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My husband and I have one daughter, who is four years old.
At this point we’re not planning on having another child. I never say never for anything in life — having learned enough lessons — but it’s not in the short-term or long-term plans.
When people ask me when we’re having another (and I’ve noticed that it’s almost always “when” and not “if”) I say that we might just be done with one. This is usually greeted with utter surprise or treated as a joke. “No way, really?!” (Unless of course the question is asked by my parents or grandparents, in which case the answer is greeted with a long lecture about how they need another grand/great-grandchild or how crazy we are to not have another great kid like the first one.)
But a few times in the past year when I said that we’re likely having only one child what I heard back wasn’t just surprise, but judgment, and harsh one at that. After we moved I went to a new OB, who was taking the usual medical history when she asked me what our plans were for more kids. I said that I wasn’t sure we had those plans to which she responded by telling me about all the benefits kids gain when they have siblings and the difficult only children that she knows. Mind you, how this had relevance for my pap smear I don’t know.
Then there was a mom I’d met at a networking event. After I told her that maybe one is it for us she proceeded to tell me about a friend she has with one child who constantly tells her how much she regrets it.
Or our neighbor, a mom of a grown only child, who doesn’t miss a chance to tell me that I am making a horrible mistake thinking about just having one.
I try not to let what strangers say get to me too much but to be honest, I am getting really sick of this. Why is it such a crime to only have one child and why in the world is it anyone’s business to talk to me about my family’s size?
In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that I am an only child. I have as many “issues” and idiosyncrasies as the next “normal” person, but for the most part, I think I am fairly well-adjusted, non-narcissistic, non ego-maniacal, thoughtful and caring person. I point all of this out not just to pat myself on the back — although it feels nice — but because these are some of the many qualities I’ve been warned about when I say that we might just have one child.
I just wrote a paragraph about some of the reasons my husband and I think we might just have one. There was something in there about the fact that having one and juggling not just our careers and interests, but our own relationship, has been very challenging and something about none of our families having great sibling relationships. But I deleted it because I don’t think I need to defend or explain our choice. If I said we’re thinking of having two kids no one would ask me why.
The thing is, while we think we will only have one, I am extremely conflicted about the decision. Having a sibling could definitely benefit our daughter, now and later in life, and I feel a lot of guilt about not giving her a sibling. Having more than one kid would reduce the chance that we become over-bearing parents who put too much pressure on her. Hey, it might even be good for me because it could cause just enough chaos to force me to give up my anal-retentive planning and perfectionist tendencies once and for all.
But it shouldn’t matter. It’s nobody’s business to question the number of kids my husband and I will have or to tell me horror stories about families with only children. Just like it’s nobody’s business to question why I work or why another mom stays home full time, why I breastfed for only six months or why my friend didn’t do it at all. These are extremely personal choices and I really wish everyone else would butt out.
Which, of course, doesn’t answer my questions: Why is it such a crime to consider having just one child?
This entry was posted on Sunday, July 6th, 2008 at 10:03 pm and is filed under Family, Relationships/Marriage, Work/Life Balance, Your life.
Tags: family size, having only one child, only child, only children
July 6th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I think the real crime would be having more than one child because you feel you “ought to” rather than because you want to.
July 6th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
I couldn’t agree with you more!!! For the LONGEST time we said we were NEVER having another one. I’ve learned to never say never!! Because my ‘never say never’ is sitting on my lap right now! LOL
But, I heard all the same things you are hearing. It used to really bother me that people didn’t give us more credit than that.
July 6th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I totally agree with Lylah. I swore off having kids after my first, then something hit me. I wanted another child, first I was in denial and then I admitted to myself that, the reason I am taking those pregnancy tests after only being late a day is because I am secretly hoping that I am pregnant. So I had another kid. And it is really really hard. (although I shoulddn’t say that to Lylah, she has five). Now people tell me if I will have a third. NOOOOO.
My question is, is having a sibling really a benefit? Think about how many brothers and sisters that really don’t have a close relationship after they grow up and get married and have their own lives.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:34 am
I think no matter what kind of family dynamic you have, there are always going to be judgmental assholes out there questioning it.
I have four children. The first two were boys and it was like a broken record when I was pregnant with my third child that people would say, “you HAVE TO have a girl this time” as if my boys were second class citizens, or there was some sort of perception that your life will only be perfect if you have both sexes of children. I almost wanted to have my third boy in a row just to piss people off. I didn’t, I had a girl, then another girl and I think everything worked out how it was supposed to, after all.
You probably will get the “when” question until you seem old enough to be done having kids, and I don’t think people are being insensitive when they ask that way, it’s really just a conversation opener. But if they act like you’re a freak for keeping your family a one-child family once you tell them, then they move into asshole territory!
July 7th, 2008 at 7:07 am
It is definitely no one’s business but your own, and people who question your decision or lecture you on their own views are way out of line. I will say, though, as the mother of two girls just two years apart in age, that I believe one of the reasons people go on and on about having more than one child is that for many of us the joy of watching our children interact with one another is so intense–and was so unimaginable before we had our second–that we feel the (inappropriate, of course) need to be zealots and try to convince everyone else in the world to experience that joy as well. Totally impolite and inappropriate, mind you. But truly–for me, the work of having two is extreme, but the extra love and joy brought into our family by our second child far, far outweighs it. There is NOTHING like watching my four-year-old and two-year-old hug each other, dance with each other, kiss each other’s “boo-boos”, or sit shoulder to shoulder “reading” books. They are each other’s best friend and it’s a dynamic I never could have appreciated before having baby #2.
Bottom line, though, is ALWAYS that it’s no one’s business but your own! For all those rude people know, you may have medical or financial constraints that make further child-bearing impossible; and even if you didn’t, it’s none of their business.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Ugh, I hear you. I have a 3.5 year old daughter and she will be an only for many reasons. When people ask, I just say I’m an only child and an only grandchild and I’m carrying on the family tradition - since that’s pretty unusual, it usually shuts people up.
Like everything else with parenting, you do what is right for your family and not everyone elses. End of story.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Well for the record - I’d be happy to network with you and I won’t question your choice in how many children to have! We have one, by choice and have addressed the posibility of having more so I am 95% reasonable to say we will never have another.
I am the youngest of 4, we all live within 1 hour’s drive of each other and have large families - parents each the youngest of 5. I love my family, as does my hussband who only has 1 sister in the country, with whom he does not speak. My siblings are important to me and I’ve made sure that our son has a lot of opportunity to form a close relationship with his cousins, for lack of siblings. Ironically though if you say anything to my son about brothers or sisters he will reply I DO have them, and proceed to tell you . . .a sister in france, a sister & brother in Brazil (now in Boston) and a brother in Germany.
We’ve been fortunate to be involved with the Rotary Youth Exchange program, each of the kids we’ve hosted some for only 2 months others for almost a year, well they ARE my son’s siblings. and I suspect always will be. Each has been back to visit, we exchange emails, birthday cards , chiristmas gifts, etc.
Is my son scarred for being an only child - just the opposite in my opinon, he has so many opportunities and is loved by so many people - what does it matter?
Another route - very straight faced reply, are you having sex at least 5 times a week . . . well why not? It is just as personal a choice and question as MY choice to have children!
July 7th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Tell the critics that it’s greener to have one child. That should earn you some points these days!
July 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
We’ve talked about this before, and this is an entirely personal decision that there should be no need to defend. That is, the number of children one has - assuming they were all wanted and by choice - should NOT have to be defended, whether it’s one child or six.
I think that Sunshine has a point about the “when” question. In some cases, it probably is idle conversation, and may keep coming up until you appear to be past the child-rearing years - or until your one child is old enough that people figure you wouldn’t want to start over again.
I eventually got to that last point. My only child turns 24 this week, and by the time he was in his teens (and I was still in my 30s then, BTW), most people assumed that he was “it.” I’d always been pretty sure he would be “it.”
I think that part of it is also that one-child families just aren’t the norm in this country, and many people just aren’t comfortable with what’s not the norm, so they try to push their viewpoints on others.
I think that if one is comfortable and secure enough with one’s decision - always easier said than done - it helps one shrug off a sense of being judged or pressured.
Still, as everyone else has noted, it comes down to what’s right for you and your family, and it’s really no one else’s business.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
My sister and I have a very close relationship. Just yesterday, I talked to her on the phone for an hour about nothing in particular. Just sisters catching up.
That being said, she still says she would have been ok with being an only child. There’s an eight year age gap between my sister and I so she had a really good feel for life as an only.
Your family will be happy no matter how many kids you have.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
There are certain personal things in every mom’s life that people feel not just the right, but the responsibility, to question you about. They include:
-When (not if) you’re getting married
-When (not if) you’re having a kid
-When you’re due (and if you’re excited/ready for it)
-Are you breastfeeding?
-Are you going back to work?
-If you’re going back to work, who’s going to care for your child?!
-When (not if) you’re having another one!
I’m sure the list goes on, but this is my personal list so far. It gets OLD.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
This really resonates with me. I have an almost one-year-old daughter, and I have spent the past 11.5 months deflecting questions about when I’m having my next one. People didn’t even let me recover from the first delivery before they were asking about the next one. We currently have no plans to have an additional child. Like you, I hear disbelief - nearly shock - when I tell people that I think I’m done with having kids. I agree with what Susan said - people really feel like all of those questions are somehow their business. Lord knows I have heard them all from various people, and interestingly, never from my mother or my in-laws - it’s from people whose business it really ISN’T!
July 7th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Okay, I admit, I ask my cousins *if* (not *when*, but if doesn’t really concern me, either) they’re planning on (more) children. So far, three of them have kids and one of them is pregnant again with her second child (the sixth great-grandchild for my grandma). I ask, because those cousins are really much older (mid- to late 30s) than my sisters and I (early to mid 20s) and we don’t have much to talk about and the kids are just so cute.
It’s weird though - my younger sister asked our oldest cousin not even 3 years ago (our cousin must have been 36 or 37 then) if she planned on having children and my sister told me that our cousin completely broke down and cried and that her whole life was kind of falling apart then. She dumped her indecisive boyfriend of most of her adult life a bit later, found a new guy within a very short period of time, got pregnant just as quickly, they’re married now, their baby girl’s going to be 2 in January and I’ve never seen my cousin so happy. Of course, now she’s almost 40 and everybody in the family wants to know if and when another baby’s coming, but on the part of us younger and childless cousins it’s just curiosity, no judgment, we just want to have cute little babies to cuddle at family gatherings without the responsibilty of actually raising them. Just because we’re not yet ready to have some of our own doesn’t mean we don’t like them.
(I do realize though, that it must be very very annoying to have everybody pry into your personal decisions. I’m still at the “when are you going to move in together/get married?” stage with my boyfriend and that’s annoying enough…)
July 7th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
My 3.5 year old will be our only. I’ve found it useful to tell folks who question this, “we’re nearly outnumbered at one, but we’re making it.” I haven’t met anyone who will tell me that having more than one is easier - generally what I hear is how exponentially harder having two is.
Another answer, “When my husband agrees to be pregnant, deliver the child, and stay home to raise him or her.” Delivering this with grace, charm and a smidge of irony tends to move the conversatin along…
July 7th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
As the mom of one child (with no plans to have another), I’ve heard these comments so many times. There are no guarantees that if you have more than one child that the kids are going to get along.
My experience with my friends who are only children is that they tend to make friends easily and consider their friends as their extended family. My son at age three would go up to kids he didn’t know on the playground, introduce himself and ask them if they wanted to play. He’s had no problem making friends and I think it’s because he’s been forced to be more social.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I adopted two girls close in age and I’m reminded every day that it was probably the best thing I have done / will ever do for them - and for me. The gifts they give each other are amazing.
That said, it’s your business what you do. Try not to let people’s comments / questions bother you. They don’t know how you made your decision, so why should you care what they think?
I feel the bigger problem isn’t other people’s judgments, but our vulnerability to them. Nobody else can make you feel bad without your permission.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
We have an almost 3 year old daughter and am fairly certain she will be it. It’s hard, damn it! Though I strive to be the perfect working mom…have all my little ducks in a row, remain patient and well organized at all time, keep my sense of humor…and some time for myself and my husband, I do struggle. I know that there is a large part of us that is just selfish and recognize that we do want/need some time of us, but I’m also selfish in regard to the fact that I really just want time with her. Right now she is ridiculously fun and I want to enjoy that, not be distracted with a baby.
Yes, the decision is an individual one, and we are pretty happy as is. I like the way our family looks right now…
July 7th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
People amaze me. Un-believable. Great topic, and I think the answer to your question is that parents are expected to be perfection itself these days, and the perfect family means 2-3 kids. And moms, in particular, bear the brunt of the rude questions and comments just because we’re the ones who are expected to be 101% besotted with motherhood 24/7.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:16 am
We get this question frequently. My husband and I have one child together and he is 7. My husband also has a 15-year-old son that is only with us in the summers (and it is awesome when he is.)
I get REALLY irritated when people tell us we are hurting our son by not giving him a sibling. When I remind them that he DOES have a brother, I have even been told “well that does not count.” To which I reply, I believe God disagrees with you. That of course ends the prying and I go on with my day.
It is no body’s business but your significant other’s and yours. I had said I was never having children EVER. Then I met and fell in love with a fabulous man. It was actually when I realized that I wanted to have children with him that I knew I loved him!
All that being said, “One and I’m done, unless God has other plans” is my mantra. I don’t say it because I did not get along with my siblings. (I love them dearly.) I don’t say it b/c I’m “afraid.” I don’t say it b/c of all of the other goofy reasons that others ask. I say it b/c it is right for my family. I don’t feel ashamed for it, nor do I allow others to question me for it.
When I have nosy people that ask me those silly questions about our choice for number of children, I politely remind them that I do not pry into their personal choices and I’d prefer that they respect my choices. If I want their opinion, I’ll ask.
Everyone that chooses to have a big family or a small family has different things that they focus on. I did not say good or bad, but DIFFERENT. That is what makes this world so darn interesting!
When we talked about having kids, we both agreed on what we wanted our child to be able to have in life. (This conversation also included my step-son and not wanting him to feel left out!) As a mom, I want to be able to attend ALL of my son’s school functions, not have to choose between different ones. I want to be able to have a solid focus on his school work at home rather than trying to juggle a million things. I want to be able to frequent cuddle/special time just he and I. I did not want to feel guilty for not doing something for one of my children. And so on and so on.
Since my son is an “only” most of the time, we also made sure to have a strong focus on empathy, sharing, kindness, teamwork, etc. in our household. I did not want a spoiled only child. I don’t have one! Teachers and his friend’s parents give us great reports. We had to work harder to make situations for him to learn things vs it naturally occurring, but it works for us.
Bottom line, regardless of if you have 10 or 1, be comfortable with the decision you made and ignore the rest.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:11 am
[...] Nataly Kogan over at Work It, Mom! wrote a post the other day posing the question “Having Only One Child: Why is it Such a Crime?” While neither of us have found the answer, it is interesting that the “heir and a spare (or two)” philosophy is still so ingrained in our culture. [...]
July 8th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Children are not potato chips, you can have just one.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I have two children (three years old and three months old, respectively), and man, some days it’s REALLY HARD. I love them intensely and I’m not complaining, but I’m telling it like it is. I can’t even imagine being presumptuous enough to pressure someone else to take on this load just because I did.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I think for the most part folks are just trying to make conversation and look for common ground. I don’t know why some are less concerned for privacy than others. How many children you have is between you and Hubby. We have three and are ready for more and get chastised regularly for attempting to have a large family “on purpose” especially “at our age” (hubby will be 40 in august). What do they care anyhow??
July 8th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I have only one child. She is a happy, healthy girl getting ready to start kindergarten.
As you say, it is a personal choice and sometimes the choice is made for you.
As long as you do what is right for you and your family, that is all that matters.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
how funny - i just fielded this question three times today. My son is 2 and everyone wants to know when the next baby is coming along. my typical answer is ‘as soon as someone volunteers to pay for daycare’ which usually does the trick
people mean well, but man have they got this one wrong!
July 8th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
My daughter just turned 3 in June and I hate it when people ask me this also. I understand people just making small talk, but you never know people’s situation. I cannot have any more kids, so asking just to have something to say is pretty insensitive in my opinion. So is trying to talk people into having more kids. I wish people would stick with you usual kid talk when they need something to say…..’she’s so cute’, ’she’s tall for her age’, etc… Leave the personal stuff alone.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I am sick to death of this question. I have an amazing two year old, whom I love to death. He will be an only child because medically, I can not have anymore children and quite frankly, I do not want anymore. He’s all I need.
What is super infuriating is when people tell me that I have to give my child a sibling or he’ll end up strange/deranged. As if children with siblings don’t grow up to have issues. And don’t even get me started on the heir and the spare mentality…ugh.
People should learn to respect others decision about child-rearing. Plain and simple. Or at least keep their opinions out of my womb!
July 8th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I think almost everyone gets the same amount of crap about family size, customized for their decided-upon family size. I can report on how it goes as you go up in family size:
One-child families get the crap you describe. Two-child families with one boy and one girl are the lowest on the crap-receiving scale, but if both children are the same sex it’s “Don’t you want to try for a [other sex]?” Three-child families get a combination of “We’re stopping at two, thanks!” and “Once you have three, might as well have four!” Four-child families get a lot of “You’re done NOW, right?”
Five-child families (and this is as far as I can take it from personal experience) get “Are you kidding??” and “Are you…Catholic?” and “Are you crazy?”
July 8th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
As an only child married to an only child with an 11 year old son who will be our only, I’ve heard all the judgments before. I even got the cold shoulder from my gynecologist once she realized I was done with childbearing. I became a less interesting patient.
We are fortunate to live in a prosperous country which gives us the ability to choose our family size. Too bad everyone can’t respect those choices!
Keep up the good work and don’t let the turkeys get you down. Onlies are great!
July 9th, 2008 at 9:58 am
It’s refreshing to read this discussion and I thank everyone for their opinions. I am the mother of an almost 4 year old and I get this question a lot. My family has stop asking (thank goodness) but I get the question a lot at work. I usually get the “you need to give him a sibling” argument, which is so strange to me. I love children and if my life situation was different my choice might be different, but being almost 36 and employed full time with a husband who has a rotating work schedule, this just works for us. I think there are equal benefits and challanges with raising an only child, an bi-racial child, an adopted child, or many children at once, etc. It’s hard to make this choice in the first place and it’s even harder not to second guess your choice with so many extraneous opinioins. But when I am really honest with myself, I know this is the right choice for me and my family.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I just want to say how heartened I am by this great, thoughtful, non-judgmental discussion — and how much food for thought you guys have given me. I am wowed:)
July 9th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Well, I also have an only child who just turned 4. I also get asked sometimes about if and when I will have another.
This is a hard one for me to discuss, but needs to be discussed.
I had problems before I had my son, and after I had my son I had more problems (physically).
In November of 2006, I needed to have a hysterectomy.
Right after I had the surgery, the Rabbi came to see me (yes, at Beth Isreal you get a choice of what religion you are and if you would like a visit), and he told me that children don’t always come from God.
Do what is right for you, and feel blessed to bring life into this world. If other people ask me, I just say, I am blessed to have the one.
If you have gynelogical issues, and want to discuss, just let me know…I will be here to listen.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Thank you for this discussion! We currently have a 4.5 yo DS who is so silly right now, I love him to death!! DH and I have been debating trying for another, and most days I find myself leaning toward the opinion that we are good with one. Since DS is starting kindergarten in the fall, the day care bills will only start to decrease, and he is very easy to travel with. He is a relatively easy going child, and doesn’t know if there is anything missing by being an only child, and what is wrong with enjoying alone time? Why chance it and rock our nicely sailing family boat?? And whose business is it anyway regarding what our decision is? The nerve of some people stuns me!
July 9th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I have to admit that I have not been harrassed by this question as much as others have. Although my husband does like to ask people when they will be having another child and then it backfires. We have a 13 yearl old son. He is kind, generous, compassionate, respectful, and loving. He rarely gets in trouble and we feel blessed every day to have him in our lives. Being a mom has been the most rewarding experience of my life, but being an aunt has also been equally rewarding.
It is okay to have only one child but it is also okay to have 20.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
We have a 3-year-old daughter. I lost a 10-week pregnancy in March 2007 and then lost a son at 5 months due to a fatal birth defect in January 2008. I just turned 40. I am not sure I can ever face being pregnant again…people ask me regularly when we are having our next child. I have tried to deflect it, but now I say, “I may not be able to have another”. Then they feel terrible, as they should. It is NO ONE’s business how many children you choose to have. It is a shame that people think they have the right to ask or comment on your personal choice, and that they don’t stop and think before they speak.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I know people with more than 1 child who had children for all the right reasons, and have joyful, loving homes. Unfortunetly, some people have more than 1 child because they think that’s what they are supposed to do, and that seems to be the type of person who is quick with criticism about those of us who have an “only.” I refuse to address the issue with anyone but family members with whom I am close, which does not include every member of the family!
July 10th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I have a five-year-old who is mine, and want to adopt a second, but the adoption procedures and the policies of some of the agencies with respect to age has made it impossible and a foreign adoption is just too expensive.
That said, as much as my son wants a little brother or sister, I like being able to do a little bit more for him because I don’t have the expense of a second child. If I had two, it would be public school (which are perfectly fine where I am) and not the private Catholic school where he is now. Not to mention my daily schedule would be crazier.
I love kids, and would love a second child, but there are advantages to having only one.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I can completely resonate with this article. I have one 5 1/2 year old son, and I am constantly asked about when we will have another one. It did take me 2 years to have him, 2 miscarriages, an ectopic and a baby who died in utero. People truly need to realize how children are miracles and this question hurts me, b/c I personally am fearful of losing more babies. On the other hand, i feel complete guilt about not having another one, but this is my decision. My son has love, friends and many “surrogate” cousins, brothers and sisters.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I am SO interested in all your thoughts (potato chips–can I use that?). I recently was invited to blog by Psychology Today magazine on the topic of only children. The blog is called SINGLETONS and has and will talk about the concerns and issues of onlies and parents of onlies. A bit of what was mentioned in comments is in a blog or two already. But there’s lots more to say as we all know.
Here’s the link:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons
I hope you’ll visit often and leave comments there, too. If there’s a specific topic or conern you would like me cover in a blog, let me know.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I believe Ann Landers crafted the perfect rejoinder to intrusive questions that you don’t wish to answer: “Why do you ask?” It isn’t sarcastic or nasty, but I think it does make the other person realize that (fill in the intrustive topic of your choice here!) is none of their business, and gives you a painless parachute drop out of the conversation.
I’m the stepmother to a wonderful “only” who’s off to college next month. Why would anyone worry that onlies would somehow be traumatized by not having sibs? Last time I checked, the world is FILLED with kids, cousins, friends. Unless onlies are imprisoned in solitary confinement in a Russian archipelago, they’ll learn the social skills they need.
People who “need” others to have more than one child (to justify their own choice, maybe?) strike me as the same sort of people who never quite evolved past the peer pressure and conformity of high school.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
It is your perogative to only have one child. My original plan was to have only one child, but things changed. No one should dictate or be judgemental at the decision YOU have made. People should think before they pass judgement.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
You cannot satisfy the public.
I was single - they wanted to know when I was getting married.
I was married - they wanted to know when the child was coming.
I had one (many yrs later)- they wanted to know when the other was coming.
I now have 2 girls - they want to know when the boy is coming.
He ain’t coming!
July 10th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Oh my, did you ever hit a nerve here!
My thoughts? Whenever someone asks me “when” we’re having another child, I simply smile and ask them, ” Are you asking because you want to write me a check every month to support the cause?”
That usually shuts them up in a hurry!
July 10th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Of course, all of this is an echo of my experiences as a first time mother of a 13 month old. Just like so many other roles in our lives, I have come to realize, we are constantly categorizing others and being subject to be categorized the same. I believe it to be our job to protect our boundaries when we feel they are being permeated. Therefore, rather than allowing any shame, guilt or other 2nd hand emotions to arise in me, I have learned to answer, “Do you really have to know?” It is our responsibility as parents to provide the best environment we can for our child(ren)’s happiness, but first and foremost, it is our responsibility to be happy parents first.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Our son is turning 2 this month and the questions are pretty much relentless at this point about when we are having “the next one.” There isn’t going to be a next one. We had to go through 7 months of fertility treatment to have my son, I had a rough pregnancy and then we nearly lost him just before birth. My husband is a loving, patient and understanding man, but on the cusp of 40 he is saying “no” to more kids. And as a working mom watching some of my peers nearly lose their minds trying to cope with two kids, a job, a husband and a house, I am inclined to agree with him.
However, as Shama said, you cannot please the public. No matter what you are doing with your life, someone thinks you should be doing something else.
My husband grew up an only child and he is one of the most generous, sensitive people I have ever met. I have a sibling I never speak to because he is one of the most dysfunctional, selfish people I have ever met.We were never friends, even as children; our relationship as children consisted entirely of fighting, which sometimes escalated into serious physical injury. I have very, very few positive memories of my brother at all, and now the only reason I know where he is or what he is doing is because my mother tells me unsolicited. People who think that giving their child a sibling (or two) will ensure the child has friends and someone to rely on to make tough decisions as parents age is really making a LOT of assumptions about their future child’s innate personality and the dynamic between their children. My brother will never be of any use or help to me in caring for our parents as they age; I will be just as alone making those choices as my husband will be in dealing with his mother. I do have a wide circle of close friends who I rely on in times of trouble who probably will be there to help if I need them. My mother, who has 4 siblings, ended up pretty much caring for her aging parents by herself at the end of their lives, and her friends have been much more supportive of her than her siblings have been.
We are going to encourage our son to develop strong friendships, but also to be independent and free-spirited. He has a very strong personality, so I don’t know that he would be the type of person who would benefit from a sibling even if one came along.
At any rate, you cannot win this battle with people who have figured out the perfect way for you to live your life for you. My husband’s response to the people who exhort us to have more children is “we got it right the first time and don’t need any do-overs.” Not terribly polite, but usually shuts people up.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Its so funny — people are just plain nosy!!
When my son was 2, we were asked constantly about a second child. Then we ended up having twins…and enjoyed the dynamics…so we had a 4th!
NOW…all I get is comments on the fact that I have TOO many children and how do I cope, and why did I have another one after the twins…blah, blah, blah!
It doesn’t matter what you do…people will comment!
I agree with all of the previous posts — you do what you are comfortable with and what works for your family and thats all that matters
July 10th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I ask for the same reason I ask any other question, curious and like to find a commonality.
I may have a little bit of prejudice because my mom always wanted a second and couldn’t have another and was really upset about it. But the thing that lingers with me is the terrible terrible divorce that my parents went through. I am the only one who knows what it was like. I am also the only one who can take care of my mother now. The burden falls directly on me to care for her when she can’t. Siblings are not always close, and one could be estranged from the family, but it would have been nice to have the possibility.
I just had my second and it is such a joy to see my oldest interact with him. There are dynamics that I never experienced. I’m glad I’m able to at least witness it.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
While I concur that it is nobody’s business about how many children you have, I think that it is mean to have only one child and chose not to do it. I am an only child as is my husband. I can not tell you how many years I wished for a brother or a sister. I looked around and saw my friends with a special sibling relationship, I was/am envious.
Now that I have to take care of my mother and after the death of my father and both of my husband’s parents, I had no sibling to talk thing over with. Sure I have cousins and friends, but it isn’t the same. And now that my mother lives with me, I am the only one to care for her.
Since both my husband and I are only children, my children do not have aunts or uncles or cousins.
Plus, when you are an only child, you can’t blame a mess or breaking something on your sibling!
July 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I think there are advantages and disadvantages to any number of children. The people I really feel for are couples who choose to have NO kids! You know they’re getting it with both barrels!
July 10th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I’m sure my daughter would be thrilled to have a live sibling to go along with her 2 imaginary ones. But we’re done.
I think about Pidge being our sole caretaker when we’re in our dotage. And I wish she could have help shouldering the burden. But all I can do is try and make it less of a burden: plan in advance, make sure we’re financially secure, etc.
Someone once told me you should only have children if it’s absolutely necessary. Pidge was absolutely necessary. But aside from a strong case of baby fever right before we were about to move across the country, I haven’t really had the desire for another.
I don’t get much grief about only having one. My family is silent on the subject. There are benefits in being descendant from Norwegian farmers.
And strangers and acquaintances rarely go beyond asking if Pidge is my only child. I think at my age (41), most people assume I’m done anyway.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I can totally relate, and in fact, my current blog post on motherhoodlater.com is about this very subject. I invite people to read it and learn my story.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Having faced the same question over and over again, my usual frustration is with those who thinks it is their personal mission to convince me to change my mind because they either have more than one child or are working towards having number 2. I love children. I really do. I love my daughter to no end. If it is in the cards, I would readily embrace the experience, however, as of today, I am happy to stop at one. Thankfully I have a stepdaughter who is much older than my daughter, but does it matter? That is her sister and they love each other dearly so I am blessed and can feel comfortable with stopping at one with no regrets. And for the record, what other people think does not influence me one bit.
July 11th, 2008 at 1:05 am
Our daughter is turning 3 next week, so we are getting the “when are you going to have another” questions ALL.THE.TIME. I am an only child, so I have always said that I would like to have 2 kids. But, here I am … a full time working mom, primary bread winner of our household … having only one kid is looking better and better. I am exhausted with the life I have now. I would prefer to have one child and give her a great life than have two and give them a mediocre life. I am not having the “urge” to have another … at least not yet.
July 11th, 2008 at 2:00 am
hi Nataly, I felt your exasperation over those comments.It’s really stressing to listen and feel tired over matters that other people especially close ones think that it is their duty to remind us of decisions we have to make in our lives. Hey!it’s our choice and we are the ones responsible for own decisions …people are people , they always feel it’s their job to point us out what’s missing or lacking or even what’s sooo extreme!
The best answer? Just smile sweetly and say God will give you in time additional adorable kids so it’s for them to wait with you when will it be. Mwahh!!
July 13th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Hi,
Sometimes you have to wait a bit and see what your only child is like. Watch his/her personality and find out if they’re the kind of child that “needs” a sibling or not. I am 46 years old and mother of one 12 year old. I can give you pro’s and con’s of both sides from my point of view, but my son can also give points of view from his side. His social personality likes to have someone, and he asks me about on a regular basis. I thought I was ok about the decision to have only 1 child, but my son is making me 2nd guess the decision. I am too old to have another child now. Anyway, my best advise is to watch your child, and see how their personality develops.
July 13th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I’m an only child and look how I turned out.
Wait…don’t run away…
July 14th, 2008 at 12:39 am
I say it’s all about how you feel about your decision. If you’re 100% comfortable with your ability to make your own decisions, other folks opinions will not affect you … literally. The fact is that their opinions have absolutely no weight in your life, so why bother having an emotional response to them? Some of them may not be judgemental, they just have their own set of opinions … which don’t apply to your life. I don’t think it’s personal. And this is coming from a mother of one. I get the same comments and for some reason they don’t phase me at all.
For the folks with less tact … the ones that believe that your business is their business … tell them to mind their business. That’ll fix it. LOL.
Ignore everyone else. Change the subject.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
My husband and I are of a certain age.
We have only one child.
She just turned 9 and is, as one would expect, the love of our lives.
We didn’t intend to have an only child. It just happened this way.
That is why it is so hurtful when acquaintences ask, “So, when you gonna have another one?” or, more appallingly, when strangers say “Why don’t you giver her a brother or a sister?”
I imagine these people had great experiences with their siblings. They see us with this little person and wonder if she’s bored. They want to ensure my daughter is happy, well adjusted, not lonley…
What these people need to know is, often times, families only have one child because of health issues. Families like ours.
We embarked on a roller-coaster ride, a quest for a sibling for my daughter. This ride took us to high-highs only to leave us, ultimately, at the ground floor — with the answer that my daughter would be an only child.
We’re good, solid, fine. My daughter is happy and has many friends and cousins to play with.
So, folks that mean well, please hold your tongues.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I think if you write a blog about it you are inviting people to get into your business. Now they will even more tell you what they think you should do. As to your OBGyn - you should def switch or give her a talk, that’s really none of her business.
As always, people cant just generalize everything; not all only kids are spoiled and rotten, and not all multiple siblings are well adjusted and non selfish.
I am an only child; the typical one BTW. I am inconsidered, dont know how to interact with people the right way, I am selfish, I am rude and if I dont get my way I will raise hell - growing up I was miserable; my single Mom was working full time and I stayed by myself from age 7. I had no one to play with, no one to talk to, and later one became EXTREMELY clingy towards my “best” friend. I got extremely jealous if she wanted to hang out with other people.That was at age 9 until TODAY. I am 27 now and I still dont like sharing my best friend. I have a 18 months old Toddler now, and my husband and I are planning number 2 as we speak. I will not let my daughter grow up to be like me; I am the prime example why people should have at least 2 kids.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I am a very happy mother of a 13 year old girl who I think is the most wonderful child ever. She is an only child and she will remain an only child barring something accidental happening. My husband and I get asked all the time from relatives and complete strangers as to when we are going to have another. I can accept it from family, I just shrug it off and tell them how well my daughter is doing. But people can really be judgemental. We decided that having more children would be a financial stretch for us. I also had so much trouble in delivery that it made me think twice about it. Whatever the reason it was my choice and at least I THOUGHT about it. No one is questioing all these mothers having 4 & 5 unplanned kids they cant afford to have that are NOT well adjusted and are just total brats running around unchecked. I can usually just dismiss the person who grills me about my personal choice but it really hits a nerve sometimes.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I do not understand why everyone is so offended. I was an only child and am very happy with that, but I am not offended when people ask me if I have any siblings. It’s just people trying to make conversation. I can understand being annoyed or offended if they are pressuring you, but simply to ask? I am also a cancer survivor. I suppose I could be offended whenever anyone mentions what my plans are for the future, because I might not be here in another 5 years, but that’s ridiculous to get upset. Spend less time dwelling on how “offensive” all of these comments are and enjoy your child and your life!!
July 16th, 2008 at 4:15 am
[...] read the Work It, Mom! blog fairly often and a recent post caught my [...]
July 16th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I am the mother of four girls, have one sibling, and am married to a man who was an only child. I will say that in my situation it is difficult for him to understand the natural sibling rivalry. The girls are pretty close in age and if you have been around kids at all, know that kids fight. He doesn’t understand the fighting, competitions, natural kid things that go on. It sometimes causes us problems. I don’t believe it was just because he was an only child, but there are many times that he seems very selfish. He always feels that all the attention should be on him and that he is getting neglect because I have so many kids to dote on. I know this is because not only is he an only child, he was and is mommas boy. The attention he got everyday, not including birthdays and Christmas, is unreal. I believe that if you have an only child that is fine, as long as you don’t raise them with the same attitude as my husband apparently was raised with. It actually is very hard to live with now because of the lack of attention he gets. The lack of understanding he has towards sibling interaction, and the lack of understanding he has towards my relationship with my brother. My brother and I are very close and he has gotten upset about the time we spent together. So while I can understand only having one, I do feel it is unfair for their lives later. However, I do believe it isn’t your choice, no it is not a crime, just be careful how they are treated because it can cause problems later on.
July 16th, 2008 at 10:40 am
sorry it is your choice, really didn’t mean it wasn’t. of course it is your choice, and a choice you yourself should make.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I am an only child. It is not a good idea. You have no one to share the pains of growing up with; being disciplined and handling the brunt of over-bearing parents. The child feels alone in all of it and will feel treated unfairly. In the end - what is most important? - your family. when mom and dad pass, whether close or not, the siblings will have each other. whether a mom wants to have one child or not - it is selfish if she decides to have one and not want another. it’s not for her, it’s for the child.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I know nothing of what you are speaking about yet I know exactly what you are speaking about. I do not have the desire to one have one child, because I have 5. However, I do understand exactly what you mean when you say you get unsolicited and unwanted advice from friends and strangers alike! You say that you get ridiculed for the desire to have one perfectly healthy and happy child- A decision that only you can understand and make for yourself. On the other hand, I get ridiculed for having “to many children.” My family and some friends are not exactly supportive. Have you ever heard of a grandmother saying she didn’t want anymore grandkids? Yeah-me neither until I lived it. So, my advice would be to just put on a happy face to all of those extremists out there who are unhappy with their own choices so they must degrade everyone else. But you will do what is best for your family and you should be comfortable with your decisions, because it is nobody’s life to live but yours!! Live it!!
July 16th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind this week. I have a daughter, she is 22 months. I think I have been asked at least twice this week when are we having a second baby?
Why is it everybody’s business? I am still in limbo as to if and when. I think I would like my daughter to be closer to three years old if I were to get pregnant and have the second.
But the point is that I am so happy with my daughter, she fills my heart with so much love. I would be so happy with just her. But theres always the doubt that I am being selfish, and that she needs a sibling. I am so close with my two sisters we talk every single day.
So would I do it for her or is it for me? Its has totally consumed my head this whole week. I wish I had an easy answer. I just don’t want to be so selfish and love my daughter all by herself and have regrets later.
All in all, I just wish people would stop asking. I never do that to anybody. Even closest friends. It is a personal decision I don’t know why everybody feels they need to weigh in on other families lives.
Thanks for hearing me out!
July 17th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I do agree with Florinda - I think anything outside what is considered normal makes people uncomfortable. Perhaps it makes them question their own “normal” choices, or they are secretly envious of someone who doesn’t play by the rules. And in nearly every situation like that, the person who is uncomfortable or envious of your choice feels the need to put you on the defensive.
I say ignore them and do what is right for your family.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
We receive the same pressure, so I totally understand.
I just disregard them, or I point out how we both need to keep working to continue with our lifestyle. I can balance that with one child, and feel like I’m not failing him too horribly. With two, I think I’d feel like I was failing them both in attention, by still having a career.
This is a personal decision, though, and everyone feels differently. This is just how I feel about it - for me.
As for why people have to share their opinions, it is human nature, and I just do the best I can to allow them their say.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
People can say rude and thoughtless things.
I have almost four year old twins, and people always go on and on about how hard it must be, how sorry they felt for me, how glad they don’t have twins, etc.
I planned on having an only child, since I am an only child.
I loved being an only child, and I still do.
When I spend time with only my son or only my daughter, I am amazed at how EASY it is, and how intimate.
I can not resent having twins, that would be crazy. But I am clear that having only one child is a much easier, and in some ways a more rich and intimate experience.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Hi, I know it is hard at times…but just don’t mind those people that judges you.
I have 3 Lil ones ages 3, 4 & 5.
I have been looked at and people are just mean..rude! and would say things that wow, so you never stopped having babies..huh! what was that?
anyway, no matter how many you have 1, 3 or more…there are always people around us that can’t just mind there own business =)
July 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
You know I understand this pressure. I have a 4 year old daughter myself. My husband and I are confilicted about having another child. I love my free time with my daughter and I wonder how streched I would be if I had to share that time with another child. Also babies are a lot of work and I am starting to get my life back. I don’t think it is a crime to just have one but never say never!lol
July 17th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
If you think it is tough defending your only child decision, try telling people that you and your husband won’t be having any. We not only get shocked responses and lectures, very many people react as though we are not decent human beings. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard or overheard “What kind of people don’t want children?”
I think it is better to have just as many children as you think you can devote the time and resources toward raising, be it one, ten or zero.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I am an only child, and haven’t been traumatized in the least. I now have a wonderful husband, who is the youngest of four. We come from different family structures, but find ourselves oddly similar, in spite of our sibling count.
My first baby is due in a few weeks, and quite frankly, I hate being pregnant. We want others, but may end up adopting them if my mind doesn’t change about pregnancy.
It’s your decision as to whether or not you want more kids. I want a houseful, but that’s me… not you.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
as the mother of 7, yes, seven, I get a lot of annoying questions too, you have to do whats best for you and your family and don,t mind the silly people. there is nothing worse that having another child - just to please someone else. all children should be loved and wanted from the start. so my thoughts are have one or more, Its your choice! just love however many you have.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I can totally empathize! My husband and I have a 4 yr old son. He is our world. It also took us 2 1/2 years to conceive him. And a troubled pregnancy and an early delivery. Thankfully, he is healthy and a joy. I wanted another one right away. Then reality set in and the glamour faded. Sleepless nights, repeat ear infections and being torn between home and work takes a toll. We thought of having another at 2 but my husband was still in school. there was no way we could have a second on just my income. so we waited until he finished his internship and graduated. Now, we’re pretty sure we’re done. but why does everyone looks at us like we’re crazy. I have the same worries. Are we going to regret it later? What if something happens to him? Are we crazy putting “all our eggs in one basket?” People don’t understand the emotional, mental and financial burden getting pregnant for him put us through (there were two miscarriages before he was born). I have my reasons enough, so why is it that I need to explain them to everyone. And even with all that I get the “well you know it’s a miracle what dr’s can do these days.” Our parents are understanding (although I secretly think they wish for a miracle). we did try to get pregnant again for about 4 months and we quickly realized the toll that it was taking on our relationship. There’s nothing romantic about counting days and taking temperatures and getting injections. It just wasn’t worth it to us. We have a healthy, happy family and we feel complete. I’ll always second guess if we did the right thing. But I’ve also talked to people who had a second child and said they’d wish they’d stopped at one. It takes a certain type of person for a “large” family. I’m just not that person. I was an only child until 16 and loved it. My husbands only sibling is mentally handicapped. He wishes often he’d been an only child. In the end, you just have to make the choice that’s right for you and to hell with the rest of the world. When someone asks me when we’re having another, I tell them as soon as they are paying for fertility, daycare, insurance and college. Usually shuts them up!
July 17th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
My son is an only child. He’s now 14 years old. He’s the sweetest, smartest, most well-adjusted child there ever was… and this is after I divorced his father when my son was 3. He’s never been at a loss for friends or extended family.
I was one of EIGHT kids, and my mother one of FIVE… neither of us had a happy childhood. I am close to only ONE of my siblings… out of EIGHT. The one that I am close to has SIX kids, and she is happy as can be. So in my opinion, it just goes to show that we each do what is right for us individually, and it works out in the end.
When my son was 6, he asked me for a brother. When he was 7, he thanked me (and still does to this day) for not giving him one. He loves being an only child and thrives on it. We have a great relationship, and he has great relationships with his father and step-father as well. The lack of siblings has not affected him in any negative way that we can see.
It’s nobody’s business but your own. Only you know what is right for you.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Oh my gosh! There are some very sensitive people on this board. I am a mother of one I do not feel offended if asked this question. People are just trying to make conversations (they probably don’t even care) - it is like asking “how are you doing” and they really don’t give a hoot. To the people that can not have any more - the person asking does not know your situation so how is it insensitive? I honestly feel some some single child parents are having guilty feelings and misplacing their sentiments on the asking party. However, if the asking party is going to press the issue after you have given your response, just change the subject for pete sake! That should send a clear signal. Just my two cents
July 17th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I don’t want children and I have to field the same questions and judgements everyday. I am so frustrated with society. When people ask my husband and I when we are going to start having kids and we respond never, they get this look on their face like we just shot their dog. children are not a requirement or a right. I believe as a society we have far to many un-wanted children just because of the preasure that is placed on couples to reproduce.
I could go on forever about this but I will keep it short
July 17th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Don’t let it get to you. Too many people sit atop there high horse and pass their ignorant wisdom to whoever will listen. I have four kids and can’t count how many people would ask…are they from the same father? Although my children are from the same father, it was the rudest thing to hear. As if they had to satisfy some judgmental curiosity. I never could think of a really great “in your face” come-back.
July 17th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
It’s not that it’s wrong to have one kid; and all that say otherwise have no right to comment about your choice.
But I do believe 1 is the hardest. Here’s my complete take on it.
1 is the hardest because you’re their sole source of entertainment.
2 is the easiest because they have someone to play with.
3 is like juggling balls; anyone can juggle 2 balls or 2 kid’s schedules, but it takes a lot of practice to juggle 3.
There is no difference between 3 and 8 kids. If you’re cooking for 5, you might as well cook for 10.
Notes:
A. Affording college for 4 to 8 kids does enter the equation.
B. I’m the father of 5 (in 6 years); and not Mormon or Catholic. Just love kids. All 5 are college grads (on my dime).
C. I’ve spoken to many moms of 5-8 kids, and they all confirm my 3-8 hypothesis.
Hope this all helps!
July 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I think the author missed the point of her own article….that being….it is NONE of ANYONE ELSE’s BUSINESS! Her best bet is to find a polite yet firm way of telling those who ask this intrusive question (inlaws aside, of course) that it’s not something she wishes to discuss.
I’m a middle-aged only child - and single, to boot! And believe me, I’m questioned all the time as to why “someone hasn’t snapped me up” yet. Well, my close friends and family know why I probably won’t ever marry, so the rest of the inquisitors are usually casual acquaintances or total strangers. So, if I feel like indulging them in my “I LOVE my single life” monologue I do, but most of the time I don’t so I just smile, roll my eyes, OR wink at them and say…”It’s a L-O-N-G story” and then change the subject. It works wonders!
Best to All!
-Fonteiyn
July 17th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I understand your frustration, and I believe that you should have as many children as you can handle emotionally, physically, and financially. Some people can only handle one, and that’s perfectly ok. Some people can handle kids into the double digits, and that’s ok, too. (It’s equally as frustrating for them to hear things like, “Don’t you know when to quit?”) It’s YOUR family!!!! PERIOD!!! They can do what they like in their own families and what works for you may not work for them and vice versa. God made us all different, and that’s good - it alleviates boredom!
July 17th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Tiger Woods is an only child. Look how he turned out.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:17 am
i know so many people that are only children and are wonderful people that had great childhoods (one is my husband, who grew up happy on a farm). i plan on only having one child for many reasons. it is absurd to me that people want to change my mind on this before i have even had ONE!
and you are so right, siblings don’t always get along. as long as kids have interaction with other kids, i dont feel that it matters whether or not they have siblings.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I had hoped for more than one. But, that was before it took me three years to conceive the first one. And, before the divorce. Now I’m glad I only had one. I don’t know how I’d make it with two kids on my budget.
I often worry that my daughter will end up somehow defective without a sibling. She hasn’t given up on asking occassionally if she will ever get a sister. She doesn’t want a brother, because she is now at the age that boys are “gross” as she puts it. But, she’d love a baby sister.
Well, maybe if I win the lottery. . .
Until then, its just the two of us.
July 31st, 2008 at 3:12 pm
It never ends, does it?
If you don’t have kids, people ask you WHEN (not if) you’re going to have them.
If you have a kid, they ask you WHEN (again, not if) you’re going to have another.
If you don’t have kids, somehow you’re life will be horribly empty. If you only have one kid, somehow THEIR life will be horribly empty.
I say we all just get hammered on some Jack Daniels and go sailing or something because apparently no of us can get it right.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:28 am
Right on Sister! =)
I am an only child (and only grandchild) and was very happy that way and grew up very well and well adjusted. My husband and I only have one child and I STRONGLY do not want any more (also never saying never, I still have time). I also get lots of criticism from strangers, friends, and even family who think we should have more. My SIL is the worst - she keeps saying “Mom wants a grandson” so I told her to have one herself and get off my back.
When will people learn that it’s NOT their choice and I DON’T want their input??
August 4th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
When someone offers advice on a topic that I did not request advice on I smile and say what is your pet peeve, mine is unsolicited advice? Of course, it is a bit rude, but I don’t say it unless I feel that are being cold. Example “wow, I really thought your looked better as a blonde”
I also have been known to use this trick, when someone asks me something I don’t want to answer, I smile and say “why do you ask or why do you want to know?” It will take them back and make them aware of the question they asked and generally they will change the question completely, it is fun to see people squirm.
August 7th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
It surprises me that people here are posting to have a second child “for the child”. Oh really? I have a sibling. We had a rocky childhood and it did not bring us any closer together. We haven’t spoken in 15 years. He was evil and mean as a kid and he’s the same now. So what good did it do having THAT kind of person as a sibling? It just made a bad situation worse. There are no guarantees in life. You can have sibs that are close, you can have sibs that hate each other. Giving your child a sib is NOT a good reason to have another kid. And having someone to help take care of you in your old age is an equally crummy reason. Even if sibs are close, one may live across the country and have no input into care of an elderly parent. I think it’s a lot of cr*p when people give those reasons. If you want one, have one. If you want two, have two. Beyond that though, it’s rather selfish from an environmental standpoint to have more. By 2050, this planet will be at 9 billion, way over capacity. That should at least be a thought in educated people’s minds - adopt if you want a full house please!
We have a wonderful 4 1/2 year old: confident, funny, generous, generally well-behaved. She makes friends wherever she goes, she shares with people and she’s not clingy or self-centered. She’s got cousins galore that she’s close with and she’s happy, so we’re happy.
People need to get off the Judgemental Bandwagon, and I really get that feeling more from people who have more than one - “oh you have one, that’s great, but more than one is ever so much better.” Yeah, well biteme I say.
To each his own!