The 36-Hour Day
with Lylah M. Alphonse
I'm a full-time editor, a part-time writer, and a mom and stepmom to five amazing kids, ages 1 to 14. For me it's not about finding balance, it's about the daily juggle-- my career, my commute, freelance work, homework, housework, married life, social life, and parenting-- and finding the time to get it all done.
To learn more about Lylah, check out her Work It, Mom! profile and read her blog at writeeditrepeat.blogspot.com.
Just days before their fourth child was born earlier this month, supermodel and Project Runway star Heidi Klum filed a petition to take the name of her husband, Seal (whose full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel).
Their sons, Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, 3, and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel, 2, already have Seal’s last name, as does their baby daughter, Lou Sulola Samuel. (No word on whether their oldest child, 5-year-old Helene “Leni” Klum — who is the biological daughter of Klum’s ex, Flavio Briatore, but was legally adopted at birth by Seal – will change her name as well.)
Like many working women, I kept my name when I got married. Which means that I have a different last name than my children. But, unlike Heidi, I’m not changing my name to match theirs.
I have thought about it, though. I married my stepkids the same day I married my husband and, when they were small, I’d tack my husband’s last name on to the end of my signature when signing permission slips or homework assignments, as if having the same last name would somehow increase my parental authority with people I didn’t know. At soccer games in their town, I introduced myself using “my” married name, even though I’d never legally taken it, because how else would other parents know to which pint-size soccer player I belonged?
At work, though, the idea of changing my name to match my husband’s never crossed my mind. I had nothing to prove, no new role to take on, no authority to establish with strangers who knew his last name but not mine. When you’re a journalist, your clips are your currency; changing bylines is like starting over, to an extent. I’d built a career and a reputation using my name — why change it now?
A few years later, when we decided to have another child — two, actually — the issue of last names came up again. Should these children have my last name? Hyphenate? Use just my husband’s? How would I feel about being “Ms. Alphonse” when everyone else in my family, by marriage and by birth, shared a different last name?
We decided that they’d have two last names — no hyphen — which worked fine until the first time I took my baby daughter to the pediatrician, and they couldn’t find her file because it wasn’t with her older siblings’. So she and our youngest son use just their dad’s last name, like their big brother and sisters do. I am the only Alphonse in my household. And I guess a decade has made a difference, because I’m fine with that.
Did you keep your name when you got married? Did your feelings about having done so change after you had children?
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I’m not married, but I would have kept my name, given that there would have been too many things to change otherwise. By my mid-20s, I had multiple diplomas, professional licenses, medical records, major assets, etc. in my name. Now, my kids and their adoption records as well. I do like the idea of everyone having the same last name, but at some point, I feel it isn’t practical, at least for me. I never dated a guy who had a problem with that.
My kids have each had at least three different legal names so far. An interesting bit of history, but I am glad their last names are now the same as mine. Makes things a lot simpler.
SKL | October 19th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I took my husband’s last name mainly because I wanted our family to all have the same name when we had kids. At that time, I was just starting my career (in the middle of grad school with one publication using my maiden name). I also took it patially to acknowledge the enormous role I knew he would play in any success I was to have. I took it despite the fact that I was abandoning a 7 letter, easy-to-spell last name for a 12- letter, Polish name.
Lindsey W. | October 19th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I did not take my husband’s last name. I didn’t even really consider it. My mom took my dad’s last name when she was 18, but did not update to my stepdad’s last name when she was remarried at 33. My husband and I have two young children and I’ve never had a problem with any situation due to having a different last name from my husband or children. I think it’s extremely common these days, and in the hospital and school system around here, there are two contributing factors: 1) older brides/moms who are independent and attached to their own names and 2) unmarried moms (and dads). Check the numbers and I think you’d find that a very large percentage of babies are born to unmarried moms. As a result, it is equally common for moms, in my experience, to have a different last name from their children.
RookieMom Whitney | October 19th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I am getting married in a few weeks and will not be changing my name.
I am also divorced and have a daughter who has a different last name than I do.
When I was married to her father I did the two last names, no hypen thing. For awhile. It was long and annoying and the only two documents I ever got around to putting both names on were my driver’s licence and then my passport (which they copied the DL name from even though I had stopped using his name at all).
I am actually glad that the passport has both names as it does not expire for a few more years and my daughter and i use the passports when we travel. (Which, when she was very young eliminated my fear of being questioned about stuff or something. Super rational, obviously).
My boyfriend and I have decided that post wedding we would like to try and have a baby together. We have decided that if we have a baby it will get my last name only. He has a teenage son who shares his last name and a huge extended family populated by same name holders. I do not and my family name will not continue after my generation.
I am always surprised when someone changes their name anymore. Perhaps that is my own cultural hang up. I just think its unnessisary. Predictably in some cases, but never really called for OR worth the hassle…who has the time?
Susanna | October 19th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I did not…partially because being a woman in a field that is similar to the field that my father is still in…I was sick of dismissing “oh, CV got where she is because of her father and only because of…” (I dealt with this a LOT prior to being married, I might add)
I did, however, for work purposes, hyphenate my name for the first couple years to give people a chance to “get” that CD and CV were one in the same person.
I can see where having the same name can be helpful…one of my childhood chums had an issue at the border with one of her children (with a different last name…and added note pertinent - father’s rights had been severed by the courts so he had no say in international border crossings). The customs agent couldn’t fathom that a mother and child could have different last names, even though everything else, save the last name, on the child’s birth certificate that had to do with the mother, matched the mother’s information. That’s probably the most extreme case I’ve heard.
I suppose it may just be a logical addition on permission slips and the like because I’m sure that it may unconsciously or consciously flag whoever is receiving the slips to wonder “okay…who is this? Do they actually have the ability to give permission?”
CV | October 20th, 2009 at 9:07 am
In some cultures, it’s normal for women to keep their name, and their children have both their mother’s and their father’s last names. My daughter’s college roommate was from Puerto Rico, and while she used her father’s last name, her full name had both.
Where I’m from, some women give up even their first name when they get married, and from then on are known as Mrs. Husband Lastname, and that’s it! I think the convention here, in the US, comes from when marriage was about a transfer of property, not a love match.
Tam | October 20th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Wow, so interesting to read the responses. This is one of those things that is different for each of us, for different reasons. And it’s fascinating to read the various reasons. You gals all rock for doing what works for you and helping the world to see that what’s in a name doesn’t matter as much as what’s in the person. And her family.
Mandy Nelson | October 20th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I chose to change my name when I got married. When I announced my intention, it shocked my then-fiance - he had just assumed that I would keep my name. He was fine with my choice - after all, I’m the one who has to answer with the name - but was surprised. I made the choice not out of any sense of duty or tradition, but because I chose to spend the rest of my life with my husband, and I felt that sharing a name with him helped to illustrate my choice. I had no real reason not to change my name, and didn’t feel that it necessary to ask him to change his name, as I was happy to change mine.
I love that we each have the choice to do what is right for us. I have friends who kept their name, friends who added their husband’s name in some way, and friends where both the man and woman changed their name to a mutually chosen new name (which I thought was a really neat option). I don’t get people who feel the need to put down others’ choices, as often seems to happen when the subject comes up.
a mom | October 21st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I did not change my name when I got married, so my last name is different from my children’s. It does not matter much to me.
Lakshmi | October 21st, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I didn’t change my name when I married for a variety of reasons (personal identity, family heritage and name dying out). It was an easy decision then, but I’ve been surprised by how often it has come up in the two years since. Interestingly enough, several of my older aunts who had changed their names encouraged me to keep mine, while ALL of the young women in my office who have recently gotten married have changed or hyphenated theirs. I continue to be shocked that in an office full of young, professional women none keep their own names.
In any event, I’m happy with the decision, but as we get closer to having children, I privately worry about it and hope I won’t come to regret the decision. I want to share a name with them, but I don’t want to complicate their lives with two names as I’ve seen happen with some of my cousins (what happens when THEY someday get married and have children- three names?!). Thanks to everyone for sharing their varying perspectives.
Sarah | October 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm