with Amy Urquhart
I’m Amy and I’ve spent the last three years trying to strike that perfect balance between being a wife, mom and professional career woman. I’ve decided that I’ll never perfect the art of “having it all”, but this blog is a chronicle of my attempts to continue to do so. I’m a blogger (my personal blog about Canadian home life is Hearts into Home), gardener, college instructor, wife to Graham and mom to Nate. If you’re also a working mom who finds there just aren’t enough hours in the day, I hope you’ll enjoy this column!
Read her blog at Hearts into Home.
A long time ago, my grandmother told me that I’d have to choose: I could either be sweet and well-liked (and make do with whatever the world decided to hand to me) or I could be aggressive, go after what I want, and be considered a bitch.
I didn’t believe her.
But she was right.
I had a pretty stark reminder of this at work some time ago. We were down a person, and the projects were piling up. One that was in pretty bad shape landed on my desk, and I threw myself into it 110 percent.
I brought it home with me and stayed up late wrestling with it. I devoted all of my energy to it at the office. I turned ideas and thoughts about it over and over in my head as I worked on other things. I fact-checked, I researched, I patched loopholes.
When it was done, I thought it was pretty good. Much better than it had been before, at any rate.
But… apparently, in being aggressive with the project, I had “attacked” it and been “too strident.” It seemed as if I “had an agenda” and wasn’t “impartial enough.” I shouldn’t have made the decisions that I did, even though they were clearly the right ones, because those decisions should have been made by someone higher up.
I really couldn’t win this one. If I had slacked and done just the bare minimum, the project would have been OK, but nothing great, and I probably would have been taken to task for not working hard enough. But taking the initiative to do more than what was required of me made me “strident” and “arrogant.” In other words, a bitch.
My hard work had worked against me.
What’s stupid of me is that I should have seen it coming; this has happened to me many times before. If I’m confident, I’m seen as arrogant. If I’m correct about something and don’t back down, I’m officious and I don’t know when to stop. If I’m aggressive, I’m a bitch.
Years ago, I’d feel horrible about it. Sorry, even. But you know what? I don’t, anymore.
On Saturday Night Live this weekend, in a repeat from the end of the writer’s strike, Tina Fey told the “Weekend Update” audience: “Bitch is the new black.” (Click on the link for transcript and video.) She was talking about the public perception of Hillary Clinton, but, really, what she said applies to any strong woman out there. “You know what?” she said. “Bitches get stuff done.”
The project got done, and got done well. If that makes me a bitch, well… I can live with that.
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