Blender
with Kristin Darguzas
I am equal parts Mother, Lover, Obsessor and Workaholic, tripping between unfolded laundry, discarded granola wrappers and assorted memory sticks to and unearthing treasures and various garbage. The blended family unit is an increasingly common structure, and an often perplexing one. Here I'll navigate up the mountain of exes, legality, awkward questions, work balance and attention division - hopefully in time to inhale deeply and enjoy the view at the top.
My son is characteristically animated as he arrives back on Sunday night from his Father’s house, his blonde hair askew in rumpled shark fins and the legs of his well-worn jeans adorned with dirt and grass shrapnels. He runs up the walkway and tosses his jacket on the floor of the front entrance. He smells like snapping Autumn air and little boy hands.
“Can I watch a movie?” he asks in his lilting little boy voice,”And maybe…maybe do you have popcorn?”
“Mayyybe,”I say, smiling. He is growing up so fast, with his serious face and long arms and curious questions.”Did you have a good day today?”
“Yes,”he answers, smiling,”Woosy took me to Eat Fresh! And we danced in Daddy’s living room.”
“Woosy?”
“Woosy. Daddy’s friend.”
“Ah.”
I am quiet for a sec: that explains quite a bit. My relationship with my ex, my son’s father, has improved quite significantly in the last several weeks. He has been less angry, more agreeable: we’ve discussed issues like adults and last month he was able to contribute some money toward Nolan’s expenses. I was surprised, perhaps, but didn’t want to question such good fortune. But it makes sense: there’s a girl, a woman. A woman who is buying Subway sandwiches for my son and treating him with kindness.
My first instinct: I’d love to meet her.
I don’t know how serious it is between my ex and “Woosy”, if at all. I suspect he wouldn’t want me to meet her, as he’s expressed explicit desire to not meet my significant other. But if it appears that he is in a serious relationship, I think I’d like to meet her. I would like to know the woman who will be hanging out with my son on Sundays, who will be providing another layer of influence and hopefully, love.
I was discussing this with a close friend the other night and she thinks that’s a little crazy.
“Kristin: no one wants to meet the new partner of their ex. You’re insane.”
But, she doesn’t have kids.
I won’t insist on meeting “Woosy”, of course, but I’d sure like to. I hope she is nice, and selfishly, I hope her presence continues to help improve the relationship between Nolan’s father and I. Because the well being of our son, ultimately, can only improve from our elevated civility.
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I added my ex’s girlfriend on Facebook when she was his ‘new’ girlfriend, because I wanted to get to know her for all the same reasons you want to get to know ‘Woosy’ (and how awesome if her name really is Woosy!). My ex told me that his girlfriend thought I was being creepy, so I removed her again. :o/
Anji | November 6th, 2009 at 5:23 am
I too would so love to meet my ex’s “friend”. Because, like you Kristen, when things are going well between them, things are going well between us; I don’t have to fight for the child support, he’s agreeable on drop off/pick up, he’s downright relaxed.
On the other hand, when I haven’t heard my chld mention “Marie” in a couple of weeks then I her dad is sullen, snappy & rude.
Too bad he couldn’t decide to behave like an adult ALL of the time rather then when there’s someone he’s trying to impress looking over his shoulder.
Mich | November 6th, 2009 at 9:29 am
I think it’s great you want to meet her. Hopefully “R” will be agreeable, as well but I wouldn’t push it. I met my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend when we were dating (confusing, I know!) for the same reason: they had a 2 year old daughter and I was going to be a part of her life. I don’t think that the ex-girlfriend was all that into it at first. I remember standing in her kitchen trying to engage her in conversation and I was nervous, so I rattled on about probably unimportant things. But, I have to tell you, it made life so much easier for us all in the long run. She felt more comfortable when their daughter came for visits and had someone else to trust in. And, Rusty is an amazing person… I love her to death and she is still one of my best friends, to this day (8 years later! The boyfriend is LONG gone). So, as long as everyone is amenable to it, I say go for it!!
telegirl | November 6th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Wow. We’re completely opposite. My ex insisted on meeting and talking with my partner before he met my son because the ex wanted to suss him out first. Probably a little bit of a pissing contest, but also a reasonable request given that my partner is now more of a traditional father to my son than my ex is. Now that my ex is dating, I won’t let him introduce our son to his girlfriend until they’re sure they’re in a committed relationship. My feeling is I didn’t want to parade men in and out of my son’s life when I was single, and I expect the same of my ex. If his girlfriend is going to basically be in a parental role, I want to make darn sure she feels that she is ready to take on that role. Of course, there are other additional issues with the ex that are unusual, and I’m surprised he’s dating at all, so that feeds into our reluctance to introduce our son to anyone unless they’re ready to be a part of his life.
becky | November 6th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
You have every right to meet her, as she is spending significant time with your son.
Frankly, it strikes me as selfish and slightly foolish that your ex doesn’t want to meet a man who lives with your son.
This guys isn’t just “your ex.” He’s the father of your son. It’s a completely different arrangement than just some dude you used to date. Your not keeping tabs on him, you’re keeping tabs on your son’s environment.
Liz | November 6th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Its been 10 years since my ex and I separated and consequently divorced, our son was 5 then and now he’s 15 (gosh, it all goes so fast!!) We have done the co-parenting, shared custody thing from the beginning (first changing every week and now changing every 2nd week).
We have both had two serious relationships since we parted ways and we both met each other’s significant others. Absolutely because they became a part of our son’s life and as hard as it was the first time around, and it was hard for both of us, it was worth it.
I’m now re-married and every second Sunday, the 5 of us get together for brunch, hang out, talk and do the switch but we see each other at other times too, basketball games and special events and thankfully there is now no awkwardness at all. In fact, when I got re-married, my ex was a witness and his girlfriend was by his side.
hmmm. I make it sound like it was easy but it wasn’t. none of it. but it did get easier. all of it. and yeah, mostly, I thought it was important that my son feel supported by all the people in his life, strange and yet strangely normal as it all is.
darlene | November 6th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I’d want to meet her too K.
sky | November 6th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
One of my best friends is my husband’s ex-girlfriend. Long story short: they were friends and I wanted to meet her. I wasn’t comfortable with their friendship going on apart from me if I was going to be with him forever and ever, so we met. It was wildly uncomfortable, at first, as I’ve found a lot of things are that turn out to be the best things in the end.
And I can absolutely see why you’d want to meet her. You’re building a community of love and strength for you son and directly knowing her part in that circle is important. I totally get that.
Jennie | November 6th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Amen, Becky and Liz!
I’ve met all my exes lady friends and I don’t think it’s weird. I’m not 100% confident in his judgment so I need to reassure myself that she’s an okay gal and let her know that I’m not a threat so long as she’s good to my boy.
Kid friendly parties are a good ice breaker…birthdays, Halloween, 4th of July, New Year’s Eve, Easter egg hunts. Host a party for all your parent friends and family, tell them to bring their kiddos and let your ex know you’d love it if he came and brought his lady so you can all share the holiday with your son together.
amber | November 6th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I would have to meet my ex’s girlfriend as this person is spending time with my child and I would need to know her, who she was, what she was like, etc. I think it is strange that R doesn’t want to meet C, but that’s another story right? You are not insane, just a totally normal protective Momma.
Annie | November 6th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
It’s about the boy. If this woman makes his life easier then we all love her!
I could have written this post. Whenever my ex started dating someone he was not exactly a pleasure to deal with but better. When they ended (and they did always end) it was as if I had left him all over again.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that Woosy is the one.
Niki | November 7th, 2009 at 7:41 am
It’s totally different when you have kids. I too, think it’s bizarre that your ex doesn’t want to meet your SO but I think that probably stemmed from jealousy and maybe now he would be more willing.
I hope your ex is serious with this new girl, considering your son has already met her.
I wouldn’t push a meeting though. Maybe it will happen - at drop off or pick up or something. Keep is casual.
I’m not surprised to hear this is the reason for your ex’s recent agreeableness. In that case, you should hope they stick it out:)
Farrell | November 7th, 2009 at 8:33 am
This is such a touchy subject. My ex is like yours in that he refuses to meet my boyfriend, or even acknowledge that he exists. It’s hard to believe after four years, my ex still can’t be smarter than his testosterone will allow. Part of the problem when we were together was his possessive, jealous, domineering tendencies and I don’t even want to think about what would happen if they met. I make concessions I don’t have to all the time, in order not to anger him. And like you said, ironically, it’s when he’s dating someone that we get along best. I feel like my daughter would be happier and better off if both her parents were in happy, stable relationships — even if it’s not with each other.
MEP | November 9th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
great post as usual .. thanks .. you just gave me a few more ideas to play with
forex robot | November 19th, 2009 at 1:28 am