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I recently spoke at a great conference for women entrepreneurs and there met up with a few of my friends who don’t have kids. One of them runs her own successful business and two are plugging away in the corporate/financial world. All three are in their mid-30s and I guess the clock is ticking because all three asked me the same question at some point during the day:
I am petrified about having kids and balancing my demanding career with being a mom — can you tell me the truth about what it’s like?
Talk about pressure. I mean, serious pressure. First of all, I think being a parent is like giving birth — it doesn’t matter how much you hear about the experience, you have no idea what it’s like until you actually go through it. (Someone told me that giving birth is like having really bad cramps…. ha!) Secondly, everyone’s experience is extremely personal and different. But most importantly, I think if you don’t have kids it’s impossible to understand how the joy you get from them can make the insanity, the stress, the exhaustion that comes with being a working mom worth it.
I am a horrible liar. OK, that’s a lie, actually, I am a pretty good liar when I want to be, but I didn’t want to lie to my friends. So I tried my best to be honest and tell them that yes, being a working mom has been extremely challenging for me, and yes, I am tired, exhausted, stressed, get little sleep, have not time for myself and little for my husband, and feel either guilty or like I am not doing a good job at whatever I am doing most of the time. And then I tried my best to express to them what I feel when I see my daughter run to me when I pick her up from school or watch her during ballet practice or hear her tell me that even though she loves her blankie very much I am still her best friend.
I know that my friends are sharp cookies and what I said is just a drop in the bucket of the many thoughts and feeling they will experience as they think about having kids and juggling work and family. But I keep thinking about what I said to them and I keep wondering whether I said the right things and the right way.
What would you say if a friend asked you to tell her the truth about juggling work and family?
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 2:15 pm and is filed under Balancing Act, Parenting & Family, Working Women Issues.
Tags: balancing work and family, becoming a mom, guilt, pregnancy, stress, working mom
July 17th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I have been there, and the truthful answer I give them is, “You can’t have it all.”
Parenting and having a career is a delicate balancing act, and most parents would agree that each area suffers a bit, due to the needs of the other area. There isn’t a magical way to find out what it is like, until it happens.
I tell them it can be done, though, just be prepared to sacrifice some things in both areas.
July 17th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I would say very similar things to what you are saying. First of all it is very personal and individual and depends a lot on a child. Second it definitely complicates life, robs you of your time and some activities and most likely sleep. Yet, everyone is complaining about the difficulties, but not enough people emphasize just how meaningful life becomes once you have a child. May be there just not enough words to describe the deep feeling of happiness, but it’s with you every day - when you wake them up, pick up from day care or school in every little things. Comparing my life before I had my son and now, sure I’m a lot busier, sure I spend a lot less time on myself, but then I’m just a much happier person and I didn’t have that before.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Teaching is so rewarding and valuable to me so its been very easy to feel okay about juggling both. Yes, there are times when it gets hard because there’s a late night at work or the kids have to go to dr. appointments and I have to take a day off. But…being a mom has helped me see a different side to teaching. What if all the teachers who became moms left the profession? I love that I can be a good mom and make a difference in the lives of children at the same time.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
To my friends who don’t have kids and ask what it is like I say, it’s not for everyone so you have to want to have children. Only have children if you really want them. I don’t think it’s just to bring a child into this world to a parent that does not want one.
Then I have friends who only have one kid and ask if they should have another one. My answer to that is, no. If you are a working mother it’s really really hard. (Although I have two and I am really happy to have two, my first child is a boy and second is a girl. I was delighted to have a girl and always wanted one).
They ask for my opinion and that’s what I give them, my honest opinion. They are not asking me to make a decision for them, just an opinion.
July 18th, 2008 at 12:15 am
I think you said it quite well. The one thing that hasn’t been said that has really struck me is that I’m “in love” with my children. I don’t just love them like a longtime love that is comfortable and familiar and all that… I’m in love with them in that crazy, even-their-bad-habits -are-adorable kind of way.
So all of the terrible, difficult times end up okay because I am madly in love with them. And don’t get me wrong, there are many times I can’t believe this is really my life–my kids are not easy-going by any means!
Before I had children, I had no idea that I would be in love with these little people. I thought I would do what was necessary, and eventually I’d get to that fond loving place… (FWIW, I had never felt I had to have children, although my husband did.) Anyway, no one thought to tell me that you fall in love with with your children!
Probably tells you alot about how I grew up: not a very affectionate household! These days, I’m thrilled and can’t wait for them to wake up in the morning. And 45 minutes later, I want them to go back to bed! LOL
Okay I’m rambling.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:32 am
what a fantastic discussion about the realities of being a mom, and working at the same time. you all are an inspiration to women surfing the internet.
July 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I think maybe for me, the strangest but most relevant piece of advice I was given is: “Don’t try to combine kids and work unless you really, REALLY like kids and your work.”
I think, like closet space, your capacity to do expands or shrinks to meet what you are required to do (which is different than what you are asked to do).
You give up so much of yourself to both places that honestly, both sides have to be worth it, worth the sacrifice, worth the endless cycles that you pour into them. If you don’t really like kids, don’t have them. If you don’t really like your job, stay home. Don’t ask what’s right for society or your sister or your friend, think really hard about what is right for you.
And if you’re a working mom-to-be, think long and hard about what your priorities are going to be and how you’re going to meet them. You can always change your mind, but if a clean floor is essential to your sanity, budget for it, with time and/or money. If gorgeous fashion is really, really important to how you feel, then make the time and money for that part of your life.
Just know that you can’t have it all (your resources of time, money and energy are about to have HUGE new draws), so think about what you cannot live without.
July 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
The joy, the stress, the gratification, the guilt, the balance….. It’s all give and take - but so is almost everything in life.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
spacegeek said “So all of the terrible, difficult times end up okay because I am madly in love with them.” I love this because I agree completely!
Nataly I think you said it all very well. It is different for everyone.
Another thing is that priorities change after kids. You can’t possibly know until you have kids how you will feel. You may worry about what kids will do to your career but after kids you may not care what happens to your career. I ended up transferring to a more slow-paced department where I could just work my 8 hours and go home (and taking a pay cut of course). I just don’t really care about work anymore and I don’t care that I don’t care. I have to work because we can’t survive with one paycheck but I don’t care about my work the way I used to.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
just have to add my 2 cents re: Vera’s post: she said working moms should think twice before going to 2 kids from one. I find the exact opposite to be true (as do my friends). 2 kids are SOOOO much easier once they get to a certain age (3ish). sure they have their tiffs, but more often then not they play TOGETHER and want nothing to do with me or my husband. heaven.
I work from home, in an established almost full time job that I did for 8 years before kids . . . and I think I’ve hit the perfect balance I swear!! I work for myself so can set my own hours in order to go volunteer in classrooms or do doc appts. I have a sitter come here a few afternoons but the kids know if the office door is open (90% of the time) they can pop in and see me or show me something. I do the rest of my work from 8-12 pm, with DH beside me who also works later, and we socialize and work at the same time.
I do get tired by Friday, but that’s what the weekend is for.
July 20th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I tell all prospective moms one thing: You better really, REALLY want kids before you have them. If you do, it makes dealing with all the challenges possible. If you don’t … God help you, sister.
Missed you at BlogHer, Nataly! Hope we can meet up sometime.
http://www.WorkingMomsAgainstGuilt.com
http://www.MrandMrsGetFit.com