Blender
with Kristin Darguzas
I am equal parts Mother, Lover, Obsessor and Workaholic, tripping between unfolded laundry, discarded granola wrappers and assorted memory sticks to and unearthing treasures and various garbage. The blended family unit is an increasingly common structure, and an often perplexing one. Here I'll navigate up the mountain of exes, legality, awkward questions, work balance and attention division - hopefully in time to inhale deeply and enjoy the view at the top.
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My son is with his Dad tonight, and Corey and I have been hanging out in the garage with my brother. The rain is pounding down outside, the night mist swirls, red wine sits waiting in mismatched glasses on the ping pong table. We’re talking about kids, life, fitness and love and I’m staring at my brother, awestruck suddenly by the fact that he will be 31 in a few months: that we’re both suddenly and firmly adults. Not even young adults, full-fledged People Who Should Know What They Are Doing.
He’s talking about his girlfriend, about a psychic she just visited after waiting for months on a list to get in the door.
“She’s apparently one of the best in the world,”my brother says,”She said all kind of weird and accurate stuff.”
“You believe in that crap?” I’m surprised, my brother is a cynic and dismisses most of the earth’s population as wingnuts and wackjobs.
“I don’t know, it’s just that she said some pretty accurate stuff about my relationship with my girlfriend and my past.”
“Hmm,” I replied. Still skeptical.
***
Corey and I stood in the kitchen a few hours later, pouring water into plastic tumblers.
“Would you want to know your future?” I asked him, “If you could. If you could know exactly what would happen to you tomorrow.”
“I think I know for the most part.” He’s nonplussed. I look at him, “Would you?” he asks.
“Yeah, for sure,” I reply and he furrows his brow:
“What do you want to know, ask me, I’ll tell you.”
“Will we be together in 10 years?”
“Absolutely.”
“Will we have a baby?”
“No.”
“No?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I thought you knew the future.”
He’s looking at me. “I don’t know about that.”
Corey has always been unsure about whether or not he wanted kids: he’s on the fence but I think he’d be very comfortable with our family unit as as. But I can’t help but wonder if his ambivalence is simply because he doesn’t realize how amazing it is to be a parent. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, the staggering emotion of a newborn, of something born of you.
And he just turned 30 and he’s got so much kindness and talent and he is so extraordinarily good with Nolan. Plus, he carries our kitten around like he’s a sweet human baby and it almost kills me, the exquisite cuteness. I can’t even imagine how blown away he’d be by the real thing.
I’m not super set on having another baby myself. A playmate for Nolan would be great, but the gap in years at this point might be too much for them to be really close, anyway. I would love a little girl, maybe, but I struggled in pregnancy and nearly died from exhaustion in Nolan’s infant years.
But I feel that Corey might regret, eventually it if he doesn’t have a kid, if we don’t expand our family to include his own genetic material. I wonder if Nolan as his psuedo-kid will be enough. I wonder if it’s any of my business, if it’s ever right to “encourage” someone to want to have kids.
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I think it’s no different than any other decision about having a kid. You do what feels right, and no amount of planning can really prepare you for what that will be and when it will happen. For years and years I said I didn’t want kids, really; then when hubz and I got married we both said, “Someday…maybe.” Neither one of us was really into it, and why should we worry about it? We were in our early 30s and having a blast. But one day sometime in the back half of that decade, I woke up and realized that I just had to have a baby. That it was the only way I was really going to leave a mark on the world (assuming I don’t invent the next post-it note before I die). I can’t even explain the feeling I had - I just KNEW. I discussed it with hubz, and somehow, the fact that I was so committed to it made it easy for him to suddenly realize and admit that he wanted a baby too. And that’s how it happened…almost. Never mind the two years we spent trying to make the baby, that’s a whole other story.
Groovymarlin | November 20th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Quite honestly, I think it IS your business, especially if you and Corey plan on those ten years and beyond, being together.
My husband didn’t know if he wanted kids either. He was never a “baby person,” you know, the ones that voluntarily hold babies at family events or whenever.
So when I got pregnant (partially on accident and mostly because I really wanted a baby), he was pretty skeptical. And then he saw that life, the life he helped create, wiggle on the ultrasound screen and he was changed.
When our son was born, he looked into my eyes, his tears echoing my own and it was as if his life began. I love my husband even more than I could have imagined, seeing him flourish as a father to our son.
So yes, I do think Corey may regret not having children. Corey seems to have, in your eyes and words, what it takes to make an exceptional father and if you plan to be with him forever, I’m not convinced you won’t always regret having a child with him either.
may | November 20th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I also mean to add, he will never regret becoming a father, but he might regret NOT becoming one.
may | November 20th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
You don’t necessarily have to encourage, just find out what’s holding him back. If he’s scared of the responsibility, that’s natural. If he’s waiting till things are perfect, that time will never come. There will always be a bill that needs to be paid or a project that needs to be done. That’s a universal truth for everyone and yet people manage to have children and everything works out in the end.
The depth and richness that comes to a relationship from sharing the creation of a human being with someone you love (and loves you back) is worth more than any selfish pursuit of perfection.
amber | November 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I have the total opposite problem. I am 100% sure I do not want more children, but my partner is on the fence. I know he would love to have a son, and I know he would be an awesome father. I think there are parts of his personality that would mature and blossom if he were to become a parent. But since the day my daughter was born, her care, keeping, and financial stability have been 98% my responsibility, and I can’t get over that, the feeling that if I were to have another child, all the work would be left to me.
MEP | November 20th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
The best gift you could ever give your child is a sibling. Don’t worry about the age gap. I’ve seen siblings as close as 18 months apart feud against each other and siblings 10 years apart being very close. It all depends on their personalities which we cannot predict and also depends on how the parents treat the kids. I love watching my two boys interact with each other. The love they have for each other is so very awesome. Definitely something you don’t want to miss. =)
Keri | November 20th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I hate to be the lone dissenter here and please know that I say this with endless respect for you, but I do think that it’s a little bit condescending to say that maybe he just doesn’t want a child because he doesn’t know what it’s like. I don’t think that’s fair. That implies that you couldn’t possibly know whether or not you want a child until you’ve had one. By that logic, how could anyone ever know they didn’t want a child? And besides, having Nolan in his life, doesn’t Corey have a better idea than most non-parents what it would be like?
Some people feel a strong desire to have children and just KNOW it’s going to be part of their life. Some people don’t. Some people feel really strongly that it should NEVER be part of their life plan and I don’t think people should make them feel bad about that decision just because they can’t imagine making that decision for themselves. Sometimes people who don’t want kids end up having kids anyway because oops! It just happened and they got pregnant. OF COURSE they come around and end up being fine with that child because love comes into the picture when the child is a reality rather than an abstract concept, but that doesn’t mean that you should encourage someone to have a child if they don’t want one.
Maybe Corey will regret never having children, or maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll change his mind of his own accord and decide he wants one. Of course you should discuss this with him as his partner and let him know your feelings about it, but please give him the credit that he knows how to form his own opinion on the matter.
A Little Coffee | November 20th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I’m the odd one out again. I think it’s a bad idea overtly influence one way or the other when it comes to the decision to become a parent. Corey is well aware of the various possibilities, and no doubt he is thinking or has thought about them plenty. But if you make him think “you” want him to want it, he’ll either resist that much more (and lose trust in you), or consider doing it to please you. If he does it to please you, there could be resentment down the line. Especially as long as you are not married. As you know, there’s nothing simple about being a single parent (which he would be legally no matter how close you are emotionally). Although I chose single parenthood for myself, I would never try to influence someone else to do it.
SKL | November 20th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
It is your business if you plan to spend the rest of your lives together. However, should you try to influence his decision? Definitely not. There are very few things in life on which we can not compromise. Whether or not to make the lifetime commitment to a child is one of them. If he doesn’t want children, or is on the fence and leaning one direction, you need to respect his choice - regardless of whether or not is yours. As you well know a child is a lot of work and it’s a lifetime job. You either need to be completely on-board or you shouldn’t even consider becoming a parent.
There are reasons you fell in love with Cory. Why would you try to change him? And convincing him to have children would most certainly be trying to change him. How very cliche. We say we love our men, but we try to change them at the same time.
You need to decide if you want more children or if you want to spend your life with Cory. You may not get to have both.
Michelle | November 21st, 2009 at 12:48 am
Corey’s ambivalence is no accident nor isolated to himself. In our society children inevitably mean marriage. Some children are born out of wedlock but it’s a tough road for those children. Our laws are archaic and nothing short of a cultural revolution will change them. 50% of all marriages fail, and the partners wind up despising one another. For men it means baggage and child support, and difficulty finding a partner later in life. What guy wants this?
I don’t know what the answer is. You’re going against the trend if you and Corey stay together for ten years or more. That is nothing short of amazing in today’s society. Only 50% can do that. The rest of us cannot. Which half does Corey belong to?
Gribblemunch | November 21st, 2009 at 11:02 am
Interesting, and wildly varying comments folks.
A Little Coffee: that’s an interesting perspective, and thank you for it. Man, the last thing I want to be is condescending. I think maybe I was projecting here: before I had Nolan, I was pretty sure I never wanted kids. And it WAS because I had no idea how awesome they are.
And yeah, Corey has a little idea of what parenting means because of Nolan. But I think having a child of your own is different than being a step parent, right?
Honestly, I will love Corey no matter what. If he decides in a few years that maybe he wants a child, I’d probably do it. If he doesn’t want one, that’s fine too. Either way, I count Nolan and I both as lucky to have such an incredible man in our lives.
blender | November 21st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
If he really is there for the next ten years, Nolan will become more than his psuedo-kid. Even if they see their own fathers regularly, the stepdad generally becomes as real a parent as any assuming the relationship between them is a good one.
My cousin (my uncle’s stepdaughter) simply told her bio-father he had to share walking her down the aisle at the wedding because my uncle was walking her down the aisle too!
I have a friend who married a woman with an elementary-aged kid, they had no more kids, and he is really, really, very ok with that. He loves that boy (well, now man), is grandpa to the kids and there was never any of the “you love your child more than me” drama that can go on in some blended situations.
Once you reach the age where decision has to be made (basically the point at which YOU are no longer willing to start over again), you can have that serious talk that says, from this point, there’s no going back. But until then I think you allow him some ambivalence. After all, he’s only 30.
Mich | November 23rd, 2009 at 9:41 am
I think it is such an individual thing - something each person needs to decide for themselves. At the same time, if you really wanted another child, I can bet Cory would be there 110% fighting for it along with you. I say this because I have been there. I am remarried - having had two girls many years ago in my first (ridiculously awful) marriage. Todd, my husband now didn’t want kids really - or didn’t claim to - but when I wanted more, he was instantly sold on it and a huge advocate of it…and he is the most amazing father to our 4 year old boys. Cory loves you - and loves a life with you - whatever that life brings. He wants you to be happy and if you are, he will be. So - what do you want? What do you need?
Charlise | November 23rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Interesting comments, indeed. Funny, I never pondered what most of you all were saying as I read this post because I was very tied up in thought about how insanely awesome it is that both you and Cory seem to have found one another and are quite comfortable in your space of “unknowing.”
This to me is not something that should be overlooked, or taken for granted for a single second. I have been a single parent for 10 years..now at the ripe old age of 35 and trying my best to get back out and date again, and I have been completely beside myself and largely disheartened that most prospects want me to have made that to have/to not have a baby decision up front about whether or not I want another baby. Fair enough, I am older and likely will not be fertile until I am 80…but the simple truth/fact is…I DON’T KNOW.
I DO know that coming into some dating relationship with a plan to become the “baby mama” and begin cranking them our immediately will not work. I am simply too aware of what this job takes to meet someone, and go down that road immediately. I also know that *some* days I think it’d be really wonder to have another baby (and as I say, take a crack at doing this WITH someone) and others, I cannot imagine it in a million years. Just being honest, it’s where I am today. The “checking of a box” to say how I will or will not feel in six months…I cannot do that at this time, and really, I have a lot of cards in front of me that lend to my knowing: experience, reality, time, etc.
As long as you continue to communicate…even if one of you falls whole heartedly on the other side of the fence, it is not like you are going to wake up one day and say…gimme my baby or get out…or vice versa..because I believe there are very few people that come to that decision in a day…so you will talk your way to here or there. At least I would hope.
You two seem to have found another little hidden gem in your current status as it is today. And I think that above all the questions, and the future tripping…that it is truly a gift of magnificent proportions. Good on you both. Be here now because it appears to be damned good.
Ali | November 23rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
My brother married a woman with 3 kids. I don’t know what he “wanted” initially (he was in his 20s and had long stated that he didn’t want a bunch of kids because being the oldest of 6 turned him off). But eventually he and his wife decided to reverse her sterilization surgery to have another child. He didn’t have to be talked into it at all (his wife was likely more reluctant than he was at that point). Again, it’s either in a man or it isn’t.
But I agree with Mich that when you get toward the age after which you don’t want to attempt a pregnancy, it’s time to have the talk - to let him know that the decision window is closing. But it’s still his decision if he wants to become a single, biological parent.
SKL | November 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
I just wanted to weigh in…I think you should decide what YOU want Kristen. I don’t think you should encourage him one way or another. I’ve always felt it was a deal breaker if someone didn’t want kids and I did. But now I have my kids so if I was in your situation I probably wouldn’t have the deal breaker.
Is having another kid or not a deal breaker to you?
Carrie | November 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I must say I am in awe of the people posting here, and yourselves, you and Cory. You are breaking ground for those of us, myself included, that do not have your courage. It seems as each year passes, marriage becomes an anachronism. If you can both become parents and not legally wed, then I will bow down before you. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I thought I was fairly typical of the Canadian demographic. I try to imagine myself around the thanksgiving dinner table with my unmarried partner and our biological children and I can only imagine the stares. Am I living in another universe from all of you? I’m such a coward…
Gribblemunch | November 23rd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Carrie, no it’s not a deal breaker. I’d like another one, I’d be content with just the one. It’s a flex issue for me.
And I want to clarify: I’m not saying I don’t want to marry Corey, because I do, mostly because of Nolan but also because I have married friends that say there is a deeper, richer level of commitment (or feeling thereof) when you are married versus “just” committed. But, I’d also be fine if we didn’t.
I realize I am lucky to fall in love at this stage of my life, and lucky to have a soul partner in life, whether or not we get married, and regardless of whether we choose to have a child together.
blender | November 23rd, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Interesting word pairing: ’soul partner’, as opposed to ’soul mate’. Was that intentional? Just curious. And no, not trying to butt into your affairs. I am an english major currently working on a master’s in linguistics.
Gribblemunch | November 26th, 2009 at 3:17 pm