Blender
with Kristin Darguzas
I am equal parts Mother, Lover, Obsessor and Workaholic, tripping between unfolded laundry, discarded granola wrappers and assorted memory sticks to and unearthing treasures and various garbage. The blended family unit is an increasingly common structure, and an often perplexing one. Here I'll navigate up the mountain of exes, legality, awkward questions, work balance and attention division - hopefully in time to inhale deeply and enjoy the view at the top.
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We emerged from a long, talkative dinner with childhood friends on Friday and I touched my hand to my throat.
“My throat’s a little sore,”I told Corey, adjusting my scarf against the chill October wind,”And I just finished talking about how long it’s been since I’ve been sick.”
The next morning I woke up unable to swallow, and I ran to the bathroom mirror and opened my mouth: terrorized and eager to inspect the grossness on the other side. I wasn’t surprised at what I saw: swollen, white disgustingness. I’d perspired through my bed clothes the night before and my body suddenly realized: I totally shouldn’t have sprinted into the bathroom. I’m toast.
I went downhill quickly from there and had to forcibly restrain myself from googling “Oh my god do I have swine flu?”
In the past two years, being sick has meant relying 100% of my poor beleauguered Mother to help me function, but these days, I’m paired, and Corey was eager to help. He heated soup, made pasta for Nolan, and cleaned the dishes after dinner. I wanted to cry in gratitude but it meant I’d have to swallow my tears, and that would hurt.
***
“I have to go to LA tomorrow,” I croaked, sitting in front of my computer in a pool of sweat and mire.
“You can’t go to LA tomorrow!”
“I don’t have much of a choice, this is an urgent account and a last minute request. Can you — can you drop Nolan off at school for me?”
My flight would leave at 6:30 AM and so I’d need to leave the house at 4 AM: obviously much too early to drop my son off. It felt like an important step asking Corey to do this: dropping off a kid at school is a parental thing.
“Of course I can,”he said,”Do you think he’ll listen to me?”
“I’m not sure.” I grinned ruefully,”I’ll tell him he has to.”
***
One of the most difficult things we’re experiencing as a new little family unit is boundaries: Corey is not sure where his are, as the not-quite stepdad, and Nolan has never had a man tell him what to do (besides his Dad.) We’re all shuffling and fumbling and hoping that simple love and logic will carry us through.
In the meantime, I’m going to suck on a lot of lozenges and refrain from boasting about my good health.
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Probably time for a sit-down with Nolan basically that says, if mommy isn’t here, Corey’s in charge and you need to listen to him.
Let him know he can come to you later with any issues or feelings but that is how things have to run.
Much the same way friends of mine deal with teachers. You have to what is said but if you think it unfair you can tell me your side later; but you can’t sass your teacher in class.
Mich | October 22nd, 2009 at 11:40 am
I think it’s hard, though, to tell Nolan to listen to Corey. We’re not married yet, and so what is his authority to my son? That’s where part of the struggle is, I think, because he seems to instinctively know this. Though really he should be listening to all of his elders.
blender | October 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 am
I guess that was my thought. Like dealing with teachers at school, they’re not mom, but while he’s with them, they are the adult in charge and he should listen to them.
If you have to leave early, he needs to listen to Corey while you’re not there. Assure him that he can talk to you later about things if he’s upset by anything but for those few hours, Corey’s in charge.
Mich | October 23rd, 2009 at 10:10 am
I agree with Mich. If Corey weren’t your boyfriend, but were just a friend or family member who was helping you out with childcare for a few hours, you would expect your son to behave and listen to him. By hesitating to enforce the same rules of respect for any adult you leave in charge, you are actually reinforcing and encouraging extra anxiety around his relationship with Corey that doesn’t need to be there.
jesse | October 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 am
As the girl friend then stepmom since he was 6, I have taken on the task of dropping off my stepson at school as well as picking up. His mom and dad just told him I was the adult and he needed to listen to me as he would any other adult, aunt, uncle or grandparent. And if he felt I wasn’t being fair, he let them know. Of course, they would set him straight.
He’s now 22 and calls me before his Dad when he needs something. Really makes me feel like I’m really his stepmom now.
Liz | October 26th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Mich: I’ve had the sit down, but I’m not sure how much has set in yet. Stay tuned.
Jesse: You are totally right, too.
And Liz, how awesome that you maintain a close relationship with your stepson. That’s the stuff I love to hear!
blender | October 28th, 2009 at 11:31 pm