       |
On Friday I was in New York, presenting Work It, Mom! to a panel of investors. (It was so much fun I can’t even find the words to describe it. Yes, I am kidding. Having a room full of people question every bit of your business strategy, ideas, direction and your own judgment pierces through even the toughest of egos and I don’t have one of those.) This was an event organized for women technology entrepreneurs so there were only women in the waiting area (they called it the Green Room and I called it the stress room).
I was talking to a fellow woman entrepreneur, telling her about Work It, Mom!, and in the spirit of we’re both working moms we know how crazy it is, asked her: “You have kids, right?” As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like a complete idiot. Why did I just assume that because she was a woman in her mid-30s who was wearing a wedding ring she had to have kids?
“Nope, I don’t. I’m actually not sure whether I’ll have kids,” she answered, and trying to both avoid an awkward pause and cover up my presumptive question I moved on to talking about something else. But I was really annoyed at myself. I HATE when people ask me when people ask when I am having another child. (Sure, I might read into those questions too much and feel judgment for having an only child when at times, it’s just a simple question.) And I should have known better than to make assumptions.
Another woman I met through work recently told me that she wasn’t sure she wanted to ever have kids and she hated feeling like some kind of a selfish outlaw for saying that to people. “I can’t believe how much people idealize becoming a mom. Why can’t I be a great human being without having kids?”
According to some statistics the number of women choosing not to have children is increasing:
The National Center for Health Statistics confirms that 6.6 percent of women between the ages of 15 and 44 called themselves voluntarily childless in 1995, up from 2.4 percent in 1982. And according to 1998 U.S. Census Bureau statistics, 19 percent of women 40 to 44 were childless, compared with 10 percent in that age group in 1976.
Obviously I am already a mom and so my judgment is entirely different, but I can conjure up many really good reasons to not have children: Less stress, less financial pressure, less mess, more sleep, more sex, more time to invest in your hobbies, interests, travel. When my childless friends ask me about having kids and want to hear the truth about how it’s changed my life, these are the things we talk about. (Of course we also talk about the indescribable joy you experience as a parent, the love, the warmth, the pride, the deepest sense of closeness that exists between a mom and a child. Or, at least, I try to relay these feeling without idealizing the parenting experience.) Deciding not to have children is like all other major life decisions — completely personal and unfortunately inviting of endless judgment and presumption.
Did you always know that you wanted kids or you weren’t sure? How do you feel about women who choose not to have children — do you think they are making a mistake they will regret later or to each her own?
This entry was posted on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 11:23 pm and is filed under Parenting & Family, Your life.
Tags: becoming a mom, childfree by choice, kids
October 5th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I always knew I wanted kids. I have friends who always knew they didn’t want kids. Each of us is a good person who is doing our best to make a positive mark on the global community. My best friend, who is childless, said that she felt that rather than expend most of her energy caring for one or a few kids, she felt better channeling that energy into making life better for hundreds, thousands, millions of kids. I appreciate and respect her perspective, though I personally never felt nearly complete, despite thousands of hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars spent helping others, until I had kids of my own.
So, in short, to each his own.
October 5th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
i agree with SLK - to each her own!
for me, i always thought i wanted LOTS of kids and was all about being mommy. Then when i had my first, and it was everything and NOTHING i thought it would be…and i missed work even though i was only home for 2 months. (that was completely unexpected!) and now i am struggling with the decision around more kids when, like Nataly, people keep asking when number 2 will be coming along…
October 6th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Growing up, into my teens, then into my 20’s, I never wanted kids. NEVER.
Now I have 2- and wish that I had not waited so long. I wish I had time to have a few more. I cannot even imagine my life without them- they are my everything.
I agree, it is a woman’s choice. I keep my mouth shut, but deep down I want to tell them they are missing out on something so great.
peace,
earthmama
October 6th, 2008 at 2:52 am
i’ve said this before, parenting is not for everyone. If you don’t think its for you, don’t do it.
Also, there is always that akward pause, when you ask someone in their mid 30s with a wedding ring about kids and if they don’t have any. I experienced this many times.
Just recently, at a networking event, this lady was talking to me about some facial product and how some women did well with it because of all the moms she knows. I then asked if she had kids, her asnwer was a quick no, but she avoided the pause and kept talking. I was glad.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:46 am
One thing to keep in mind is that some people want kids very badly but can’t conceive. Questions/comments about whether they’ve had kids can be awkward if not hurtful, depending on their personal struggles. A brief question is natural, anything beyond that with a mere acquaintance can be a very bad idea.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I didn’t know if I wanted kids until I found someone to have them with. My friends used to say “oh, you have to have kids Brenda, you connect with every kid you come across.” My simple and short answer was that I didn’t think having kids was a decision I could make on my own. If I would have fallen in love with someone who didn’t want kids, I would have been okay with that. I never had the “ticking clock” syndrome.
October 6th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
YES! Yeeees! You are so right. When people would ask me that I would absolutely hate it! I was very… okay … overly-sensitive about it because I had always thought I didn’t want children, then I got married and started to waver, then wasn’t sure, then changed my mind… anyway, so I just dreaded being asked about it. But now I do find it pops out of my mouth when I’m talking to 30-something women. God, how self-absorbed we can get - like if we can’t talk about our kids we have nothing to talk about or something??
However, as to your very charged question, yes, I actually am going out on a judgmental limb here to say that women who don’t have kids will regret it later. Just simply because you’ll wonder what you missed out on. Also, if you’re reading this and wavering like I used to do, just remember: 1) yes, it’s hard but everything that’s worthwhile is hard, and 2) if you waited till you’re 100% sure you’ll wait forever because nothing is ever 100% right or wrong, it just is.
3) Stop worrying that parenthood will take over your entire life. Er, yes it will take over most of your life, but hopefully you can reserve a tiny pocket for yourself. :)) And it’s not forever.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Well, I seem to be in the minority here, but I am 47, don’t have kids, and don’t regret it. I’m having a good life with my soul mate of 10 years, and we are happy just being aunts and uncles.
Parenthood is not for everyone, and the newest Census Bureau (2006) number shows that 20.1% in the U.S. are not having children, double the 10% from 1976. Although it’s difficult, more & more people are bucking the trend of parenthood.
I am writing a book called “Kidfree & Lovin’ It” and have an online survey that over 2,400 childless around the world have taken.
Here is the link for all childless and childfree who are interested in taking it:
http://tinyurl.com/Kidfree-Survey
And thank you soooo much for understanding that we don’t like to always be asked if we have kids, nor spend all our time talking about kids. We have other interests.
Thanks, and enjoy!
KidfreeKaye
http://www.kidfreeandlovinit.com
October 10th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Great article, Nataly. It’s nice to know that there are at least a few people out there who are truly considerate of other people’s choices about having children. A lot of the time, it really seems like there aren’t any.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
How would moms feel if we said to them “Someday you’ll regret being a parent?” Pretty presumptuous, isn’t it? I’m almost 50 and have not a second’s regret. I don’t wonder what I missed out on, because not one thing about parenting appeals to me. I’m happy I made the choice I did, so why is it hard for so many women to just accept that?