Comments on: Thank You note etiquette — can I get a too-busy-working-mom exception?

By: Crystal

Crystal — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 18:07:14 +0000

I was raised to write thank you notes. Period. Even if I thanked the person in person, I still write them. To this day at age 35 I am still writing thank you notes for gifts I receive. It’s such a nice gesture and should not be something of the past.

So, I will continue with my daughter and teach her about writing thank you notes. It is polite and shows you care.

I do take notice when I don’t receive any thank you for a gift I send or give. I think if the person buying the gift had the time to go make this special purchase, card, gift bag, etc. Certainly a 5 minute thank you isn’t too much to ask for.

By: Suzanne

Suzanne — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:55:44 +0000

I was raised to always send thank you notes for gifts. My mother-in-law is the same way, although it didn’t trickle down as MUCH to him. And he’s got me to do it for him, so he doesn’t have to worry as much. (although for some reason, we both don’t regularly send thank you’s to our ‘rents or siblings.)

I have to say though, thank you notes in the gift bags? That’s not prepared, that’s just going through the motions. A thank you note should specifically mention the gift. If this was a “thanks so much for coming to my party” type of thing, followed by specific notes to those who also gave gifts, then fine. Otherwise, LAZY.

I’m not very judgmental, but this is a hot-button for me!

By: Joy

Joy — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 16:57:04 +0000

I am not offended if I don’t get one. Honestly, I hardly ever get them! I usually get them from my father in law and my grandma. And those are the 2 that usually will call and say “did you get my gift?” so it makes me send out a thank you. I sent them out after our wedding and baby shower. I sent some out after DD was born too. She hasn’t had her 1st birthday yet but I will try to get them out. I dont send them for personal birthday gifts but thats cuz they’re usually just from family and I open it and say thank you in front of them. There was a huge “heating” discussion about this on another message board. crazy how hostile people can get about thank you notes!

By: Anna

Anna — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 13:22:56 +0000

Here in England, my daughter will take her hand-written thank-you notes to school and give them to her friends (she is 7 years old.)

In the UK, full-time state school starts in the September that the child is 4 years old! Birthday invitations are handed out by children during school. I am remembering back to the early 1990s when we lived in the USA…children were not allowed to give out invitations at school, so that children who aren’t invited don’t feel left out.

Can anyone tell me how it’s done in the US and other countries?

By: Tracey

Tracey — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 11:10:02 +0000

I try to get Thank You notes out but it is often overlooked in the routine day to day rush. We have reinforced to our kids that Thank You notes for gifts have to be written and sent.
It does amaze me when the parents have the time to include the Thank You notes in the party favor bags. That’s being prepared.

By: Stephanie LH Calahan

Stephanie LH Calahan — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 06:56:49 +0000

Nataly -
I think that reading all of these responses is proof that there are differing opinions of what is appropriate and what is not. I DO NOT take offense when I don’t receive a thank you note (in fact I don’t even notice) but I do think HIGHLY of someone that takes time out of their day to let me know that my act of kindness was important to them.

I can appreciate a number of perspectives on the comments. I have to say, though, I generally cannot stand going to kids parties and would have a number of other things to do with my time. My husband and I go because the child is important to my child.

When we purchase a gift for a party that is no guarantee that a gift will be returned in kind for our son (not that it should be.) It is an act of kindness. While the cost may be fairly low, the time involved is immense. My son takes specific interest in getting just the right gift for each of his friends. That means that we may spend well over an hour or two just shopping for the party plus time getting ready and attending.

From my perspective, since my son puts so much thought into the gifts he gives, it is awesome when he receives a thank you from a friend (boy or girl) that lets him know how much they liked the gift. It makes his day, which in turn makes mine. (besides, getting something in the mail is just cool for a young child isn’t it?)

My sons started writing their own notes when they learned to sign their name. It is tedious to go through them all, but well worth it. In a world where we have a lot of entitlement, it is good to be humble and say thank you.

I also understand that due to various life circumstances, hand writing a note is not always feasible. I have clients with medical conditions that prevent them from writing well due to pain (or horrible writing.) I suggest http://www.organizemycards.com for these clients. The company has a mission of changing the world one card at a time. What a great mission.

The real trick is to try not to be a perfectionist about it. I have a number of clients that have a very specific way they want to do things when it comes to thank yous. They are usually time consuming and the person does not have the time to do them. Because of this, they end up not doing anything! Forget about perfection if you have to. The point is to let the other person know you appreciated something. Even a phone call while waiting at the grocery will work! My parents still have a recording on their voice-mail from 3 years ago when my son left a verbal thank you. It makes them smile every time they replay it.
Good luck!

By: Nataly

Nataly — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:27:06 +0000

OK, have to report — you guys inspired me and I am making progress. Wrote 3 notes last night and had my daughter sign her name this morning after breakfast. Have 6 more done already - yay! - and have prepared envelopes, with addresses and labels for the rest. Will get done by end of week at this rate.

I was raised in Russia, where we didn’t send or give thank you notes — but there presents were usually opened right in front of the person who gave them. I do think it’s a nice way to teach my daughter good manners — just wish I could have an extra hour during the day to get it done!

By: Jan

Jan — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:47:46 +0000

I always learned that if you thanked a person in person, you didn’t need to send a note. So if you have a party where the gifts all get whisked away on a cart and the kid opens them later, then notes are required. If the kid opens the gifts on the floor in the living room while all the other kids sit around saying, “that one’s from me!” and you say, “oooh, [sidewalk chalk, a doll stroller, Incredible Hulk slippers]! Cool! — what do you say?” and your child dutifully repeats, “Thank you!” as she rips the tissue paper out of the next bag, I say that counts.

I bought a rubber stamp that says “Thanks a Bunch” and periodically I buy packets of white card & envelopes. We make doing the notes into an art project (my kids are 4 and 2 1/2).

Also, I received a thank-you recently from one of my 4-year-old’s classmates that was a pre-printed form postcard like this:

Dear _________,
Thank you for the ______________. _____________________________.
From ___________

and you know what? At first I was a little taken aback, but you do what you gotta do, and I did appreciate the acknowledgment of the gift.

Nataly, if making time to write paper notes isn’t happening, I say you write brief emails. Apologize for the delay, say your thanks and then LET IT GO.

By: Bridget

Bridget — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 23:25:21 +0000

I was raised to always send a written thank you for any gift, whether it is for birthdays or christmas or graduations. And I’m teaching our children that they need to do the same. It is a lot of work on the part of the parent but so is teaching them to say out loud the words “thank you” which doesn’t happen the first time you say it to your child but it does sink in over time. Writing someone to thank them for their gift or to their teacher to say thanks for a fun year, those will sink in as well and be second nature to them as they get older and you won’t have as much to do with it soon. But for now, find another 20 minutes of your day to teach them that it is a nice gesture to say thank you in a written form, too. It is so nice to receive a written letter these days that the simple thank you letter for the birthday party will surely be appreciated.

By: Renee

Renee — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:32:43 +0000

Thank you notes are an acknowledgment that someone else, who also may have family issues, medical issues, work issues, etc took theirvalued time and devoted it to going out and selecting, buying and wrapping a present for you or your child and took a few hours out of their day (that they could have used for cleaning,packing, doing their taxes) to focus on you and celebrate your event.

The VERY minimum you can do for such a person is to grab a pen and write a three line thank you note, stick a stamp on it and put it in the mail. It takes you less than one minute per card, but it tells the recipient so much about how much you value the time they gave in gift selection, wrapping, party attendance etc.