I stood in the doorstep of the apartment of my ex-tonight.  Frost shimmered on the grass and the early December wind swirled brisk around me.  I jumped up and down and blew on my hands to keep warm.

“Just getting him ready.” My ex lumbered past the door and looked at me through the window pane,”Just a sec.”

I paused.

He doesn’t usually let me in to the front entrance of his home, he does not have a lot of love for me and has made it clear I’m not welcome in his home.  I haven’t said much, have been reluctant to stir the fragile pot, but at this point it’s winter.  It’s cold, and being left outside to wait while shoes and socks and pre-schooler lunch boxes are packed is actually…kind of embarrassing.  A little humiliating.

My son’s face appears at the door, and I can sense his confusion and so I wave cheerily.  He has asked me before why I do not come in his Dad’s house and I waver: should I tell  him or make up a story?  At this point, though it’s obvious, I would rather not say that his Dad doesn’t really like me very much.

There are reasons for the discord - my boyfriend, a move to the Coast that my son’s Father wasn’t keen on.  I have made my mistakes, so has he, and more than anything I just wish now that we could be decent too each other.  Not even kind, I’d take human.

In past I’ve tried many different flavors of white flags: blueberries from the farmer’s market.  I didn’t ask for child support for a long time.  I tried not saying much, I tried standing up for myself.  Nothing is working and now I suspect maybe only time might smooth the rough edges?

How did you make peace with your exes, Internet?  I suspect there’s not a formula, but at this point I’m willing to try anything.