thank you notes.
I don’t care. I was polite at the party and made sure it was good. To me, the rest is irrelevent.
I am a busy working mom of two young children. Sometimes I cannot make time to go to the restroom. Please forgive me.
June 30th, 2008 at 2:17 am
I think this is maybe an American thing but I was amazed when I read this - you write a thank you note to somebody for coming to your child’s party? I think that putting on a good party is enough thank you, surely? The children have a lovely time, they take home a few lollies perhaps, isn’t that enough thank you? I suppose it also depends on what kind of gifts you expect or receive, but in Australia the standard cost for a child’s birthday gift is around $20, $30 at a maximum. I put in a lot of thought, time and imagination for creating a birthday party for my children and their friends (the next one will be a cupcake decorating party) - isn’t that enough?
Here we send out thank yous for weddings, christenings, probably funerals. Not birthday parties!
June 30th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I have to agree with SydneyGal. I only write Thank You notes to people who help with party prep. If someone helped you blow up a hundred balloons, they get a note. If someone showed up, ate your food, and left their plates and napkins on the coffee table, no note. They got food and a party. Don’t be greedy.
If someone expects thank yous, they probably don’t deserve them. You are too busy being a great mom to stroke someone’s ego who doesn’t deserve it.
June 30th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I think the “thank you” is for the gifts that are brought to the party, not necessarily a “thank you for coming” note.
To me, it’s important to write the thank you notes to teach your child not only about how to express thankfulness when someone does something kind (like bringing a present to a birthday party) but also helps them learn how to write something that does not include LOL.
Yes, it takes time, and yes when you’re busy it can be a hassle, and no they don’t always go out the next week. But even just doing one or two a night, and making your child part of the process, will help.
It just breeds a well-mannered child at least to me.
I also have to say I’m a little bothered by the “I did this and I did that and I put together all this so a thank you note is just greedy on your part” attitude. The adult puts on the party for the child and the child’s friends. It’s supposed to be about having fun and celebrating, and if it’s not, maybe it’s time to think about why you do things and what your expectations are.
June 30th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I totally disagree with the above two comments. I was raised to send a written, pen-and-paper thank-you note whenever someone was generous enough to give me a gift or otherwise go out of their way to make me feel special. I believe strongly that this is basic etiquette. There are many things I let slide, but thank-you notes aren’t one of them. My girls are 2 and 4, and they already know (well, the 4-year- old anyway!) that thank-you notes get written (at present, that means my daughters color a picture of some sort and I write some words of thanks onto the paper for them) within a few days of receiving the gift. This is one of those non-negotiables for me. It’s just simple good manners.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I have a website dedicated to writing thank you notes, and I’ll be honest until I’ve let them slide many times before I decided to put a little more effort there. I’ve learned to be better about it and have found even the late thank you note is greatly appreciated. People always expect I’ll be offended because of a lack of a note to me, but I ALWAYS understand how busy (especially Moms!) can be. Your honesty in your blog is really refreshing. BTW, I have fill-in-the blank kids notes, you can copy on my site if it helps.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thank you notes are an acknowledgment that someone else, who also may have family issues, medical issues, work issues, etc took theirvalued time and devoted it to going out and selecting, buying and wrapping a present for you or your child and took a few hours out of their day (that they could have used for cleaning,packing, doing their taxes) to focus on you and celebrate your event.
The VERY minimum you can do for such a person is to grab a pen and write a three line thank you note, stick a stamp on it and put it in the mail. It takes you less than one minute per card, but it tells the recipient so much about how much you value the time they gave in gift selection, wrapping, party attendance etc.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I was raised to always send a written thank you for any gift, whether it is for birthdays or christmas or graduations. And I’m teaching our children that they need to do the same. It is a lot of work on the part of the parent but so is teaching them to say out loud the words “thank you” which doesn’t happen the first time you say it to your child but it does sink in over time. Writing someone to thank them for their gift or to their teacher to say thanks for a fun year, those will sink in as well and be second nature to them as they get older and you won’t have as much to do with it soon. But for now, find another 20 minutes of your day to teach them that it is a nice gesture to say thank you in a written form, too. It is so nice to receive a written letter these days that the simple thank you letter for the birthday party will surely be appreciated.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I always learned that if you thanked a person in person, you didn’t need to send a note. So if you have a party where the gifts all get whisked away on a cart and the kid opens them later, then notes are required. If the kid opens the gifts on the floor in the living room while all the other kids sit around saying, “that one’s from me!” and you say, “oooh, [sidewalk chalk, a doll stroller, Incredible Hulk slippers]! Cool! — what do you say?” and your child dutifully repeats, “Thank you!” as she rips the tissue paper out of the next bag, I say that counts.
I bought a rubber stamp that says “Thanks a Bunch” and periodically I buy packets of white card & envelopes. We make doing the notes into an art project (my kids are 4 and 2 1/2).
Also, I received a thank-you recently from one of my 4-year-old’s classmates that was a pre-printed form postcard like this:
Dear _________,
Thank you for the ______________. _____________________________.
From ___________
and you know what? At first I was a little taken aback, but you do what you gotta do, and I did appreciate the acknowledgment of the gift.
Nataly, if making time to write paper notes isn’t happening, I say you write brief emails. Apologize for the delay, say your thanks and then LET IT GO.
June 30th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
OK, have to report — you guys inspired me and I am making progress. Wrote 3 notes last night and had my daughter sign her name this morning after breakfast. Have 6 more done already - yay! - and have prepared envelopes, with addresses and labels for the rest. Will get done by end of week at this rate.
I was raised in Russia, where we didn’t send or give thank you notes — but there presents were usually opened right in front of the person who gave them. I do think it’s a nice way to teach my daughter good manners — just wish I could have an extra hour during the day to get it done!
July 1st, 2008 at 2:56 am
Nataly -
I think that reading all of these responses is proof that there are differing opinions of what is appropriate and what is not. I DO NOT take offense when I don’t receive a thank you note (in fact I don’t even notice) but I do think HIGHLY of someone that takes time out of their day to let me know that my act of kindness was important to them.
I can appreciate a number of perspectives on the comments. I have to say, though, I generally cannot stand going to kids parties and would have a number of other things to do with my time. My husband and I go because the child is important to my child.
When we purchase a gift for a party that is no guarantee that a gift will be returned in kind for our son (not that it should be.) It is an act of kindness. While the cost may be fairly low, the time involved is immense. My son takes specific interest in getting just the right gift for each of his friends. That means that we may spend well over an hour or two just shopping for the party plus time getting ready and attending.
From my perspective, since my son puts so much thought into the gifts he gives, it is awesome when he receives a thank you from a friend (boy or girl) that lets him know how much they liked the gift. It makes his day, which in turn makes mine. (besides, getting something in the mail is just cool for a young child isn’t it?)
My sons started writing their own notes when they learned to sign their name. It is tedious to go through them all, but well worth it. In a world where we have a lot of entitlement, it is good to be humble and say thank you.
I also understand that due to various life circumstances, hand writing a note is not always feasible. I have clients with medical conditions that prevent them from writing well due to pain (or horrible writing.) I suggest http://www.organizemycards.com for these clients. The company has a mission of changing the world one card at a time. What a great mission.
The real trick is to try not to be a perfectionist about it. I have a number of clients that have a very specific way they want to do things when it comes to thank yous. They are usually time consuming and the person does not have the time to do them. Because of this, they end up not doing anything! Forget about perfection if you have to. The point is to let the other person know you appreciated something. Even a phone call while waiting at the grocery will work! My parents still have a recording on their voice-mail from 3 years ago when my son left a verbal thank you. It makes them smile every time they replay it.
Good luck!
July 1st, 2008 at 7:10 am
I try to get Thank You notes out but it is often overlooked in the routine day to day rush. We have reinforced to our kids that Thank You notes for gifts have to be written and sent.
It does amaze me when the parents have the time to include the Thank You notes in the party favor bags. That’s being prepared.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:22 am
Here in England, my daughter will take her hand-written thank-you notes to school and give them to her friends (she is 7 years old.)
In the UK, full-time state school starts in the September that the child is 4 years old! Birthday invitations are handed out by children during school. I am remembering back to the early 1990s when we lived in the USA…children were not allowed to give out invitations at school, so that children who aren’t invited don’t feel left out.
Can anyone tell me how it’s done in the US and other countries?
July 1st, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I am not offended if I don’t get one. Honestly, I hardly ever get them! I usually get them from my father in law and my grandma. And those are the 2 that usually will call and say “did you get my gift?” so it makes me send out a thank you. I sent them out after our wedding and baby shower. I sent some out after DD was born too. She hasn’t had her 1st birthday yet but I will try to get them out. I dont send them for personal birthday gifts but thats cuz they’re usually just from family and I open it and say thank you in front of them. There was a huge “heating” discussion about this on another message board. crazy how hostile people can get about thank you notes!
July 1st, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I was raised to always send thank you notes for gifts. My mother-in-law is the same way, although it didn’t trickle down as MUCH to him. And he’s got me to do it for him, so he doesn’t have to worry as much. (although for some reason, we both don’t regularly send thank you’s to our ‘rents or siblings.)
I have to say though, thank you notes in the gift bags? That’s not prepared, that’s just going through the motions. A thank you note should specifically mention the gift. If this was a “thanks so much for coming to my party” type of thing, followed by specific notes to those who also gave gifts, then fine. Otherwise, LAZY.
I’m not very judgmental, but this is a hot-button for me!
July 19th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I was raised to write thank you notes. Period. Even if I thanked the person in person, I still write them. To this day at age 35 I am still writing thank you notes for gifts I receive. It’s such a nice gesture and should not be something of the past.
So, I will continue with my daughter and teach her about writing thank you notes. It is polite and shows you care.
I do take notice when I don’t receive any thank you for a gift I send or give. I think if the person buying the gift had the time to go make this special purchase, card, gift bag, etc. Certainly a 5 minute thank you isn’t too much to ask for.