I’ve been a stepparent for about a decade now, and so much of what you read in books, articles, and online highlights the negative aspects to what really can be a very difficult life choice. National Stepfamily Day was on September 16, and in honor of the occasion, I wanted to talk about the positives — and maybe help a few other stepparents find a way to celebrate what they have.

You can read my stepfamily article right here on Work It, Mom!, and you can read my interviews with three stepparenting experts here. But while doing my research and talking to these knowledgeable women, I was surprised to discover that many of the ways one can find happiness as a stepparent also apply to finding happiness — or at least peace — with your job.
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As I’ve mentioned before, I have running a list of things I never thought I’d say as a parent. Lately, while talking to our kids, my friends and I keep catching ourselves mid-sentence — another one for the list. Here are some of the things that have had me shaking my head in disbelief even as the words came out of my mouth:

No battleaxes allowed on the trampoline.

The Hulk does not like being in the bathtub.

Don’t drink the bathwater.

Don’t even lick the bathwater.

Do not lick The Hulk.

If you get hurt while pretend fighting, you’d better only be pretend crying.

You must wear pants if you leave the house. Or at least underwear.

“Bottomless” means that you are showing your bottom, not that your bottom is gone.

Don’t lick your sister’s foot.

Please don’t drink all of my coffee.

You can’t have any more broccoli until you finish your pizza.

What’s on your “I can’t believe I just said that” list?

In sewing, there’s a really important type of stitch called a back tack. It’s created when you sew a seam forward on a sewing machine, then a little bit back on itself, and then forward again — a step taken backward in order to keep an entire long line of work from falling apart.

We do them in life, too. It’s just harder to accept, because 1) we can feel the backward step, but not necessarily the securing of the seam and 2) in our careers, especially as women, even more so as parents, sometimes the backwards steps feel like defeat instead of reinforcement.
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I spent Sunday at the Life Is Good Festival, where my youngest kids rocked out to their favorite band (They Might Be Giants) and got so caught up in dancing to Galactic that they nearly forgot about Laurie Berkner over on the kids stage. Almost.

Throughout the area, Life Is Good had posted big signs with upbeat sentiments like “Do What You Like. Like What You Do” (their motto). But the one that really struck me was over in the kids’ area, a backdrop to the games and activities there, right next to the huge tent where Laurie Berkner was performing. It said “The little things in life are the big things.”

I know it was meant to refer to kids — the two-day event was to raise money for Life Is Good’s Kids Foundation, which is dedicated to helping kids overcome adversity. But the phrase applies to so much of my life right now, it felt like a message from the universe, somehow.

People tell you to let the little things go, to focus on the big picture. I’ve spent most of my life figuring out goals and crossing items off to-do lists and telling myself to keep the big picture in mind. But the big picture is made up of a series of smaller snapshots, isn’t it? And those snapshots are taken over time.

My kids — most kids, really — live life in those snapshots. A famous entertainer was singing and dancing a few hundred feet away, and my kids, along with about 30 others, were wrapped up in the moment, playing on a giant parachute that parents and volunteers were heaving up and down. They weren’t thinking about what they’d tell their friends later, or what work they’d have to do once they got home, or the crappy week that had just ended, as I was. They were just enjoying what they had, the little things, right that minute.

As we were leaving that night, Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue were wrapping up their set. Trombone Shorty is the kind of musician who gives you chills, his talent is so absolute. As an encore, they walked off the stage and into the crowd, horns blaring “When the Saints Come Marching In” and “Down by the Riverside.” The audience, which had started to leave, surged toward the stage, parents lifting kids onto their shoulders as the band wove in and around the dancing and singing crowd.

For a moment, there was nothing but the moment. A little thing that became the biggest thing of all.

Over Labor Day weekend, I spent a lot of time with a few good friends, chasing after our kids and keeping up with them in (and out of) the pool. Before the weekend officially started, though, I was dreading the thought of my to-do list. How on earth would I stay on top of it without ruining the last weekend of summer?

Saturday morning, I was up early. I started writing all of the things I needed to get done before Monday, but I kept getting interrupted — by the laundry, by kids who need breakfast (didn’t I feed you yesterday?), by phone calls. So I stopped with the nagging “to-do” list, and started writing down the things I’d managed to get done already that day.

It was long. Longer than I thought it would be. Encouragingly, mood-boostingly long. And instead of feeling guilty for not crossing enough stuff off the to-do list, I was motivated to see how many things I could add to the have-done list instead.

How do you motivate yourself to get things done?

Last night, my husband and I put the little kids to bed and then went to bed ourselves. It was practically unheard of, turning out the lights at 9:15 p.m. without one (or both) of us being sick or without one (or both) of using having to get up for work at something crazy, like 2:30 a.m. I actually started rationalizing the decision — “It’s not that different from going to bed at 3 and sleeping until noon! We both used to do that before we had kids, right?” — while he tried to nod his head without moving it off of his pillow.

Truth is, we were both just wiped out. And hitting the hay on the crazy-early side was all we could do to keep ourselves sane.
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When I started working at my main job, I was fresh out of college, younger than some of the interns, and perpetually worried about being taken seriously. So I made sure to dress a little more formally than I had to, kept my long hair up in a severe-looking bun, and was extra-careful about my work. But still, if I had a dollar for every time an older coworker asked me to copy, collate, or fetch something for them that first year, my 401(k) would be a whole lot bigger than it is now.

I remember a coworker who, back in the mid-1990s, told me that I reminded him of all the women who wouldn’t date him when he was in college and treated me accordingly. Others asked me how I’d managed to get hired so young (no, nepotism was not involved, though hard work and luck and good advice were). I’d cringe a bit whenever someone asked me how old I was, not because it was an inappropriate question (though it is) but because I hated the way anything I did after that would be judged and downgraded.

Excelle has a list of 12 things you should never say to your younger and older coworkers, and while I found myself nodding along in sympathy as I clicked through their advice, I think there are a few tidbits I’d like to add.

1. Don’t judge a coworker by his or her peers. Were you flighty and irresponsible when you were 22? Fine, but that doesn’t mean the new hire is. And just because your mom doesn’t understand email, don’t assume that an employee your mom’s age won’t either.

2. Treat everyone as you’d like to be treated. It seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? Don’t be condescending, don’t be dismissive, and don’t forget that if you step on anyone on your way up the ladder they can kick you in the head on your way back down.

3. Help people. The new kid isn’t necessarily after your job. And the office veteran isn’t ncessarily looking forward to retirement. Find ways to make yourself valuable to your company instead of withholding your help or support. Even while you’re working together, your coworkers are part of your career network; it’s better to cultivate than it is to alienate the people you work with.

Do you have any stories to share from when you were a young, new employee? How do you wish you had been treated?