Hi .. I’m reading your blog for the first time as I just dropped by through google.. Well a very interesting question that you have put up here… Although the questions that you have posted with the facts and figures.. do suggest that marriage does not really seem important ..

But the fact is that .. if we try and think about times when families used to live together and had a meaning to life .. maybe like half a century ago and before.. it did used to make sense .. When actually marrying and committing oneself to one person throughout life .. people used to be loyal (majority) and focus that person .. but suppose if a person is in an open relationship sort of situation .. then .. no offense.. but.. it sounds more like being animals .. just being with anyone whenever .. I’m not blaming you… but its just the American society that has been shaped up like this .. more individualistic..

My view is that if this guy really cares for you and Nolan .. then you should try and talk out details with him and try to settle down .. trust me .. marriage is not that bad after all.. the fear of being tied down to responsibilities make us fear marriage .. but someday in life.. we really need to think of responsibilities as a natural thing of growing up .. rather than staying in our teens all our life .. we should learn how to grow up and age gracefully.. marriage is basically a contract of compromise between two people.. similar to a contract of employment .. and if you have good understanding .. and chemistry with this guy .. nothing like it ..

I hope you didnt mind any of my comments.. but wishing you good luck in whatever you decide..

Yes, Yes, YES!

I am married but even when I got married, after eight years together, I said that it was a societal created institution. I don’t know that marriage ruins everything because almost 4 years later, I still love my husband but I do think societal pressure makes people get married for the wrong reasons a lot of the time. Plus I think some people chose marriage to fix issues with their marriage. And we all know that works!

I don’t think marriage is necessary but it is wonderful when you get it right and it’s a great example to set for your children. (People follow through on the promises they make, they work hard to make things work right and even if you didn’t get it exactly right early on, you learned from your mistakes and waited for the right person to come along.)

I hear a lot of unmarried parents say they aren’t married because they don’t want to make that kind of commitment and a marriage is too big of a responsibility. But raising a child together is a far bigger commitment and responsibility than a marriage. I think that not being married gives people a convenient way out if they want one. “We’re not married. I can leave at any time.”

You’ve brought a new person into your home, into your son’s life and that person is going to be helping you raise your son. That’s a very deep level of intimacy that you’ve exposed your child to. Committing to this person legally, promising to do whatever it takes to get it right doesn’t seem like a lot to ask.

That being said, I wouldn’t get married just to give my child a dad. I’d do it because I wanted to tell the world, “Yes, this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I swear that’s what I’m going to do. We’re going to do this together.”

K.,

I’m not really coming from the same place as you are….I haven’t been a single Mom (although I came close) and I am not in a new relationship BUT…here are my thoughts…

I used to think it was necessary….so, after 7 years of living together…we got married…and frankly, although I don’t have a perfect marriage (far from it, in fact)….we’ve worked through some darkness and it’s generally pretty good right now.

The principal reason I/we got married was because, at the time, common law rights were not recognized in my Province. I found myself in a VERY awkward (and frustrating) position the first time I had to go to the hospital with my diabetic partner (husband)…when the hospital very curtly advised us that I was in fact NOT his next-of-kin. WOW….I can still feel the sting on that one.

Legislation has since changed….and I’ve also recently spent some time (ok, a fair amount of time) with some good friends from Quebec….where almost NOBODY gets married anymore. They are not married either. They are going on 10 years together. There seems to be something a little more FREE about their arrangement…although they are exclusive to one another and 100% committed. It might be just THEM…but I somehow don’t think so.

Quebequois couples live together, some even sign cohabitation agreements and they make babies together, gorgeous mostly bilingual babies….and generally…it works….I tend to think much better than our constructs of marriage.

I love my husband and I had a great time at our wedding…but I think if I had it to do over again, I’m not sure I would get married.

Well, here’s how I look at this. Your son has already experienced the loss of the man who in many ways is closest to him. True, he visits him, but he has lost a substantial part of the father-son connection. OK, so stuff happens. But he is going to sense that this is always a possibility with the #1 man in his life. As he gets older, he’s going to notice that dad-figures are usually married to moms. Can you really expect him to understand, at a deep level, “commitment” versus marriage?

Chances are, your son rarely or never says things to make you worry about this. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t in his head, consciously or sub-consciously. His experience has taught him that special men don’t stick around. So just keep that in mind.

I do believe marriage is important to the children.

And no, I don’t believe marriage ruins it. Some marriages aren’t meant to be, but if you are really sure it’s a permanent commitment, marriage isn’t going to detract from that.

I do, actually, but not marriage for marriage sake. My husband and I were together, often living together, for 7 years before we married. We got married because I’m kind of traditional that way (he probably would have just lived together) and we planned to have kids. A month after we married, he turned to me and told me I had been right - nothing changed in our day to day life and, at the same time, being married felt great and important. This weekend, three years later, he looked at me as we were walking down a sidewalk holding hands and said ‘it really does just get better with time.’ Marriage doesn’t create that, but marriage to a partner can be that. On the other hand, I think its the whole of our 10 years together that does that, not just the three we’ve been married. I don’t think everybody needs to get married, and I have friends I love and admire who have no less committed and loving families for not being legally married. So, to each his own. But, I wanted to be the other voice, because I think those of us who are happy being married sometimes forget to speak up.

Just the other week I had a fight with my (new-ish) husband, and I ended up saying to him “You know, if we were just dating, this issue would have me thinking about breaking up with you”

Which was a total dick thing to say, and took my breath away that I even thought it. But ‘being married’ had framed the construct of that fight for me - the commitment I have made to him (and to his child) bound me to work through that issue and hope to get to the other side. Which we happily did and are better for it. So in that sense, yes, I really think the commitment of marriage had a lot to do with that, and I’m grateful.

Having said THAT, I also think that in society we’re primed to see marriage as a check in the box that adults must hit in order to be successful. Which is such a shame, because I think it gears a lot of people to overlook what they really, truly want from a partner and for themselves, and puts them in a place where it takes a tremendous amount of courage to admit that they’re ok - if not better - w/o getting married.

But all of that is theoretical. Marriage is one way of saying “All those things I promised and that we dreamt about, I meant them all.” But there are other ways of expressing that commitment and that promise. What is right for YOU?

My husband and I were together for 12 years before we got married. I struggled with the idea A LOT. I spent a year in therapy trying to understand what my issues were with marriage and a lot of it came down to identity and social presumptions. I hated the idea of being labeled a “wife” and all that has meant in the past. But then I realized that being a wife and having a husband is what we make of it; it’s between the two of us and has nothing to do with the past.

We decided to get married because we wanted the rights afforded to married couples (the hospital decision-making was huge for us) and because we wanted to form a family among those rights. It makes us crazy that gay couples are not given the same rights we are, especially since that was such a motivating factor in our decision making.

We were secure in our relationship before we were married and to be completely honest, not much has changed in the two years since, except that we now have a son, which obviously is a BIG change but we still feel and act like ourselves. It wasn’t as big of a shift as I thought.

I would also add that I was dreading the wedding in a way. I wanted the opportunity to gather together all my friends and family, but I also hate being the center of attention. In the end, I’m really glad we did it because it was a lot of fun, the process of planning the wedding was great for our relationship, and I think we both enjoyed participating in that rite of passage. It had been looming on our horizon for so long that we were glad to have it behind us. It helped us move forward, which was great. But to each their own. We all have different reasons for getting married or not. You just have to figure out the answer for yourself.

I definitely don’t think it is. My fiance and I talked a lot about why we wanted to get married and if, in fact that’s what we wanted. What was important to us was a long-term commitment, not necessarily a marriage.

In the end we’re getting married, but a lot of has to do with the fact that we want to adopt children someday and have a better chance as a married couple. Also, I have this nightmare of him being in the hospital and me not having access to him because we’re not married.

So no, it’s not necessary. But it’s helpful in our circumstances.

Rini’s comment made me laugh - that was my FAVORITE part about getting married - getting rid of my maiden name.

But, now, four years in, I think I made a mistake. I feel stuck. And legally, I am. And now I understand why the divorce rate is so high.

Wait, I have a follow up! Which is possibly more relevant than my first thought:

The minute I knew I both wanted to marry my boyfriend and was GOING to marry my boyfriend was the minute I knew I would be ok - actually, more than ok, ecstatic, with the possibility of his daughter living with us full time. That is when I knew that I really, truly, completely wanted to a be an official part of that family. It was my way of saying to them - BOTH of them - that for better or worse, they were my people.

Did I need marriage to make it official? I suppose I did. But I think the simple rules of meet/date/get married change when there are kids involved, because the family you are hoping to form isn’t theoretical anymore.

Yes I do. I think marriage is totally worth it for the 60% of us that have fantastic marriages. Us 60%, we work real hard at our marriages and don’t bail when times get real tough (and my husband and I have had our share just like 100% of marriages do). I think marriage is totally worth it. Absolutely, yes.
K.

After our conversation with some people last weekend and after what I’ve heard from a lot of marrieds (which we talked about last weekend) - i’d be inclined to think the same thing as you. It seems as though for most, even if they don’t mean to… carve out roles that seem to be expected of the other person. I don’t know why that little piece of paper does that, or the ceremony, but it seems to.
I really REALLY want to get married… some day. I’m absolutely in no rush and the though thought of it now turns my stomach. When i was in a happy relationship, I knew I wasn’t ready. So, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s just seeing the same things as you - VERY unhappy marriages at times, very happy unmarrieds and divorces through many friends that hurt so incredibly much.

I have one friend who could be divorced for the second time before she’s 40, that scares the shit out of me.
So, I wait. And if I had a child, I think I’d wait longer, or perhaps feel more inclined to how you feel. The people I know who have kids tend to feel like marriage isn’t a necessity, especially they are not with the father of their child.
To each their own though…

I don’t think marriage is necessary per se, but my experience has been that marriage makes it better. To be fair, I’m saying this as someone who has only been married 3 and a half years, so I can’t tell you if I’ll feel the same in ten years… but I think I will.

Going through the incredible experience of a wedding; having everyone you love around you witnessing your commitment to stand together and love each other forever is pretty incredible. Then life happens and mortgages and kids start making life harder, and yet you know, absolutely know, that you have your best friend and partner beside you no matter what comes.

I’m someone who is a planner and likes to have my life … for lack of a better word organized, and for me I can’t imagine not having that certainly and permanence that marriage offers.

You raise some very good points. I felt the same way for many years. I was with my boyfriend for 11 years before we got married!!

I used to say “can’t I just have a pretty wedding and NOT get married??” Our relationship was pretty damn good and it didn’t seem like a piece of paper or the joint tax return would be the thing to make it better. But strangely… it did! Not the piece of paper or the name change, of course, but the fact that he stood there under the sky with me and everyone we cared about and declared me his best friend and promised to take care of me and always be at my side and I did the same…. it changed something. It felt like we both finally stepped up to the plate.

I didn’t realize I had any insecurities about our commitment until they were gone and I felt free! It really came a surprise and it’s still only two years into this but in no way did marriage ruin it for us. It made it better. It’s possible it does change some of that giddy new-love feeling but since we were together for so many years before-hand I wouldn’t know. Not that relationships aren’t hard work, as everyone knows, but we’ve got both feet in the door now.

Plus, that 40% divorce rate? (Isn’t is like 50% in the states??!) Well there aren’t really records of break-ups between people who don’t get married. I kind of doubt the rates would be lower. Its sad but relationships are a lot of work and people make mistakes, people are abusive and there aren’t really any guarantees in life. But for now, for us, formally committing to each other was the right thing to do.

That has been my personal experience. Everyone needs to decide for themselves though. I love your writing and I wish you love and luck!

I should add, in our case it is and will be “just us” — no kids. I can definitely see how those concerns would tip the scales for you and Corey … They’re at least as important as health insurance.

I don’t think it necessary, it is just one of the easiest ways to establish who is what. As the relationship progresses I think Nolan will have more issues with “just who is Corey to me?” In that way, you’re right, marriage makes it easier.
I always figured I would marry. Now that I’m in my late 30s, I realize I probably won’t, but if I found “that guy”, I probably would want to marry.

not necessary at all.
love is necessary. trust. mutual respect. a foundation of knowing deeply in your heart that you care about each other No Matter What. a natural nurturing of each other’s well-being. encouraging each other to expand & do your best.
knowing that each day together is a choice & not something that is controlled by anything other than you is a truly freeing and beautiful thing. which somehow, in turn, feeds back into the relationship & it flourishes.

I had eleven amazing years being married. On our wedding day, I wanted to sprint down the aisle. I think for me, marriage made all the uncertainty go away. I could breathe and relax into what we had, and enjoy other things that I had missed because I was just that tiny bit insecure that it would be easy for either of us to leave at a moment’s notice.

Alas, my husband died, which was something I hadn’t worried about, but now will if I am ever lucky enough to find someone like you have.

But truth be told, even knowing now that anything CAN happen at any time, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I think the neat thing about marriage - and really, this doesn’t make it necessary, it just makes it, well, neat - is that you have this moment of publicly declaring you’re deliberately making it more difficult to walk away. Like my romantic cynicism? But I mean it. I think stating things makes them powerful; I believe humans are intrinsically social animals. We declare something, maybe, just MAYBE, there’s a chance we’ll stick to it a little harder.

If the divorce race is 40%, what’s the split-up rate, you know? Sticking it out is F!ing hard. So if there’s this one thing we do - this public declaration, this out-there commitment not to throw in the towel unless absolutely necessary - that gives us a leg up against those stacked odds, I say, …. that’s neat.

That said, it’s still just a piece of paper. What a justice joins can still be ripped asunder. It’s all about what you put into it.

Hi Kristin,

I am in a committed relationship with a man with whom - come February - I will share three children. We are a blended family: the beautiful little girl he had before we met shares time between our home and her mother’s .

I was married before, and I’m not too eager to go down that road again. My ex and I had been together for seven amazing years before marriage, yet didn’t make it to our first anniversary. I’ve now been with J for almost six years and despite my desire to throw a great party for friends and family, I can see no *good* reason for us to be officially married and nor does he.

In the beginning he *did* want to marry and I considered it briefly as I felt it would legitimize our relationship (and my relationship with his daughter as well) in the eyes of the public. Not a good enough reason. Flash forward six years, and we are still fully committed to each other and to our growing family, we are happy together and we are recognised by our friends, family and (most of) society as married without the need for additional paperwork.

In the end, the life you create together says more about your devotion to each other and the maturity of your relationship than marriage does, and you three seem to be growing together so beautifully!

I seem to be alone on an island here, but let me just clarify one thing. I did not say kids’ parents need to be married. I said that your son’s experience has taught him that special men don’t stick around. People are making very light of this fact. I strongly recommend that you address this seriously.

It’s one thing if a child is being raised from birth with his two parents who don’t happen to be married, but are together and always there for him. It’s another thing to have a disrupted relationship followed by an attempt at creating a new, similar relationship that technically could disrupt at any time. If you decide not to marry, fine, but don’t ignore this concern. You have said many times that your son is sensitive. He needs to believe, deep in his heart, that he won’t be left by the new special man in his life. Whatever that takes. I don’t care about all these “do it for yourself or not at all” cliches. You are your son’s only dedicated parent and “the buck stops here” as far as his emotional development. If you’re not sure my comments are sensible, maybe do some research/reading on the subject. It’s important.

Kristin - I always thought I had to get married to get the level of commitment I wanted. Then, after being married for four years, and while pregnant with my first child, I found that not to be the case at all. Now, several years later, with a divorce and a year and a half of single mom-dom under my belt, I’m in a new, better, healthier, more transparent and trusting relationship (with a 16 month old banshee to boot) and I don’t feel like I need to be married to get what I need out of our relationship. Yet, we’re planning a small wedding in January so he can get on my health insurance, after a move to save a $90 knife in the kitchen cost us $1600 in medical bills because he was uninsured. I’m really ambivalent about the whole thing, in part because it’s my second time doing it, and because I feel like I have to in order to get the benefits my family needs, not because I feel strongly about having the ceremony. So we’re trying to make it as untraditional as possible in the hopes that I’ll feel better about sticking it to the man while I’m conforming to the man’s stereotypes. I agree with you that it’s not necessary for me - but it’s necessary to function in our society the way it exists now.

Leah, I think some people weighing in here don’t actually have an understanding of what is meant by “the good of the children.”

The issue I’m pointing out is that a child needs security in order to form a healthy bond with the significant male in his life. And for a child who has learned from experience that dads don’t stick around, his mom has to put that much more emphasis on building that security. Yes, it’s always “possible” that the child will be devastated anyway, whether through divorce, death, or some other unavoidable disruption. But right now, we’re talking about things the parents can control. Talk is cheap, and kids know it. Even if Corey says he plans to be there through N’s ups and downs for decades, it’s not realistic to expect N to just dive in based on those words. And if he isn’t secure enough to open himeself to this relationship, a variety of related issues can crop up. I’m not saying that a wedding is going to solve all of that, but a tangible commitment of some sort is important for N.

More fundamentally, if Kristin is afraid that marriage could destroy her relationship with Corey, then is it really solid enough to risk asking N to dive in anyway? If she isn’t ready/willing to define her relationship, how is a preschooler supposed to do so? Particularly one whose biological dad isn’t gung-ho about it? For how long is it healthy for a previously-disrupted child to be in limbo about something so important?

As an adoptive parent, I’ve learned a lot about disruptions and attachment, so that is why I’m sensitive to this issue.

SKL makes some good points. Sure, kids are adaptable but they are more swayed by life’s ups and downs than they always show.

My daughter for a while was repeating the lists of all the people who loved her (”grandma A loves me, grandma M loves me, my daddy loves me….”). After a while it was just one of those autopilot things that I said mmm, hmm to.

Until, after her father had cancelled several visits in a few month time span when I realized she said “my daddy loves me?” with a questioning voice. She honestly wasn’t sure anymore because she went from seeing him weekly to maybe once a month. It was confusing to her that he says he loves her but never comes to see her.

So if you marry, or you don’t marry, you have to make an intentional committment to whatever relationship you do decide. One family I know made promise rings; not wedding rings but they were a “promise that they would always be a family”; everyone got one, the mom, her partner and the mom’s kids from her prior marriage. And that family is still going strong. It was a tangible symbol of committment, which is really all marriage is in secular Western society; a committment to form a family unit.

Leah, the only reason I am expending energy posting these comments is because I KNOW that Kristin cares to consider N in all of this. I felt it was important to counter various comments that suggested that no additional consideration of the child’s emotions was necessary. Most people aren’t experienced or informed about disruption/attachment issues. This is something that needs to be addressed up-front. Again, I’m not saying that marriage will magically make the issue go away, nor that it can’t be addressed without a wedding ring. But it needs to be consciously addressed. Children do not magically meld into whatever new family structure adults dictate, regardless of how much the adults’ hearts are in the right place.

I never thought in my whole life that marriage is nescessary. Not at all. My parents separated when I was 4, my brother 1. They were never divorced and never remained friends.

After shoving thru all the bullshits my dad had to give, my mom decided to date again. After 3 years of dating, the ‘new guy’ moved in with us. And as we got to know him, we’ve come to love him as if he were our real dad. He has been so great with us and had given us the unconditional love that we had been looking for. He worked four jobs for us and never failed to make us feel that we were very important to him.

He and mom never had children together, nor did ever get married. They are together for 18 years now and counting.

My mom and real dad married but never lasted. My mom and my step-dad never married but will sure to last.

Love should not be based on a piece of paper. Being married does not mean that your love for each other is stronger than those couples that chose not to get married.

I’m a single mom and I’m going through something similar. I’ve had someone in my life for three years that loves me and my son but neither of us are ready to make a committment. I go back and forth about my thoughts of marriage and what I think about it. Part of me wants to get married and the other part of me believes that if we are committed to each other that marriage isn’t necessary. Then I have that nagging voice in the background that says that no one will ever take us or our relationship seriously if we aren’t married. I’m happy now and so is he and when we spend time together, anyone who didn’t know us would think we’re married and this is our family. So 75% of me says no, marriage isn’t necessary.

I don’t know what is more ludicrous: using Hollywood couples as an examplar of what a relationship should be, or the ignorance of the vast multitude of such unmarried couples whose relationships have not lasted.