The 36-Hour Day
with Lylah M. Alphonse
I'm a full-time editor, a part-time writer, and a mom and stepmom to five amazing kids, ages 1 to 14. For me it's not about finding balance, it's about the daily juggle-- my career, my commute, freelance work, homework, housework, married life, social life, and parenting-- and finding the time to get it all done.
To learn more about Lylah, check out her Work It, Mom! profile and read her blog at writeeditrepeat.blogspot.com.
I keep a running list of things I never thought I’d say as a parent. Today I added another sentence to it, courtesy of my 2-1/2-year-old son: “We don’t kiss the walls during karate class.”
As if it’s perfectly OK to kiss them at any other time.
I wonder if I let more slide with my youngest kid because he’s a little boy — and, as such, more prone to sweet-but-lunkheaded actions — or because he’s the youngest of five and the things that seemed worth doing something about when my older kids were his age just seem not worth freaking out about now. Case in point: When our now-11-year-old son was 3, I’d have to fight the urge to coat him in hand-sanitizing gel if I saw our dog licking him. Now, a dog — not just ours — slobbers directly on my younger kids’ faces and I consider wiping the dog’s mouth because, ye gods, little kids are germy.
But “Things I Never Thought I’d Do As A Mom” is a totally different list. Here are a few of the things I never thought I’d hear myself say:
“Don’t lick the floor.”
“Do not help the dog eat his dinner.”
“You are not an elephant. That is not your trunk.”
“Your brother is not a napkin.”
“The dog is not supposed to bite you. Take your arm out of his mouth, please.”
“It doesn’t matter if they do it in The Little Mermaid, you may not comb your hair with that fork during dinner.”
“Where are your pants?”
“Put your uncle’s beer down, please.”
“Lick your hand first, and then I’ll put Bacon Salt on it for you.”
“Only eat leaves that Mama or Daddy give you.”
What’s on your “I can’t believe I just said that!” list?
I had so many things except then I read your list and am now laughing too hard to think of them.
Phe | June 25th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Oh MAN that list was awesome. I know I have a lot but of course I can’t think of them now. I do remember one instance though when I was speaking to my husand and our son was 3 months old:
“Theo just puked on the cat and now she’s licking it off her back and purring. Please come home now and bring me chocolate.”
samantha jo campen | June 25th, 2009 at 11:27 am
“Don’t lick the wall!” (in a public bathroom)
“What happened to your sister’s poop? Open your mouth . . . .”
Those are the most horrible ones. Of course I could go on all day . . . .
SKL | June 25th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
OMG, Lylah, I’m losing it! That is hilarious.
In line with the elephant remark: “Honey, that is poop coming out. You are not growing a penis.”
“Please shake only one more mannequin’s hand because we have to go.”
There are more, many more, but I’m giggling too hard! Rock on, Mom.
Mandy Nelson | June 25th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
My all timer that I SWORE I’d NEVER say - “Because I SAID SO, that’s WHY!”
JD | June 25th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Earlier this week I told my 3 1/2 year-old, “we don’t wear our soup bowls on our head” as drops of uneaten soup spilled down her grinning face. Never thought I’d have to say that…
Roz | June 26th, 2009 at 12:46 am
I’m having trouble thinking of them because I am laughing so hard but I can think of a couple.
The bone is for the dogs, please take it out of your mouth.
Don’t shove Monica’s (his friend) head into your crotch, that’s not the proper way to hug her.
Please don’t kiss the rocks that you pulled out of the ocean.
Oceans Mom | June 26th, 2009 at 11:02 am
hahaha! LOVE these.
“Don’t lick Mommy’s face.” (seems to be needed a lot around here. What is it with kids and licking things? Walls, faces… whatever.)
“No, we only draw on THIS wall.” (as if that makes it easier. we have one huge “graffiti wall” that is just sheet rock and all our friends signature it with markers when they come over. So my kids can draw on that one, but not on the other walls in the house.)
“No, you cannot pull your brother’s peepee.” (only he can)
“So, the make-up tastes like manicotti?” (just too much to explain here… another bad parenting moment…lol)
Annie | June 27th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I never thought I’d say the following:
NO! We do not stab people in the head with pens.
Keys do not belong in outlets.
Your under wear do not belong on your head.
At this point, nothing surprises me.
Becky | June 27th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
From this weekend:
No, we do not put the keys in the cat’s water and lick them!
No, we do not brush the doggie’s teeth with our toothbrush. Get that out of his mouth! (This was followed by, Seamus! Get back here with that damn toothbrush!!!)
The distant recent past (makes sense to me, trust me):
NOOHMYGODDO NOT feed cat poop to the dog!!!!!!!!!!!
Phe | June 29th, 2009 at 11:01 am
My guy is only 9 months so I’m sure there’s many more to come, but so far, I never thought I’d say, “Wait! Don’t spit up on your clean shirt…spit up on mine instead.”
jane | July 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
In a weak moment after moving my 22 mo. old daughter to a toddler bed (to prevent falls after climbing out of crib) and getting up almost hourly…finally at 4AM… ‘I don’t care anymore.. play all you want .I’m going to bed!’
Fazor | July 23rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm