I stood in the doorstep of the apartment of my ex-tonight.  Frost shimmered on the grass and the early December wind swirled brisk around me.  I jumped up and down and blew on my hands to keep warm.

“Just getting him ready.” My ex lumbered past the door and looked at me through the window pane,”Just a sec.”

I paused.

He doesn’t usually let me in to the front entrance of his home, he does not have a lot of love for me and has made it clear I’m not welcome in his home.  I haven’t said much, have been reluctant to stir the fragile pot, but at this point it’s winter.  It’s cold, and being left outside to wait while shoes and socks and pre-schooler lunch boxes are packed is actually…kind of embarrassing.  A little humiliating.

My son’s face appears at the door, and I can sense his confusion and so I wave cheerily.  He has asked me before why I do not come in his Dad’s house and I waver: should I tell  him or make up a story?  At this point, though it’s obvious, I would rather not say that his Dad doesn’t really like me very much.

There are reasons for the discord - my boyfriend, a move to the Coast that my son’s Father wasn’t keen on.  I have made my mistakes, so has he, and more than anything I just wish now that we could be decent too each other.  Not even kind, I’d take human.

In past I’ve tried many different flavors of white flags: blueberries from the farmer’s market.  I didn’t ask for child support for a long time.  I tried not saying much, I tried standing up for myself.  Nothing is working and now I suspect maybe only time might smooth the rough edges?

How did you make peace with your exes, Internet?  I suspect there’s not a formula, but at this point I’m willing to try anything.

My son is with his Dad tonight, and Corey and I have been hanging out in the garage with my brother.  The rain is pounding down outside, the night mist swirls, red wine sits waiting in mismatched glasses on the ping pong table.  We’re talking about kids, life, fitness and love and I’m staring at my brother, awestruck suddenly by the fact that he will be 31 in a few months: that we’re both suddenly and firmly adults.  Not even young adults, full-fledged People Who Should Know What They Are Doing.

He’s talking about his girlfriend, about a psychic she just visited after waiting for months on a list to get in the door.

“She’s apparently one of the best in the world,”my brother says,”She said all kind of weird and accurate stuff.”

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On our first date, Corey and I walked around the seawall.  I wore inappropriately large heels and slouched a little, sussing him silently out of the corner of my eye.  He had a ridiculously contagious laugh and eyes that shocked me with their depth and I hoped he wouldn’t make me look at him straight on, because I had an allergic reaction to some skin toner and my skin was peeling off the side of my chin.

I hugged him goodbye and called my best friend, breathlessly, after our first meeting.

“Wow,” is what I ended up saying,“I am scared to say what I think about this guy.”

But the truth was I was already thinking it: if he was as he seemed to be, I could fall in love.

***

And I did: 6 months into this and I am still aghast that I have found this man who is intelligent, charismatic, beautiful — and amazing with my son.  And he is gainfully employed!  And he digs me too!

I  didn’t foresee this.  I spent 2 years single, just my son and I, and I expected I’d nurture him, raise him, and then surround myself with cats, bobby pins and fuzzy pink jogging pants.

***

“So…do you think you’ll marry him?”

This is the question I’ve been deflecting lately: from good friends, readers, relatives, everyone.  It’s meant in good spirit and in all honesty: I think I would like to marry him, eventually, there couldn’t possibly be anyone more compatible with Nolan and I.  But, then, maybe not?

I have some friends in Europe, most of whom are in long-term relationships with men: the father of their children, in many cases.  When I think of long term Hollywood couples, I think: Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins.  Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.  Neither of these couples are married.  Coincidence?

I’m hurtling toward my mid thirties, and I’ve been engaged, but never married.  I’ve seen friends get married young and go through agonizing divorces.  I have acquaintances stuck in loveless marriages, I have trusted confidantes who whisper: “Marriage ruins it.”

I get that marriage signifies a commitment to the greater world that two people are in love, committed, believe they will be together for the long haul.  But is that reason enough?  With a 40% divorce rate, does it mean anything?

If my four-year old son weren’t part of this picture, I’d be inclined to say that I probably would rather commit myself through actions and conduct over marriage.  But with my status as a single Mom, I’d fear the stigma - and associated reflection on Nolan - if my boyfriend and I lived together indefinitely, without permanent legally recognized status.  And so, yes, I do think that marriage is probably in the cards for us, if things continue as they are.

But if it weren’t for societal judgment, I’d tell you that I secretly don’t believe marriage is necessary.  Do you?