I stood in the doorstep of the apartment of my ex-tonight. Frost shimmered on the grass and the early December wind swirled brisk around me. I jumped up and down and blew on my hands to keep warm.
“Just getting him ready.” My ex lumbered past the door and looked at me through the window pane,”Just a sec.”
He doesn’t usually let me in to the front entrance of his home, he does not have a lot of love for me and has made it clear I’m not welcome in his home. I haven’t said much, have been reluctant to stir the fragile pot, but at this point it’s winter. It’s cold, and being left outside to wait while shoes and socks and pre-schooler lunch boxes are packed is actually…kind of embarrassing. A little humiliating.
My son’s face appears at the door, and I can sense his confusion and so I wave cheerily. He has asked me before why I do not come in his Dad’s house and I waver: should I tell him or make up a story? At this point, though it’s obvious, I would rather not say that his Dad doesn’t really like me very much.
There are reasons for the discord - my boyfriend, a move to the Coast that my son’s Father wasn’t keen on. I have made my mistakes, so has he, and more than anything I just wish now that we could be decent too each other. Not even kind, I’d take human.
In past I’ve tried many different flavors of white flags: blueberries from the farmer’s market. I didn’t ask for child support for a long time. I tried not saying much, I tried standing up for myself. Nothing is working and now I suspect maybe only time might smooth the rough edges?
How did you make peace with your exes, Internet? I suspect there’s not a formula, but at this point I’m willing to try anything.