Blender
with Kristin Darguzas
I am equal parts Mother, Lover, Obsessor and Workaholic, tripping between unfolded laundry, discarded granola wrappers and assorted memory sticks to and unearthing treasures and various garbage. The blended family unit is an increasingly common structure, and an often perplexing one. Here I'll navigate up the mountain of exes, legality, awkward questions, work balance and attention division - hopefully in time to inhale deeply and enjoy the view at the top.
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I stood in the doorstep of the apartment of my ex-tonight. Frost shimmered on the grass and the early December wind swirled brisk around me. I jumped up and down and blew on my hands to keep warm.
“Just getting him ready.” My ex lumbered past the door and looked at me through the window pane,”Just a sec.”
I paused.
He doesn’t usually let me in to the front entrance of his home, he does not have a lot of love for me and has made it clear I’m not welcome in his home. I haven’t said much, have been reluctant to stir the fragile pot, but at this point it’s winter. It’s cold, and being left outside to wait while shoes and socks and pre-schooler lunch boxes are packed is actually…kind of embarrassing. A little humiliating.
My son’s face appears at the door, and I can sense his confusion and so I wave cheerily. He has asked me before why I do not come in his Dad’s house and I waver: should I tell him or make up a story? At this point, though it’s obvious, I would rather not say that his Dad doesn’t really like me very much.
There are reasons for the discord - my boyfriend, a move to the Coast that my son’s Father wasn’t keen on. I have made my mistakes, so has he, and more than anything I just wish now that we could be decent too each other. Not even kind, I’d take human.
In past I’ve tried many different flavors of white flags: blueberries from the farmer’s market. I didn’t ask for child support for a long time. I tried not saying much, I tried standing up for myself. Nothing is working and now I suspect maybe only time might smooth the rough edges?
How did you make peace with your exes, Internet? I suspect there’s not a formula, but at this point I’m willing to try anything.
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I am divorced from my son’s father and during that time I tried to stay true to my own values and tried to see things from his point of view as a parent. We had to redefine our dynamics as a couple and learn new ways to interact. Time helped and right as we had really become a more solid co-parenting team, he died. So in the 3 years since I have dealt with the “ghost” of an ex which is an entirely different thing all together. But one of the best things is being able to speak well of him to my son (who was almost 3 when he died) and also have some positive memories myself. My husband had a very difficult divorce and it took several years (really up until this past summer) for them to be in a better place. Trust has to be re-established as co-parents not romantic partners and you need to foster open communication about the child. Continually reaffirm their role as the bio parent. Never let the other parent find something out about your child from someone other than you. Especially not from your child themself. Incidents like that kept setting back my husban and his ex’s progress many times. And this year they were finally in a place to go to counseling together with the idea of getting help to be better co-parents. The sessions focused on communication and even though they were hard the results are tangible. This has resulted in a much better relationship between them which I am certain their daughter can feel and has eliminated a lot of stress from our household/marriage too. And now I don’t think of her as his ex but simply as my stepdaughter’s mother.
Oh and I just started reading you yesterday and am excited about a positive place for discussion of blended families.
alisa | December 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Alisa, I like what you said about continually reaffirming the role of the bioparent. That ma be the source of this - and I’m going to try it. Thank you for the super thoughtful comment, and best of luck in your situation, too!
blender | December 4th, 2009 at 10:12 am
We seem to have so similar situations. I too tried to hold off on child-support, I was silent, then I was forceful.
Yes, time worked wonders on some of it. I’m now many more years out from it than you are with a 7-year-old. The chill began when she was 2 and finally ended when she was 5. I have been inside his home since (thought generally I call when on my way there and she’ll be ready to go so I don’t have a “need” to go inside). Which, honestly is OK with me, because it isn’t really comfortable in there anymore.
I wish I had real sage wisdom, but it could also change a bit as your son gets older. One day he may say “come in mom” and then what will your ex do? He either has to let you in or let his son in on the secret that he’s the one with the issue.
Mich | December 4th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I always invite him to family functions (trips to Disneyland for sons bday, holiday dinners, bbq’s etc…) He never comes (thank goodness) except lately he’s accepted my offers to stay for dinner when he drops the lil guy off but it gives me the benefit of him never being able to say I’ve excluded him from our sons life, nor can my son blame me for his dad not being around as much as my son would like. It took 4yrs and both of us being in new relationships for him to finally act maturely though.
amber | December 13th, 2009 at 12:39 am