The 36-Hour Day
with Lylah M. Alphonse
I'm a full-time editor, a part-time writer, and a mom and stepmom to five amazing kids, ages 1 to 14. For me it's not about finding balance, it's about the daily juggle-- my career, my commute, freelance work, homework, housework, married life, social life, and parenting-- and finding the time to get it all done.
To learn more about Lylah, check out her Work It, Mom! profile and read her blog at writeeditrepeat.blogspot.com.
I didn’t change my name when I got married.
There are many reasons: I was in my 30s by the time I walked down the aisle, I already had a career in my own name, with a reputation and bylines and even a book. I owned my home and car and other things outright, and changing my name on all of those legal documents was a hassle.
But, most of all, I kept my name because it was my name — I was used to it, and replacing it with my husband’s made me feel like I was faking it, somehow.
When we were filling out the forms, in our tiny town hall in liberal Massachusetts, I teased my husband, telling him, “This is your last chance to keep your name, you know.” The sweet, older lady behind the counter looked like she might keel over from shock, and I felt like I had written “brazen hussy” in the “name after marriage” spot on the application.
About 90 percent of women take their husband’s name when they marry, and that’s more than before, according to a Harvard University study — in spite of the fact that the societal trends that led to women keeping their names in the past (delayed marriage, higher levels of education, and increased presence in the workforce) are the same.
So, why the change? Are working women, do we feel that’s a way to underscore our femininity? A way to bond with our mates? Or a way to highlight our link to our family histories — or to our children and our futures?
I kept my name anyway. For the record: My husband kept his, too, but I still think it’s hilarious whenever telemarketer’s call and ask for “Mr. Alphonse.”
Did you keep your name when you married? Why or why not?
Subscribe to blog via RSS
I hyphenated my name when I got married. It was a compromise to respect his wishes that I have his name, while still keeping my own. In retrospect, if I had it to do again, I would simply keep my own. The system is not made to deal with people with two last names. I can’t tell the endless run-ins I’ve had with official offices who tell me they cannot enter hyphens in the computer system, or who misfile my name, etc., etc. And then, there is the occasional person, upon seeing I have a hyphenated name, who feels compelled to say something like, “oh…you’re one of *those*.”
I don’t mind having the husband’s name for things related to our children or family, but in general, I’ve never liked the concept much. To me it reeks too much of antiquated notions of women as property. I had my own identity before I was his wife. I didn’t feel compelled to give that up simply because I got married.
Barbara | May 26th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I took the indecisive way out and hyphenated
Karla | May 26th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I added his to mine. I had a lot of professional contacts in my own name, so I compromised. The end result did give me some awesome initials — O.K.!!
Daisy | May 26th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I kept my name. I am an only child and we don’t have a lot of family in the US, plus I like my last name:)
Nataly | May 26th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
One thing about changing your name - get married more than once, and you may just have to keep doing it, since Husband #2 may not exactly be understanding about his wife still having Husband #1’s last name :-).
I married young the first time and cheerfully changed my last name - and since I was married for 18 years and had built my career with that name, I didn’t take my maiden name back after the divorce. When I married for the second time, I did the same as Daisy - added his name. At a practical level, I answer to either, both, or the combination. It gets a little confusing :-).
Florinda | May 26th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I hyphenated my name when I got married. I was already working and I liked my name. My original plan was to keep my name and not add his, but then I was talked into the addition by family who felt it would be easier for future kids in communications with schools, doctors, etc. Now that I have kids, I don’t think it would matter all that much. I agree with what someone else said, it would have been easier to just keep my name - my files are always being misplaced and receptionists never seem to know what part of the alphabet to pull my file from.
Jen S | May 27th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I took his name.
Reason #1: Changing it meant more to him than keeping the old one meant to me.
Reason #2: It gives me warm fuzzies that my husband, kids, and I all share the same last name.
I did briefly think of moving my old last name to my middle name, but decided I liked my original middle initial better in my signature.
Unexpected bonus: when I got pregnant, he said that since I had taken his last name, I should get to choose the children’s first names.
SoftwareMom | May 27th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I took his name, without much thought, honestly. He would have been very bothered if I hadn’t, I suspect.
Since then, I’ve given it some thought and I’m glad I did. To me it’s symbolic of the very real shift in world perspective. When we married, we went from being me (a part of my family) and him (a part of his) to us (our own little family unit).
FWIW, I don’t think it would have mattered to me WHAT name we chose as the common one, but I’m not one to buck the trend just for the sake of being different. (Also, my poor husband’s parents — it’s bad enough that he married a card-carrying-bleeding-heart-liberal. No need to add insult to injury.) I do know a couple from college who combined their last names into a new one and both changed to that.
I do wish I had dropped my middle name (wo which I had never felt particularly attached) and used my maiden name (with which I have a positive connection). I think that would have been a more accurate reflection of how I see myself. Jan, first and foremost. A part of the MarriedName family that now includes our two children. But also, maybe under the surface, but still there, a MaidenName.
Jan | May 27th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I was determined to keep my last name because I was also determined to not get married until I was into my thirties and had a great career under my belt. Instead, I fell in love and was married at 25 when I was only just beginning my career.
A couple of weeks before the wedding, when dealing with many different people over the phone, I became very frustrated that no one seemed able to spell Saucier, let alone pronounce it. That’s when I decided to change my name. When I told my husband I was taking his name he was thrilled. Today I’m glad I did it because he and his family are just as much a part of me as my own family.
Mandy | May 28th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I love reading what you all did and why!
One thing that does come up for me is the issue of my kids, my stepkids, and last names. I never correct any of my kids’ friends if they call me “Mrs. MyHusband’sName,” and both my mother-in-law and my own mother almost always address mail to me that way, but my kids and stepkids all have the same last name (their dad’s) which does make things easier when it comes to pull files at the doctor’s office and whatnot…
Lylah | May 28th, 2008 at 10:27 am
wow! i always looked forward to getting married just so i could change my name. i hated my last name! i trade up ever so slightly!
that said, my hubby i pretty laid back and wouldnt really care one way or the other. I think we both felt it was just whatever i wanted to do. i DID feel weird and a bit of a fraud for the first so many years we were married because i was just not used to the name!
Lastly, a woman i worked with and her husband had decided that since they would become a ‘new’ family when they got married - they should have a new name. instead of just picking one, they actually made one up and made sure it didnt exist anywhere yet. i thought that was kinda cool too!
Kate | May 28th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
We both changed our names- we now have a double barreled last name. When I said on the honeymoon I was nervous and maybe I should just take his, he said, “You can do what you want, but I’m changing my name!”
I do like having all the same name, and I’m thrilled he was willing to change his. Though it’s been just 10 years, I can’t remember what it was like when my name was different. He says when he sees his old name, it just looks wrong.
Kate | May 28th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I did not change my last name. I feel that, this is a name I was born with, this is who I am, why should I change that? And one day if/when I become famous, I want it to be with my original name. It does not make sense to some people when I tell them, but it makes sense to me.
Vera Babayeva | May 28th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Lylah — I took my ex-husband’s name when we married, and at the time I was proud to be Mrs. _____. We had three children and divorced 8 years ago. I’ve kept my married name so my children and I can have the same last name, but sometimes it really bugs me….
BlapherMJ | May 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I hyphened my name when I got married the first time and spent most days regretting it, so when I married again I took my husbands name. Why? Because I knew I was now married for life. I had found him and this was it and I wanted every one to know it.
Debie | May 30th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I was in my late 20’s before I got married and I was fully immersed in career mode. I’m also one of four daughters to my Dad, who is the ONLY son in his family. I also knew we’d have a family. And I had heard from friends who’d kept their names about how they’d have to EXPLAIN why their last name was different from their children’s. SO….I hyphenated!
Grace | June 2nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I’m in a delimia, I like his last name, but I don’t want to take it just yet. How do I keep my name, for now, and have the option of swtiching to his lastname later on. He doesn’t care if I take his name or not.
Mary | June 2nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Mary: You can keep your name for now and legally change it later in life if you want to — apparently, it’s quite easy to do (and not uncommon at all — Hillary Rodham only added Clinton to her name about 5 years after she got married…
Lylah | June 2nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
So I’m guessing here that I leave my maiden name on the marriage certificate, and later on in life I just Pay to change it?
Mary | June 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Exactly. As long as you’re over 18, you can legally change your name whenever you want to. Of course, a judge has to agree with your decision, and there are hoops you’ll have to jump through, but it’s not hard — and you don’t even have to go the legal route right away if you don’t want to… you can always start using your husband’s last name socially and make the legal switch later.
Penelope Trunk has a great post about changing her name on her blog, Brazen Careerist. Here’s the link: My Name Is Not Really Penelope.
Lylah | June 4th, 2008 at 9:56 am
“Reason #1: Changing it meant more to him than keeping the old one meant to me.
Reason #2: It gives me warm fuzzies that my husband, kids, and I all share the same last name.”
Ditto that. My husband is much more enlightened nowadays, however, and I don’t think he would mind if I had kept my name. In fact, I think he would be thrilled if our daughter one day marries and chooses to keep our last name.
My sis and BIL both changed their last names to a new one, which I thought was AWESOME. His family threw a fit. And, oddly enough, he had quite a hard time of it at the courthouse in this post-9/11 world. Give me a break! He’s a philosophy professor, not a terrorist!
Robyn | June 5th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I was very excited and honored to take my husband’s name. My last name has nothing to do with my profession or with my stage in life.
K. Cleaver | June 18th, 2008 at 1:25 am
I am very new to this whole getting married thing… excited but also so scared to death!!!
So many changes that have to be dealt with… I never really gave the whole name change much thought until recently only because I was always told that “taking your husbands last name was the decent and right thing to do”… I’d love to have his last name, but my goodness!… it sure is one heck of a procedure and can be costly!!! Would love any suggestions anyone has to offer… how can I change my name and do it inexpensively?
Dana | June 19th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Help! …. Can I get my name legally changed to my fiance’s surname but still use my last name on all my documents until I am ready to actually TELL that my last name changed. For ex, my license, car insurance, social security….. ect.
Talya | June 20th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I found this interesting because my mother did not change her name so she had a different last name from me, which I always found weird. I’d make her sign stuff for school with my last name to avoid questions.
But now that I am getting married I don’t plan to change my last name, and realize why my mother stuck to hers.I’ve been this person 25 years and getting married doesn’t change that.
I hope my kids will have an easier time than I did though
Uma | June 25th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I considered keeping my maiden name when marrying but in the end I just didn’t see the difference. Either way, I’m labelled with the last name of a male lineage of one man’s or another. After all, my maiden name wasn’t from my mother’s family it was from my father’s family - wasn’t yours? I love this new trend of newlyweds creating a name of their own that is neither His nor Her Father’s. But you know the best part? The best part is that we get to choose for ourselves. We have more acceptance than ever before in history to make these types of personal choices. And as we make these choices we set an example of happiness and self respect for our daughters to follow. To me, that just rocks!
Donna Okronglhy | June 29th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I kept my name for many of the reasons you mentioned (minus the book!) It was my name, I liked it and my husband really didn’t care. There was a point where my kids thought that if a married couple had the same last name, it meant that they were brother and sister because most of the married couples they knew had different last names.
Marinka | June 30th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
After a year long fight to keep my maiden name–my husband!
At first I wanted to change my last name, but somehow I let myself convince myself that it was a link to my family heritage. It was a part of my Puerto Rican heritage and I wanted to keep it for the sake of my children knowing this “side” of themselves, but I finally changed it because my children will know who they are regardless, my husband said he would be “honored” for me to have his name–lol and I get a secret pleasure at telling my in laws ha-ha..just kidding. NO, but my decision to take my husband’s last name was because I wanted us to have a whole family unit last name and all….
shay | July 12th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
My husband and I had long discussions about this while we were going out. I kept telling him that my name was not his name. I just hyphenated my name. I am glad I did. My brother and his brother married a Debbie talk about a hassle I thought that I left in grade school.
Anyway, now I mainly use his name on everything except legal documents (those of which are alway hyphenated.
Debbie | July 16th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I have been married for two years now, and had intended to change my name, but then just couldn’t bring myself to do so. I also married in my 30s, had established myself in a career, and the full name that I have been called since birth…..just feels like me. If someone calls me by my husband’s last name, I don’t correct them, and enjoy that they have combined our names in that way for the moment. I think it is also a direct connection to my father’s parents, my parents and sister (who also did not change her name after marrying) that I want to keep.
natalie | July 17th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I’m just confused. I have a son from my first marriage. I want to take on my husbands name since I am married again but worried that people won’t know that my son is my son due to a different last name. I also have a lot of items under my first married name..work, legal docs, etc. Not sure I want to hyphenate b/c my new hubby would really like to see my first married name disappear.. any suggestions?
Leanna | July 21st, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Leanna: If taking your new husband’s name is very important to you, then I’d suggest hyphenating. Unless your son is going to be changing his last name, too, your new husband will just have to get used to your son’s last name, right? So why not let him deal with your sharing your son’s last name as well as your new husband’s? Seems fair….
Lylah | July 21st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
im filipino and married with korean…my baby got my husband last name but i didnt.my husband told me its their culture but im still confused.
jane | July 25th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I married for the second time at age 54. I had changed my name to my first husband’s name but changed back to my maiden name when we were divorced. The second time I had not planned to change my name again, it felt so good to me to have my own name back. But my husband insisted and so I relented, making my maiden name my middle name, intending to use all three. To my utter dismay and frustration, society would not let me. It refused to honor all three name and insisted on reducing my real name, my maiden name, to a mere initial. I was horrified and grief-stricken. It became one of the biggest bones of contention between me and my husband, a grief to me that he refused to understand and had zero compassion for, only feeling peeved and angry that it hurt me so much to lose my identity that was tied up and represented in my own name. To those who question it, let me tell you that my own name represents a thousand years of traceed family history, while his only a couple of generations. He knew that, and still insisted and withheld any comfort or understanding. Not surprisingly, the marriage didn’t last. I am divorced again, and me again, and regardless of whatever happens in the future, I will NEVER again relinquish my own identity and lose my name. And any man who would ask or expect me to, knowing what it means to me, has no right to ask for or expect my love either.
Chris | July 31st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I didn’t change my name when I married - either time! Neither my first husband nor my current husband have any issues with it at all. My first husband’s family didn’t like it, but then again they didn’t like me.
We have two children that have my husband’s last name, with my last name being one of their middle names. That works for us, but my husband now says he wishes we had thought more about that and had perhaps given our son my last name. (Great guy, huh??)
rb | August 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
jane: I know in several cultures — I’m thinking about my married friends in Puerto Rico right now — it’s usual for women to keep her name, and for the children to get two last names, one from each parent. Maybe it’s that way in your husband’s culture, too?
Chris: Thank you for sharing that with us, and giving us a chance to learn from your lesson. What a good point — anyone who can expect you to compromise yourself on a basic level like that should not expect your love.
rb: Wow, that’s so rare! Cool!
Lylah | August 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I kept my name when I married. My name meant a lot to me and my husband was indifferent on the subject. I recently had my first child and she has her daddy’s last name. I was just wondering if anyone has had issues or situations with moms having a different last name from their kids.
Nicole | August 25th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Wonder how many men take their wife’s name when they get married? My ex-husband took mine, and I’ve been regretting it ever since!
Dana | August 27th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
So, about my long last name….
When I got married I added my husband’s name to mine, but added a de instead of a dash.
So now my last name is Volterra de Saulnier, and yes, the lady at the Registry of Motor Vehicles warned me that it would be a difficult thing as it wouldn’t fit on any card/license/etc…
No, I was stubborn and didn’t listen, and now I have 12 aliases….
Oh well, it’s just a matter of time before I become famous, and I won’t have to change my name again…
Yes, I did give my son my husband’s last name, and not my full last name…I couldn’t bear to give him that torture.
Gia | September 4th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I took my husband’s last name, and kept my maiden name as my second middle name. He is the only son of the only son of his grandfather, so its up to him/us to keep up his family name, so looking towards the future, I want our children to have his family name, so that it can continue in his bloodline. That said, my last name is significant in that it highlights my hispanic heritage and I fully intend to give each of my children my maiden name as their second middle name, so that they may also carry a bit of my hispanic heritage with them. Although, the fact that I have two middle names seems to boggle even the most sophisticated of minds, I like it and it makes me feel special to have 4 initials.
Christine | September 5th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I’m proud that I didn’t change my name. Yes my daughter has her dad’s last name but what I’m still her mom. And she’s not going to get confused of who I am…
I have my career and that’s who I am. I find no reason whatsoever to change the last name.
It’s just amazing how difficult it is for people to understand that….I could wear tatoos, have pink hair and nobody would ask me why I did it. But whe it comes to the last name oh my!….
Zelma | September 11th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I kept my name when I got married 24 years ago. I was young and didn’t have a career yet so that’s not my excuse. I just didn’t like a system in which the women always have to give something up. If it were every other person or based on alphabetics or something but I just thought it was unfair.
My husband did not care. I asked him “Would you like to change your name to mine? ” and he said, “No.” and I said, “then you won’t mind if I don’t change mine.” and that was the last we discussed it.
We have three children and they all have his last name. It has caused very little problems. I answer to my own last name or Mrs. Ludwig whatever people call me.
There is no real practical argument to change it–anyone who needs to know knows we are married and the kids are ours. It’s really not terribly confusing for people to have to remember two last names and people seldom ask me about it anymore.
One fun side-affect…when we travel for his business our name tags have different last-names. I like knowing people are wondering if we’re dating when we’ve really been married for so long. It’s kind of funny.
Judy Z | September 12th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I didn’t change my name because my husband does not own me and I do not need to be “branded” by his name. When people ask my advice on this issue, I tell them to ask themselves this question: Why is it that husbands are not pressured into changing their names?
It’s because of “tradition”, yes, but it’s a tradition rooted in oppression and ownership of women. Considering it in that light usually makes them think of it a little bit differently.
Ariella | September 23rd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
My honey and I have talked about this. Im keeping my name. If we have a son I think he wants him to have his family’s name. To carry on the name or something.
I see no reason to have his last name. Seems odd to me.
I changed my last name when I was 25 to my biological fathers last name. My mother’s maiden name was her evil step dads so i didnt want that.
Its a pain to change your name. Everything from a passport to the title and registration of your car. I have a house now and a masters degree plus a reputation under my current name. What a pain to change it all.
gwendolyn | September 24th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I’m getting married soon and keeping my name I’ve had for 28 years…….. I found this forum because I didn’t know how. I mean…How do you Not change your name? I downloaded a South Carolina form requesting a license…and there is no place to indicate status quo. Am I confused..Yep!
Charlotte | September 27th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Thanks for your wonderful comments, everyone! It’s so interesting to read about all of our different experiences…
Charlotte: As far as I know, the quickest way to keep your own name is, on the marriage license, to simply write your current name in the space where you’re supposed to put what your name will be after marriage. So, you’re not indicating status quo, per se, but you’re specifying that the name after marriage is the same as the one from before the marriage.
Congratulations on your marriage!
Lylah | September 28th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I’m so glad to read all of the different perspectives.
I have a weird situation because I’ve been an athlete all my life, and I’ve also had mostly male friends - the result is that everyone, including my fiance, calls me by my last name. So, in a way, my last name is more my identity than my first.
At the same time, I don’t want to be the odd man out in our family. I like the idea of my husband and our children and me being the “XXXes”.
For a while, I considered getting rid of my first name altogether, but let’s be honest: that’s bizarre. Plus, I think it’s nice to honor the name that my parents gave me. At the moment, we’re still undecided, but I’m thinking I might just make my last name my second middle name and be very, very pointed in saying both of them whenever I’m introducing myself.
And since I’ll be the type of mom who lets her kids’ friends call her by her first name, they’ll just call me “Wiggs” like everyone else.
Elizabeth | October 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I was hesitant when I got married. I was in my late 20’s and very happy with my identity; but I decided to hyphenate especially since my husband was not on board to change his name to mine.
Yvonne | October 16th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
I too got married in my thirties, but I took his name. He would have been fine if I kept mine, but I truly like the idea of having the same last name as my children. When my best friend got married her husband felt no connection to his name and took hers. I thought it was great. When I told people I got some raised eyebrows. We should just do what works for us. Legally it is a pain to change it. We also bought the house before we got married, so my maiden name is still on the deed because I am lazy. I better get to that.
Christine | October 20th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Keep in mind that the reason that you have the maiden name that you have is more than likely because your mother took your father’s last name when they were married.
Just something to think about….
hbuggie | November 3rd, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Wow - I’m sitting here with my marriage license application form waiting to be mailed since my wedding 3 months ago and stuck in this name-change dilemma. My husband and I never discussed the name thing until after we were married. Only then did I realize how strongly he feels about my taking his name and also how difficult it is for me to drop mine.
So there sit the forms and here i am on google, asking the world wide web for help, and here are all these great personal tales!!
I hear the feminist thing but don’t relate to it. My husband always strives to make me happy, so why should I deny him those things that are important to him? To keep my name despite his feelings would be naive and stubborn. For me it’s not a problem of adding (I’m honoured and giddy about sharing this name). It’s a problem of denying. My last name is a hundreds-year long story. In a way, by adding I’m also adding to that story. But hyphens are annoying and both our last names are long and strange so I wouldn’t want to use both last names. So I’m leaning towards turning my maiden name into a middle name (which I’ve never had) and taking his last name so that I can have the option to use mine when I need to (my career was built with this last name, and that’s important to me).
It’s not the most graceful string of words but neither is our story and ‘aint nothing wrong with a beautiful disaster like this.
Thanks everybody!
Maral | November 4th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I eloped in college and had a lot of scholarships to my name so I kept it. I figured I could always change it later if I wanted to.
Well, it’s been almost 4 years now and I have not wanted to change it. I am very proud to be from my family, and that last name identifies me with everything I have accomplished as an individual, as a female, in my field–software engineering. I do like my husband’s last name, so for the sake of “tradition” I will sign Christmas cards and such with Mr. & Mrs. HubbyName.
It helped that neither my parents nor his batted an eye at my decision. (^_^)
renevague3 | November 4th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
I chose to keep my last name. As one woman stated in an above post, “I feel that, this is a name I was born with” and I feel the same way. It never occurred to me that I would ever change it, and I’m glad to have found a spouse who is completely supportive of my decision. If he were bothered by it, I would know that he wasn’t the man I was meant to marry. I recently read an absurd article that said a woman who doesn’t take a man’s last name is not ‘committed’ enough to be married. It is difficult for me to believe that even in 2008 women still face scrutiny and criticism for essentially wanting to keep her identity. I chose to be true to myself rather than give in to tradition.
Lisa T. | November 6th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I was more than happy to get rid of my last name! I liked is much better. Easier to spell and pronounce. The only trouble is that he was married before with four children who all have his name. The ex-wife kept his name too. We were unmarried when I had my daughter, but married when we had our son. So of my husband, his ex, their four children, our son and me, we all have his name….my daughter has my maiden name. She feels so left out and sad about this. Teachers would send notes home saying “your daughter keeps writing the wrong name on her papers, can you talk to her about this?” In her heart and mind, she is just as much a _____ as her dad and I, so she writes it as such. I plan to change her last name before the start of the next school year.
Jaye | December 24th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
…And furthermore, I am who I am regardless of what my name is. I don’t believe your name changes who you are as a person, it just changes what you are called. If my name was Jaye or Polly Pocket, I would still be me. It meant a lot to him that I change it, and I was more than happy to oblige him!
Jaye | December 24th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I kept my name when I got married because it is important to me to maintain my identity and I *like* my last name,
This is especially important to me as I’m the only member of my family alive to carry on the name and I wanted to give it to our children (which I have) so they can (hopefully) carry it on as well. It’s also much easier as a physician to have a easy to pronounce last name!
Elizabeth | January 24th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
I’m engaged & this burning issue is really starting to bother me. I don’t see why I should take his name - as others have commented it’s antiquated & realtes back to times of dowries & women being looked after by men so they’d be able to create children. I really think it’s sexist. Plus I don’t want to lose my family history & have no interest in taking his name. Why can’t HE TAKE MY NAME????
But this (sort of understandably) offends him, because of some underlying issues about me being tied to my family & not being interested in joining his (very lovely) family. Presumably me taking his name would deal with that but it seems like something I’d resent him for.
We can’t hyphenate as I’ve already got a double-barrel (perhaps that’s why I want to keep it - I like the unusualness of it). Perhaps we could take half my name & add it to his? Or just come up with something new?!
The only possible reason for changing his name is to have the same name as my children (again, why would they have his name & not mine???). Hmmm… some diplomacy required here I think!
julietdh | January 27th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
In my previous relationship I had 2 kids and they have two last names, mine and there dad…but the dad is no longer in the picture and I want to take off his last name from my kids hypenated last names. Would I be able to do that, even though the birth certificate and social security card his both last names?? Would it be too much hassle, also because the fact that schools will ask why the names are different??
Oulay | January 30th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Not married but as a young girl me and my sister said that we would never change our name. As a grown girl lady I think I would hifinate.
Tenyia | February 15th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I am not personally a big fan of hypenated last names - although I know a could who BOTH hypenated their last names so they share the same last name(cute idea)I did a 50/50 I LIKE my maiden name but I really felt that I wanted to take my husband’s name - I’m a bit old fashioned there.
SO I dropped my middle name and made my maiden name my Legal middle name then added hubby’s last name. And when I have brain fade and sign my name w/ my maiden - I just keep writing and no one is the wiser!
Pammy | March 18th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I kept my last name because I was born with it as well. I got married when i was 29 years old and have half my life already established. To me its a big hassle that I dont want to go threw as long as I know I cant get into trouble by the irs and such things im ok with my own name, besides the only thing that really matter about marriage is the fact that you and your spouse went before god and commited your selfs to each other.
Tawanna Collins | March 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Amen!
Signed,
Angela Harris-Yoosuf
Woman in Transition | April 2nd, 2009 at 11:07 am
I took my husband’s name, but often use my maiden name as a middle name. I have a friend who hyphenated, but so too did her husband. He was a Smith (names changed to protect the guilty) and she was a Jones (again, names changed to protect the guilty). She became Jane Jones-Smith and he became John Smith-Jones. All very confusing, if you ask me. The children have Dad’s last name.
ElleBee | May 1st, 2009 at 4:05 pm
The custom of a woman replacing her maiden name with her husband’s family name is very auspicious. The custom sustains the strong and sweet feeling of oneness and unity among the family members. It also reveals the adaptiveness, sanctity and sacrifice of a woman. It also helps to recognize a person in the society as “to which family he/she belongs?” or “Is she married or not?”. It is very sensible to have unique family name for all members of the family.
rameshraju | May 21st, 2009 at 5:25 am
I never even considered changing my last name. My husband could not care less. Some of his family and the close-nit southern community we live in find it appalling, but I kind of enjoy that
I actually had one lady gasp and say “Oh Poor (Husband’s name), what did he say?”
Any children will have his last name and my last name as a middle name. My sisters have done the same and haven’t had any problems so far.
I find it irritating that some people make a point of addressing me by the wrong name just so I know they think my decision to keep my name is rude and childish….um…pot….this is kettle….you’re black.
I found some great stuff on lucystoneleague.org to wear around town and for family reunions!
H2O | June 9th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
I kept my name legally but every now and then i like to call my self Mrs. Z…. i’m muslim so it’s not the norm to change you last name.
nada | June 29th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Boy, am I glad I found this article. I’ll be 2 weeks shy of my 34th birthday when I get married in April 2010 and I definitely wasn’t changing to my fiancé’s last name, but at the minimum I was going to hyphenate, but now that I’ve read everyone’s responses, I’ve decided not to change a thing. I love my name and don’t want to change a thing about it. I’ve been completely independent and self-sufficient my entire life and feel that taking my finance’s last name will take away a HUGE part of me. Both my sister’s names are hyphenated, legally, but they go by their married names socially. I was going to follow in their footsteps, but have now decided not to and stay who I am. My fiancé is the only boy in his family, so I’m fine with our kids (if we have them) having his last name, but as far as me….nothing will change and I’m so glad that I have made my decision!
Andrea | July 14th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I was in my early 30’s, an ind. career girl,and the main bread winner of the household. I had just been promoted and introduced to a large university as the main contact for the PhD graduate program, brochures had been printed, ya da ya da. So, told my hubby I was going to delay changing my name a few months until the spring quarter when the new print jobs would run. He had an absolute FIT. In the course of the resulting argument, he said very angrily “… you BELONG to me, you’re MY wife!!” and tried to bully me with anger. I was absolutely stunned, I am his PROPERTY?!? Are you kidding me?!? A huge tiff over a 4 month delay.
That was 9 years ago, and I never changed my name because of hte way he treated me. When it came up while we were out, and you know it did, he’d get that pained / angry look and try to guilt me. So I began to tell people truthfully why I hadn’t, whether he was standing there or not. Many women we’re stunned that I would be so honest, but many nodded in understanding and related their story. He stopped doing that pretty quick.
In my eyes, in this day and age changing my name to his would be the ultimate gift of love and devotion, a sacrifice on my part. Not because he had somehow purchased, and now owned me. This is the 21st century, dowries in America are found in story books, we don’t need the protection of a man or his name like we did 80 years ago+ — and men need to grow up about it.
Kath | September 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I kept my name. I had planned on changing it (the priest pronounced us both w/ his last name at the ceremony). But when it came time to change it, I just couldn’t do it.
I too was in my thirties when I married, and I felt like I was handing over my identity if I changed it. It surprised me that I felt this way b/c I though I’d come to terms with changing it. However, if we decide to have children, I’m not sure how I’ll feel about having a different name from my kids.
Sara Brown | November 9th, 2009 at 1:05 pm